Posted by Simguy 1/12/2008, 9:03 am.

BEFORE: Never can tell which pairings might prove combustible. Early photo shoots facing the girls tank top tank top end in shoving as Jewel gets off - just reacting to Scarlett’s scent or smirk or posture. Johansson capitalizes in the conferences: "I know what the plan is for Jewel," Scarlett grins at the podium. "Show her southpaw angles - box her, move her feet—frustrate her spirit, tire her body - I GET all that. But you know - just something bout this chubby piece of crap makes me want to jump her and beat her ass up and down main street, you know? So I get the plan, but fellahs - I can’t promise you a chess match! No sir! Looks more like Ass Whup to me!" Kilcher scowling - antagonized by Johansson's insolent feistiness: "I can feeling a beating for Scarlett growing in my tummy, and spreading through my body," Kilcher says reverently. "I’m nurturing it right now, but when it gets unleashed on Scarlett? I just don’t…" Scarlett’s obnoxious cell phone goes off (ring tone is Timberlake’s “Dick in a Box” song from SNL)—she picks up: "Yeah? Oh HEY - just Jewel - blah! blah! poetry - blab blah blah; 'I'm fat now, but I'll make weight' - just the usual. I KNOW she's such a cow - I'm totally knocking her out. What? Oh that’s…" Kilcher plows in from stage right: cue brawl. Scarlett in pink bikini with white pin dot pattern - twist tie top (hulking); white gloves. Jewel baby blue bikini top (twist tied - size: generous), navy bottoms with baby blue waistband; white gloves; slick ponytail. Jewel glaring, nostrils flaring during stare down: Scarlett pursing lips, shimmying her shoulders and hips a bit like she’s listening to dance music. Not Jewel’s.

During R1: Jewel stepping out in frame defense: right hand cupping her temple - left hand at mouth, elbow in tight. Scarlett spritzing right jabs from southpaw stance (right foot forward) - rotating counterclockwise: Jewel just turning, blocking, not getting off. Scarlett potshotting the straight left - pounding it against rigid Jewel defences; sloping it down to pat against firm Kilcher tummy. Minute's worth of  Scarlett circling, banging away: Jewel resolute, taking the punches on prepared defences. Johansson’s form left hands plowing into the forearms/chest of her foe - not scoring per se, but eventually driving Jewel to the ropes: Scarlett pounces in, squirms to snuggle herself close in. Johansson's clinch fairly elaborate:

1) Off Jewel’s left side - Scarlett using her right arm to trap Jewel's left.

2) Scarlett burying her face in Jewel's left shoulder.

3) Scarlett’s left hand up at her left cheek, elbow in: Jewel can flap awkward right hands, but it’s mostly hitting back or arm.

From this posture - Scarlett gets busy - scuffing and annoying Jewel thus:

1) Dropping the left hand down to heel jug; bringing the left hand back to cheek quick to protect.

2) Quick left hand pumps to Jewel's tummy; brought back to cheek quick. Just little lucking shot to gut.

3) Pushing Jewel's face with the left hand - elbow/forearm usefully employed in scrubbing healthy Jewel-jugg.

Ref a little bewildered - it's holding and hitting, but it’s fairly active - Jewel slopping back right hands conveying the impression of work getting done. He lets it go: Scarlett able to plow, dig, scuff, scrub and vex her way to cheeky points in the first. Kilcher enraged - stomping her foot as she looks up at ref, cheeks hot with anger, arms rigid at her sides.

R2: Scarlett dropping her jab hammer style off right shoulder - steppin' right, keeping her right foot outside Jewel’s left - southpaw controlling ring geometry midring. Kilcher turning, can’t quite get her ramrod jab on target: she's eating brisk, sudden left hands to mouth in return. Scarlett smiling, having fun, turning Jewel and pounding her stiff left hands through 2 minutes. Down the stretch. Jewel waits on Scarlett's left, blocks it up the middle, immediately answers a blunt a straight right, punching Johansson's face straight back with a crack. SCARLETT'S SHOOK! Jewel pushes SJ off as Johansson's trying to clinch - sending Johansson stumbling open-mouthed to ropes. JEWEL POUNDS BACK! Scarlett blurting in pain as Kilcher squares away, gets healthy on Johansson's plump jugs - great whacking blasts as Kilcher bares her teeth, thumps away rising rights and lefts from her hips. SCARLETT'S RAGDOLLING! Johansson's mouthpiece dribbles off her teeth as her head lolls back and forward, eyes blazing over. BELL: Ref pulls Jewel off Scarlett's drooping, throbbing breasts. TU corner: concerned Laetitia Casta interjects herself to adjust Scarlett's twist-tir knot as sheepish trainer looks on.

R3: Flat footed stalking - Scarlett still careful to step-right, turning Jewel counterclockwise, HARD left hands being dropped in by Johansson off the jab - shelling at Jewel’s defences - partially getting through to face and jug. Jewel muscling in slamming straight rights and roundhouse rights in reprisal - answering up the middle to Scarlett's punished rack; punching back Scarlett's face. Johansson getting the extra touch here, doing better defensively: both girls get rung up, but Scarlett's just a touch more effective.

R4: Jewel finally gets the jab on track, knocking Johansson off her stance and driving her to ropes. Kilcher pushes in head and gloves to crowd - squares her feet and GETS HEALTHY TO RACK! First slamming hook concussing Scarlett's jugs brings a shout from ringsiders: Johansson's face paling with dismay as Kilcher gets busy. Thumping pound-down administered - Jewel crouching forward, dukes at her chest as she just switches torso and hips side to side, plowing away short n' clubby to Johansson's massive rack/cuddly tummy. Scarlett breathless - trying to slide-right along the ropes: Jewel stepping-with, shoving her girl into ropes, and staying on top big-girl. Johansson tying up behind Jewel’s elbows down the stretch, forcing ref's breaks: Scarlett swooning with hurt, but does a nice job getting out of a disastrous fourth.

R5: Scarlett follows instructions: box, box, box. Counterclockwise rotation; hammer-drop jabs off the right shoulder; spicy left hands dropped in at intervals. Change-up: Scarlett occasionally going to the lead left cross, then shifting weight to back (left) foot to pull the biting hook across up top. Jewel not seeing the southpaw hook - takes it sharp on the temple and across her breasts at times. Scarlett feinting well, shifting weight front and back - occasionally she's able to drop in clean left hands straight to Jewel's jugs off feints. Bell: Kilcher blushing, jugs nice and pink; Scarlett making brash eye contact, lifting her eyebrow in challenge as ref steps in.

R6: First minute promising for Scarlett as she continues to turn Jewel midring - wheels come off with a blunt Kilcher right squirts in, punching Johansson square to face. Krusher bodies Johansson to ropes, pushes up off her and gets to work: rip-roaring beatdown administered as Jewel's sledgehammer fists beat at Scarlett's head, shoulders, jugs. Johansson wilting, sitting in ropes with hands up loose at her cheeks - trying to bend at the waist but getting stacked up and bullied, Kilcher settles into hamhanded, methodical rhythm - not too wild - taking time to body Scarlett into ropes and prep her properly. Bludgeoning work to biceps  has Scarlett's defences in disrepair - Jewel able to slam away to rack with thick, pasting wallop - really plowing her punches home as crowd shrieks in delight. Worst two minutes of Scarlett’s career bravely faced: Johansson beaten into stupor - listlessly swaying on the spot and soaking it all up - but she won’t give Jewel satisfaction. Kilcher blowing hard at bell, gazing in astonishment as shipwrecked Johansson stays on her feet.

R7: MUCH slower pace - both girls looking shopworn, steppin' heavily counterclockwise. Scarlett pawing out of the right jab, leaning in the straight left, turning into the biting right hook: Kilcher behind her frame defence, not answering much, just following Scarlett around, walking her down. Johansson employs that crafty right hook against Jewel's left bicep to some effect: Kilcher wincing after a while as Scarlett's commitment pays off thick, plunging left hands plowed to Jewel's rack do most of the hurting: Kilcher mouthbreathing at the bell.

R8: Sloppiness entering into the equation - both girls showing signs of fatigue - stumbling to ropes in mutual embrace: Jewel wrestles her way on top. Kilcher using her head to bump and position Scarlett - Jewel’s fists employed in bumping combos to tummy, then working up torso to thump that rack. Scarlett groaning - jugs a-jumping under Jewel's thudding insistence: Jessica Simpson leaping up ringing, clapping and hooting encouragement to Jewel. Chippy, cute counters from Johansson, taking Jewel on her chin via the right hook or uppercut - but Kilcher imposes will, Bell: weary Jewel pushes off, shouts "OWNED!" in Scarlett’s blinking face. Then, Jewel tries to pull at Scarlett’s battered top knot with a gloved hand - its juuuust about undone: Johansson turns to her right with a pout, denying Kilcher as ref steps in.

R9: HARD lead left hand squirts in, surprising Jewel, knocking her face straight back: she never sees the follow up right hook to her left eye. Jewel startled, stumbling to her right: Scarlett steps-right, gets behind Jewel, stampedes her face-first to ropes. Hugging Jewel from behind - Johansson lifts a pair of nudging right knees into Kilcher’s hammies and buttocks - ref immediately in to pull the girls apart. Scarlett pouncing quickly after the break - almost hitting ON the break, scoring with a big left hand to shock Jewel's head back over top rope. Kilcher staring, bleak - hands low - she's turning on her hips to clip a tidy right uppercut - putting Jewel's head on a bobble. Scarlett's left forearm comes up, sawing away at Jewel's clavicle, then a chopping right pounds off Jewel's eye. Kilcher groaning, reaching to clinch - but Scarlett’s got that crafty position off Jewel's left side - pushing forearms into Jewel, shunting hips back to deny the tie-up. Effective pushing and punching from Scarlett - she’s scoring liberally to Jewel’s chin, loosening her Krusher, then PLOWING AWAY TO RACK! Jewel's goods on sale - Scarlett suddenly, FURIOUSLY scrubbing away - swishing, savage side to side scrubbing sits Kilcher in ropes dazed. Jewel's hands drop to her sides, head lolls back to bare her throat: SCARLETT'S HELPING HERSELF TO JEWEL'S JUGS! Crowd on it’s feet, roaring: Scarlett foaming at the mouth, belting away on tanned loaves, pancaking Jewel's hooters, smudging and flattening'em and THE REF STEPS IN! Jewel sobbing, out on her feet: her top knot comes undone, spilling out bulky contents as Kilcher blubs "NO!" Scarlett jumping in ecstasy, shouting "MY JUGS STOPPED HER JUGS!" - Jessica Simpson bolting up out of her seat with an outraged "HEY!" TKO9 Scarlett Johansson.

After: Scarlett and Laetitia in HMK corner execute a little chest-shimmying victory dance - shaking it up side to side as they title forward and back, facing each other - then it’s all smiles and hugs at Johansson records a big banging whack over chest rival. "Up and down main street boys," an exuberant Johansson beams - puffy and shopworn perhaps, but elated all the same. "She came in all 'I'm Jewel Kilcher - I'm gonna walk all over you' and I just wouldn’t have it! I totally boxed her whenever I wanted to, but all I really wanted to do was tuck into her. It's hard to describe - but just looking at her - I thought: 'Screw this - let's punch!' you know? And after - when her KO’d hooters cane tumbling out? What a disappointment - right? I'm gonna march on over there and boo Kilcher's tits, right now!"

Reposted by Archer 4/9/10.