Posted by Simguy on 1/13/2006, 6:40 am.

Before: Knightley packing lean muscle on her size zero chassis—brazen British beauty convinced she can move up and do damage to Katie Holmes. “I’ll give her a right tossing,” Keira chirps, adapting Apartment wrestling lingo to the boxing contest. “I’m faster, but I won’t run from Katie: I’ll be attacking her down—Holmes will find herself badly outclassed in this fight.” Holmes up for the challenge, acknowledging Keira’s pedigree in prefight. “Knightley’s a former champion and I respect that,” says Katie, “but this fight is a unique opportunity for me. I don’t often get to be the ‘big’ girl in a fight, but I’m definitely stronger through the legs than Keira and we’ve been training to bully Knightley, I’ll push on her, make her take some body, and we feel I can open up offensively because Keira can’t hurt me with her nibbling punches. It’s an interesting feel for me—I’m really looking forward to imposing my will on Knightley.” Katie in royal blue bikini, long, low ponytail. Keira in black bikini, bra strap top, golden-highlighted curls drawn back\ in messy ponytail. Small gloves, both vixens.

During R1: Long, lean lasses slashing and parrying at one another like rapiers in a duel. Holmes emphasizing height, keeping everything behind the jab, looking to dot Keira coming in and bog her down on the end of stick. Knightley the more adventurous, using her legs, coming off angles to dart in and out. Keira sliding in low and close, biting a firm right hand off Katie’s taut paunch, then clouting a supple hook on Katie’s cheek—ripping PIK! PAK! patterns get Holmes attention in first minute. Katie pivoting, pumping the stick—midway through she slides back while jabbing, beautifully fading Keira, forcing British beauty to lunge and reach. Down the stretch, Knightley’s gambling catches up with her—Holmes judging distance exquisitely, fades back behind her jab and lights Knightley up the licking right uppercut/ Startled British vixen straighten, backpedals, then buckles, nearly flopping to a seat as delayed effect shocks her knees. Holmes’ eyes light up—she pounces—wobbly Keira ducks low, comes up arms looped tight around Katie’s ribs to bog things down at the bell.

R2: Keira circling, feinting, then coming of off oblique angles. Katie calm poised—she’s making Knightley take all the chances. Holmes upright, right at her cheek, sliding backwards to lure Knightley into pinging jabs, then looking to mop her up sneaky right uppercuts and crosses. Keira supple at the waist, daring Katie’s right hand, but unable to penetrate effectively—tall brunette just pivoting, keeping Keira I front of her, tracing her and tagging her, Keira rosy-cheeked with frustration: she’s being rebuffed, rejected and pre-empted as Katie boxes another smart stanza.

R3: Knightley corner doesn’t panic—they want Keira to jab with Katie, pester her face, THEN come in underneath. Knightley able to sheer in and do business before scooting out: sticky right/lefts tacky on Katie’s waistline; that robust curling right to the paunch, biting left hook on the chin out of the crouch, Holmes stung and rung up this round, not punching back—Keira upping the tempo, slashing in and out, scoring and escaping before Holmes can organize the defense. Katie wincing at the bell: Keira’s punching harder, more accurately than expected. Knightley fan in the audience holds up a big placard, red letters on white board: “TUMMY!”

R4: Knightley’s really got something going with that tight right hand (PIK!) to Katie’s tummy, biting left hook (PAK!) on Holmes’ chin, Katie bunching up off the body shot, just standing there for the chin check—Holmes getting ripped stiff as wiry Knightley twists her limber frame into taut punches. Holmes open-mouthed, trying to intercept Keira with right hands, but it’s leaving the Holmes jawline unprotected and Knightley’s landing tidy. In and out, in and out—Keira slicing in from all points on the compass, long tanned limbs at once gangly and graceful—no question she’s breaking Katie down. Third minute—Katie’s tight tummy quivers from a hotshot Keira right; TIGHT biting hook tugs Katie’s chin and THERE GO HOLMES’ LEGS! Katie stunned, staring moist-eyed—she founders into ropes, draping her right arm over the top strand, presenting her left side and KEIRA POURS IN! Knightley pounces, chopping Katie a straight right in the ear, tapping her straight left, stamping her another right—POOR KATIE’S HELPLESS! Keira’s whole body taut with gamine violence, chop-chop-chopping her small-gloved fists straight from her shoulders into Katie’s left ear/jaw as Holmes slouches out at the ropes. Ref jumps in, cradling Katie to safety and it’s TKO4 Keira Knightley in shocking upset fashion.

After: Knightley jogging the ring with arms outstretched in soccer-style airplane celebration: Holmes blinking, all jacked up and swooning, Keira stunning everyone with the SHARPNESS of her punching, tidying up her stroke, getting close to Katie and really twisting into biting licks Cameron Diaz style—KO of the bigger girl really an eye opener. Knightley breezy, strutting in the aftermath, bur she wants more: Holmes almost at her stool when Keira blusters in and shoves Holmes into the BSE corner. KEIRA MOUNTS ROPES! Crowing at Holmes; whimpering protests, looming over the beaten American. Knightley undoes Katie’s ponytail, fluffing the long, shimmering sift locks, then taking two greedy fistfuls, pulling up to hold her hands at her chest. Holmes clenching her teeth, arms wrapped around Knightley’s taut hamstrings: long brown stream of hair flows down from Knightley’s elevated chest to Katie’s damp scalp. Keira tugging, grinning, jerking Katie’s head. Charisma Carpenter quickly into ring, taking Knightley by her narrow hips and heaving her off Holmes—Keira licking her lips as she scampers away with devilish glee. “I could pull Katie’s hair all night long!” Knightley brazenly chirps to British press in days to follow.

Reposted by Archer 12.29/