“Fite Night in Canada”

Posted by Simguy on 11/14/2005, 7:22 am.

Before: “Remember when Britney beat the tar out of Shania all those years ago?” Elisha chrips in preflight. “This is going to be that, only worse! My legs are stronger and curvier than Britney’s, and I’m going to walk right through Shania--she won’t know what hit her! I’m coming in a healthy b120--WAY too beefy for Twain. I can’t WAIT to pound away on her!” Twain non-plussed by the youthful exuberance, and stung at the Britney reference: she’s determined not to let history repeat itself. “It’s called the ‘sweet SCIENCE” for a reason,” Twain reminds reporters, “and I aim to teach Elisha that reason. She doesn’t even know her own body: 120’s too heavy for Cuthbert-she’s fat and slow at that weight and I’ll take her apart. I once cut Dani Fishel to ribbons, I think I’ll able to handle this little gutter tramp.” Shania in black push up, calf-skin suede trunks, calf-skin boxing moccasins with tassels, black gloves. Fought in Cuthbert’s backyard, Calgary. Canada, Saddle dome (Twain wanting to “make a statement” by beating Elisha I front of friends and family).

During R1: Shania spitting jabs, heel-and-toeing to her left early--she’s got Elisha flustered out on the the end of poke. Short, chiseling right hands--Twain locating D-lish with the jab, then skidding a chippy cross against eyebrows or chin--brunette stepping away from receipts. Tattooing facial fairly constant--Elisha trudging forward into punches, not moving her head much, not closing distance--young blonde put wobbly butt at the midway point by a rapid left/right/left sequence across her cheekbones. Twain scooting in, out and around--scraping abrupt left uppercuts off the jab to compliment those choppy rights--easy breezy shutout Twain leaves Cuthbert shiny-faced in the first.

R2: Cuthbert roars off her stool, put her shoulder into Twain and tackles her bodily to ropes--good beefy blonde jostle to set a rugged tine in the secindl All sho9ve and slug all the time--Elisha driving in jiggly, putting her body on Shania, slugging haphazardly from thighs to skull. Twain gritting her teeth, blocking and rolling--she’s on her heels, unable to answer back just trying to skid along the apron, twisting and turning to absorb the fury. Rambunctious bell to bell smearing applied by Elisha--ref has to pull her off to enforce the break.

R3: More high-octane Elisha--blonde juggernaut crashing into Shania and leg-driving her to ropes--Cuthbert warned for palming Shania’s face back, getting a forearm against Shania’s throat--so on and so forth. Twain grimacing, pressed hard at the ropes--she’s dipping side to side, trying to like counters at Elisha’s body, or pulling down on Elisha’s head, trying to tie up. Cuthbert hammering away mindless--she’s bashing at Slender Twain shoulders and biceps if choicer cuts of beef not available. Elisha able to posh Shania sideways to ropes and double her over, bracing the brunette hip-on-hip and slugging brutal right hands at her ribs and ear. Good old fashioned Banff-Springs beat down stuff leaves Twain hollow-eyed, rag doll at the bell.

R4: Elisha pouring herself at Twain--Shania can’t keep her back off the ropes. Cuthbert sloppy, inefficient, but irresistible--she’s either punching Shania her hardest, or body-surfing on her, pancaking her to ropes. Twain starting to slow--right under her chin, left across her body--laying over one side or the other, being bundled sideways to the ropes and bludgeoned. Fight less a boxing match than cudgeling practice for young Cuthbert at the times. Bell: Cuthbert chests up and lets Shania hear all about it--Twain snarling, trying to push blonde off, but needs the ref’s assistance as Elisha grabs the ropes behind Twain to trap her.

R5: Shania snatching at Elisha in spots--flashing still-good hand speed off the ropes, but her legs are useless as Cuthbert pins brunette beauty to apron. Non-stop, mindless brutality amidships, blonde to brunette: Cuthbert just pushing in at Twain’s biceps, reefing crudely to her ribs, throwing forearms at her stomach, hammering the shoulders and ears as Twain cove4rs up. Constant press of Cuthbert’s wriggling body unnerving Shania--she’s trying to push her way out, but she’s in blonde quicksand, unable to disengage. Another romping Cuthbert round, she finishes up pushing Shania’s right side to ropes, riding a forearm on Shania’s upper back while plugging hamhanded rights into Twain’s ribs, left hip at the bell.

R6: Three more minutes of Cuthbert climbing into Shania’s shorts and giving her hell. Twain just bogged down in blonde, gritting her teeth and struggling to push off, or trying to tie up behind the elbows/head--anything to slow the kid down. Cuthbert rough--squirming in on Twain and bodying up; elbowing and tousle-rubbing Twain’s face side to side; head-butting Twain’s upper chest with dull thuds and all this in addition to a constant thumping beat of mitts on meat. Shania glum, stiffening--she’s crossing her arms, twisting her shoulder and raising elbows to ward off punches, then sitting back down in the ropes with a frazzled expression. Bell: Cuthbert still punching--ref has ro tug her back by her elbows; Shania mouthbreathing, droopy--she’s all achy-draggy back to her corner.

R7: Elisha taking a blow--kid is spent after 6 hectic rounds--Shania finally able to work midring. Twain flatfooted, obviously fatigued. But she’s jabbing well, stepping economically, keeping Elisha at arm’s length. Twain sliding to her right, looking for sharpshooting right hands and skidding them off blonde chin or forehead--Cuthbert a willing target when she’s not right on top of Atwain, forgetting much of what she learned from the Krushers concerning distance management, Twain able to step and poke for points, dealing a few from right hands to remind Cuthbert it’s a fight after all.

R8: Elisha rejuvenated, drawing on the fountain of youth t charge back in and pancake-press Shania to ropes. Smothering grind proceeds--length sequences of Cuthbert holding Twain and bludgeoning her crude, thudding right hands in the exposed left flank. Twain spritizing back clawing lefts and rights in spots--little flurries which dazzle but don’t hurt Elisha--then Cuthbert crowds back in and takes what she wants. Sensational body-abuse dished out blonde to brunette--some of the biggest, most hellacious body blows Twain’s every taken in competition as Elisha twists her hips to reef home the hurt. Down the stretch, Twain open-mouthed, wilting, takes a knee, steadying herself a left hand in the ropes, Cuthbert screeching in derision, bending forward at the waist to let Shania hear it--ref has to body cuddly blonde oiff yet again.

R9: Shania tired, sullen, resigned on the ropes, but showing some fortitude: she’s quit under less pressure than this, but pride won’t let her give Elisha satisfaction tonight. Blonde splashing in, forcing herself on Shania at the ropes, grinding and punching her down, Twain covering up, sloooowly rotating her torso, writhing and twisting to blunt the incoming, but it’s all too much. Another brutal, bludgeoning round of Cuthbert leaving her scent on Shania--Twain traipsing back to her corner with fluttering eyelashes, parted lips.

R10: Cuthbert doing what she does: bodying Shania to ropes and ruthlessly beating her. Twain groaning, tilting, twisting, must soaking it up, but Shania not through competing yet. Second minute, Twain starts snapping off short, licking left and right uppercuts--catching Elisha neatly on the chin, twisting to cover up and foil the receipt--CUTHBERT’S HURT! Crowd roaring nas Elisha curvy legs stamp and jiggle with hurt--Twain just dipping, fitting those carving little uppercuts into the cavernous opening Elisha leaves--just not quite enough power to get sturdy blonde off her feet, moment passes--Shania goes back to laying on the ropes and taking it--but a chastised Cuthbert mostly holding on, putting her body ion riding her foe to the bell. Comes back UD10 wide, Elisha Cuthbert.

After: pounds, curves and youth ass up to victory tonight--Elisha’s hamhanded, no-frills approach keeping twain on the ropes virtually all night long and handing her a frightful beating in the process. Twain unable to fight in space, unable to keep Elisha off or get respect--she soaks up one of the top 5 beatings of her career tonight, pointing up the accumulated rust on one of the biggest celebrities in the game. “I’m not just rusty,” a weary, bed raggedly twain admits in post fight, “I’ve got barnacles on my hull--I was really out of it tonight. You know--credit to Elisha--she’s a handful, really a strong girl and I couldn’t back her off, but I know at my best I would have been too much for her.”

Reposted 6/30/11.