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17 March 2011 Jenny McCarthy vs Gena Lee Nolin

Page history last edited by Archer844 13 years ago

Jenny McCarthy 08.jpgGena Lee Nolin 04.jpg

 

 

 

ANNUAL ST PATRICK'S DAY BAR BRAWL

 

Posted by Results By Sim/Words By Wiz on 3/17/2011, 3:52 pm

 

PART I

Jenny McCarthy and Gena Lee Nolin arrive at the appointed hour at Seac Dar
Muileata in Philadelphia and are greeted with a roar by the fans who've packed
the place and are already in their cups.  Said fans include various
Philadephia swells and Atlantic City high rollers, along with a select number of
fans who’d won the internet lottery for coveted space at the popular event. 
Jenny O’Dell fairly beamed.  What had started out as a one-off event involving
her and McCarthy had developed into a PPV sensation!  “Old time boxing!  Like
the great John L. Sullivan!  Tune in to see the FCBA’s biggest stars … daughters
of the Emerald Isle … trade hands like their mother’s mothers did … all on St.
Paddy’s Day!” 
 
After the ladies have had time to quaff a few, the bar's manager, Sean
O'Flaherty, steps forward holding a microphone, motions for quiet, turns toward the cameras, and begins to speak. "Welcome, fans, to the annual St. Patrick's Day Bar Brawl, this time coming to you from Seac Dar Muileata in Philadelphia!"
 
The crowd roars its approval and the publican continues. "We have as our very
special guests today two thirds of the great Sceej Boxing Stable, Jenny McCarthy and Gena Lee Nolin!"  More roars!  "… accompanied by the Wonder Woman herself … Adrianne Palicki (Palicki looking very sheepish) and Sceej Boxing’s top cornerman … the great ‘Scrubby' McGee!”  Sceej himself does not appear at the Paddy’s Day Brawls; the official position is he manages boxers … not bar room brawlers.
 
"But, they're not our only special guests today!  Please join me in welcoming our musical guests … they’ll set a fighting reel or two … The POGUES!!!".  More thunderous applause .. then O’Flaherty holds up a hand … tension thick … finally … the mystery opponents?
 
The pub goes quiet as the fans wait, while McCarthy and Nolin tense with anticipation.  McCarthy whispers
to Gena, “Rumor is they got two local news anchorwomen going up against us …
easy night … carry the tramps for a round or two … then drop em like a bad habit
and we’ll pound back a few …”
 
Sean continues "So, before the festivities begin, allow me to introduce my good friend from right here in Philadelphia ... and a group of ladies who need no introduction to boxing fans the world over … The Grand Wizard of Boxing and his Front Street Stable!!!"
 
The crowd roars again as the Man In The Hat leads out all 16 Front Street
fighters, plus Avril Lavigne, all, along with the Man In The Hat, wearing Scarlet and Gray "Front Street Boxing"windbreakers.
 
They've barely entered the bar room when McCarthy grabs the microphone. "Get him out of here! Him and all of his dancing hookers or I don't fight! It's in the
contract! The only people allowed here are the TV crew, ticketholders, the fans
who won the internet lottery, and the pub's owners!  And I double checked the
ticketholder and lottery list … and none of these losers are on it!!!"
 
O'Flaherty motions for the blonde to give him back the mic. She slams it back in
his hand. And he hands it to the Man In The Hat, who smiles and says, "I'm proud
of ya, Jennikins. You read that contract carefully this time, didn't you? And,
you're right. Only fighters, fans, and the pub's owners. And, no one from Front
Street is fightin' today. And, as you well know, none of us won the internet
lottery. But..."
 
He stops, grinning broadly. Jenny starts for him but is held back by Gena.
 
"Old Sean here is a fine fellow who was havin' a lot of money problems as a
result of the recession. He was deep in debt, barely makin' his bills, thinkin'
of closin' the place. He needed what you'd call an 'infusion of cash'. Now,
word o' that got to the Old Wiz here, and one night I visited and said, 'Sean,
Old Son, what you need is a big event to spike your business, like, oh, the
annual St. Patrick's Day Pub Brawl!'"
 
The crowd roars again, and, when they quiet, the Man In The Hat continues, "And
Sean rightly pointed out that, on the edge of bankruptcy, he certainly couldn't
afford to outbid all the other pubs in the country for this event. But, of course, the Old Wiz COULD! So, I decided ta buy the place, keep Sean on as manager, and..."
 
Jenny lunges again and grabs the mic before Gena pulls her back again. "Fine!
You own the bar, you scheming bastard! You can stay! But the dancing hookers go!
All of them."
 
The Man In The Hat shakes his head and holds out his hand. Jenny pounds the mic
into it, a loud thump going over the P.A. He smiles again and says, "Now, you gotta let me finish, Jennipooh! Seems I was 17 dollars short of Sean's askin' price. But you know what a great group of girls I've got? The 14 fighters, the two trainers and Av here pitched in a dollar each ta make that deal happen, so they're co-owners, and, according to the contract, have the RIGHT to be here. Now, Sean, please continue!"
 
The Man In The Hat sits down smirking as Jenny stares daggers at him and Sean
O'Flaherty takes the microphone. "Now, this is the time you've all been waiting
for! Time to unveil the mystery opponents! Of course, I had a lot of good ideas myself, but, my BOSS here is the expert, and he came up with an even better one. So, let ME  introduce Jenny McCarthy's opponent for today's festivities... Big Bad Gena Lee Nolin!"
 
No microphone is needed to hear Jenny's response. "Whattttt??? No f**cking WAY! I don't care WHAT your contract says! I'm not..."
 
Gena reaches for the microphone, smiles, and shakes her head. "You blew it, Wiz!
Nice try and all, but Jenny doesn't want to fight ME! It wouldn't be fair..."
 
McCarthy has been nodding in agreement but that abruptly stops when Gena
continues and says, "Mac's tough as nails, but I'm WAY too big and strong for
her and we all know that..."
 
Jenny snatches the mic from the bigger blonde's hand. "WHAT? You think I'm
AFRAID???"
  
Gena holds up her hands, palms out, and leans into the mic, saying, "I didn't
say 'afraid'. I just said not fair!"
 
Jenny responds, “… I heard you!  Newsflash, Honey, you’re talking to Jenny McCarthy … ‘Mac the freakin’ Knife’ … flagship of Sceej Boxing and the greatest fighting Playmate of all time!  Welterweight?  Hell, I eat welterweights for breakfast!  Ever heard of Jennifer Lopez?  Left her in a puddle!  Don’t pull
that ‘not fair’ crap … I’ve said it before … I’ll say it again … I will fight anyone … ANYONE … any place … any time!!! Anyone got any freakin’ questions?” 

The crowd roars!  The Wizard smirks.  Scrubby McGee smiles imperceptibly and whispers, “Da McCarthy goil against da Nolin broad … I been waitin’ ta see dis
one for a long time …”.

Adrianne Palicki is frantically working her cell phone, “I need Sceej Boxing … I need to talk to Sceej himself … well, FIND HIM!  Do you have any idea what is going on here!!!  We have to STOP this!!!”
 
Gena steps back, raises her fists and says, barely audibly, "Fine with me!"
 
Jenny then spins on Sean O'Flaherty. "And YOU! You call yourself IRISH, you
WORM! Working a scheme with this low life over here to save your pathetic pub! Your business is in the crapper? No wonder with a stupid name like Shack Car Madonna! What kind of a name is THAT?"
 
She turns the microphone to Sean who says, "It's Gaelic!"
 
"It's STUPID," Jenny shouts back. "And so is GAIL, whoever SHE is, for suggesting it. Who the hell can even PRONOUNCE it?"
 
She turns the mic back to Sean, who looks hurt by the outburst. "Well, nobody
calls it that...we call it by it's English name..."
 
And on cue, the Man In The Hat and the 17 Front Street ladies strip off their
windbreakers to reveal matching white t-shirts. Each one with a picture of a
playing card on it. It all clicks in Jenny's mind. Her mouth drops open as she
hears Sean say the next four words in slow motion, "THE...JACK...OF...DIAMONDS..."

 

PART II: A DRINK WITH SHANE MCGOWAN

 

Allowing the gravity of the situation to sink in for a moment, Sean then addresses the boisterous cheering crowd, “Ladies and gents … the time has come for our main event … a
bare knuckles fight to the finish … introducing first … possibly the greatest
knockout puncher in FCBA history … 14 times world champion … she is currently
ranked the number five contender for the FCBA  welterweight championship …
please welcome … BIG … BAD … GENA … LEE … NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLIN!!!”. 

Gena is rocking white sports bra with shamrocks in … errr, strategic places? … blue jeans and bridgeman’s shoes for the come as you are fight. The Pogues do a few riffs of “Welcome to the Jungle”, Gena’s familiar entrance music, as a tribute to Gena’s old role as Sheena.
 
“… and her opponent …  the former bantamweight champion of the world … and Playboy Playmate of the Year … for 1993..."

(Jenny shoots a look of pure hate at the
announcer!  She is adamant that the year NOT be included in her usual ring
introduction)

"… she is currently the 7th ranked contender for the FCBA
bantamweight title …"

“Won’t be after Munn kicked her ass!” shouts Neve Campbell above the din.

"At least I didn't lose to a fossil like Halle Berry!" McCarthy screams back.

"Don't call Halle names! She was born in the late Jurassic just like you!" Campbell shouts in reply.

"AHEM!" Sean continues. "Jenny ‘Mac the' … excuse me … I have just been advised by the proprietor that the exclusive rights to the nickname ‘Mac the Knife’ belong to one Allison Mack … pardon me … ahem … introducing … Jenny McCarthy …” . 

The Pogues begin to launch into ‘Mac the Knife’ but sound system mysteriously fails.
 
Jenny, also wearing jeans and
bridgeman’s boots, is livid … seething … staring at the smugly smiling Wizard and assembled FrontStreet vixens with a glare that would melt lead!  She shrugs off her top to reveal emerald green sports bra with the words “BAD” “ASS” on the cups in gold.  

ROUND ONE:

The referee looks at the two competitors, now standing square to one another, and The Pogues unofficially start things. They strike up "Hell's Ditch" and Jenny wades into Gena!

"Life's a b###h and then you die
Black Hell
Hell's Ditch-naked howling freedom
The killers hands are bound with chains
At six o'clock it starts to rain
He'll never see the sun again
Our lady of flowers..."

Gena immediately tries to use her reach to neutralize the shorter Jenny, but McCarthy's speed plays. She's past Gena's hands before Nolin can stop her, and Jenny lands a flurry that stings and surprises the bigger woman. Gena wobbles backward toward the horseshoe shaped bar. She stumbles left, trying to avoid being backed up against it and Mac pounces. A hard right hook to the jaw and DOWN GOES GENA! The crowd roars as the referee shoves Jenny away and begins the count. Nolin is up at five but a little unsteady. Since this is a bar fight and not a boxing match, the ref dispenses with the standing eight and waives Jenny forward. Gena snaps out some jabs to keep Mac away, but McCarthy again bobs past her defenses and bangs a combination into the taller blonde's face. Gena wobbles again, stumbling left toward the juke box with Mac in hot pursuit. It's Jenny hounding Gena, banging away, keeping her off balance, and, with Nolin wobbly, backed up against a row of high-backed booths, she goes to work on the body, ripping hooks and uppercuts into the lats, kidneys and belly, banging away at the body until the end of the song signals the end of round one.

"I could hear the screams from up above
If it ain't a fist, it isn't love
As for our lady she kneels down
Her neck is bent, the blade comes down
Dong! There goes the breakfast bell
Back from heaven, back to Hell
Naked howling freedom, Hell's ditch."

ROUND TWO:

The Pogues wait for one minute as the two blondes sit on chairs on opposite sides of the bar room. When the referee signals, they launch into "The Turkish Song Of The Damned".

"I come old friend from Hell tonight
Across the rotting sea
Nor the nails of the cross
Nor the blood of Christ
Can bring you help this eve
The dead have come to claim a debt from thee
They stand outside your door four score and three..

Did you keep a watch for the dead man's wind
Did you see the woman with the comb in her hand
Wailing away on the wall on the strand
As you danced to the Turkish song of the damned..."

Mac is right back at Gena, but Nolin's having none of it this time. She ties up the shorter woman, neutralizing her speed, shoves her around the bar room, banging away with her free right hand in the clinch, lathering McCarthy's kidney and ribs. The referee breaks, but Gena's right back in close, tying up Jenny's arms. McCarthy's mostly stymied, landing an occasional uppercut to the belly or bra cup inside, but mostly unable to wrestle her arms free enough to do damage. Gena's faring much better, banging away at Jenny's sides, looping some punches into her back and slamming both elbows and fists into her jugs. As the round progresses, Jenny's gritting her teeth as Gena works the body. Her head is snapped back with a short uppercut and McCarthy stumbles backward, a little wobbly, just as The Pogues finish up.

"And as I sit and talk to you
I see your face go white
This shadow hanging over me
Is no trick of the light
The spectre on my back will soon be free
The dead have come to claim a debt from thee...

Did you keep a watch for the dead man's wind
Did you see the woman with the comb in her hand
Wailing away on the wall on the strand
As you danced to the Turkish song of the damned." 

 

PART III: WITH APOLOGIES TO ROBERT TOWNE

 

ROUND THREE:

Again, The Pogues wait the directed one minute as the two blondes sit on their stools. The ladies rise and move together as they begin "Birmingham Six"

"There were six men in Birmingham
In Guilford there's four
That were picked up and tortured
And framed by the law
And the filth got promotion
But they're still doing time
For being Irish in the wrong place
And at the wrong time..."

McCarthy is right back at Nolin, recklessly throwing punches, determined not to be tied up again, but it costs her. Gena lands a hard right cross to the chin and MCCARTHY'S ROCKED! She staggers backward into a patron, knocking his Guiness from his hand and spilling it down her chest and onto the floor. Nolin's quickly all in, chasing Jenny across the room, throwing big shot after big shot as Jenny dodges, ducks, catches blows on her arms, even ties Nolin up, buying time. Gena quickly shoves Jenny off, steps forward...and slips on the spilled Guiness right into a right uppercut from Jenny! NOLIN IS GOBSMACKED! Gena reels backward, somehow staying on her feet, and Jenny relentlessly chases, firing a blizzard of fists that batter Nolin back against the pool table. Jenny keeps stinging the bigger blonde, banging her chin side to side. Gena's body wobbles side to side as she tries to lean back away from the blows, staring bleak into the pounding fists as The Pogues finish up.

"May the whores of the Empire lay awake in their beds
And sweat as they count out the sins in their heads
While over in Ireland, eight more men lay dead
Kicked down and shot in the back of the head

You'll be counting years
First five, then ten
Growing old in a freezing hell
Round the yard and the lousy cell
Wall to wall and back again."

ROUND FOUR:

Nolin is barely able to make it back to her chair, clearly in desperate trouble. Jenny's face betrays her conflicted emotions. Her earlier rage is spent. Now she has a job to do and she doesn't relish it. She shoots another look at the man responsible, who's all smiles.

The minute over, it's clear even The Pogues realize what's coming.

"Oh Danny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling
From glen to glen and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying
'Tis you, 'Tis you must go
And I must bide.."

McCarthy is immediately on a wobbly Gena. Nolin tries to tie up, but Jenny hammers free with a pair of uppercuts to the chin and Nolin's out on her feet. Jenny stops punching, simply drives the big blonde back against the pool table and shoves with her left forearm in the chest while whistling a right hook that misses Gena's chin by inches. Nolin topples backward onto the table and the referee begins his count.

ONE

"And if you come when all the flowers are dying..."

TWO

"And I am dead, as dead I well may be..."

THREE

"You'll come and find the place where I am lying..."

FOUR

"And kneel and say an 'Ave' there for me"

FIVE

"And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me..."

SIX

"And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be..."

SEVEN

"If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me..."

EIGHT

"I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me..."

NINE

"I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me..."

TEN!

The music stops and the referee waives his arms over Gena, who's managed to roll to her hands and knees only to fall back to her back. Jenny doesn't raise her hands in victory. She just stands a few steps away from the table as members of Front Street help Gena off and take her back to her chair.

Sean grabs the mic and announces McCarthy as the winner and the referee lifts her right arm. That action galvanizes Jenny who heads straight for the Gena, now surrounded by Front Street. She's grabbed by Palicki, who pulls her away to her own chair as Wiz, on his knees in front of a still woozy Nolin, helps Jewel and Neve bring her around. "She was lucky, kid. You slipped is all. You had her. She ain't the fighter you are..."

And Jenny has had ENOUGH. She strides across the room, Adrianne in tow and says, "MOVE!" while sweeping her left hand in front of her.

The Front Street ladies turn on them and Adrianne raises her fists and steps in front of Jenny. it's 17 on 2...and then it isn't. The Wiz shoves between his girls and Adrianne. "All right!" he says, turning to his ladies. "Settle down! We didn't come here to pick a fight with Adrianne! She ain't done nothin' to us." He then turns to Palicki. "You know what I'm lookin' at right now, kid? The lightweight champion of the world! I always knew you had some lioness in there. With all your talent, you let that big cat growl every so often, and 'Wonder Woman' won't just be the name of your TV show."

He turns back to his own stable and says, "Let's leave these ladies alone! To the bar!"

With that, Front Street adjourns to the bar and Jenny and Adrianne talk privately with Gena as the referee and Sean keep the patrons away. A few minutes later, a smiling McCarthy, frosty mug in her hand, sidles up to Wiz as Adrianne hovers protectively over her shoulder. "Well, Weirdo, how's it feel to have your scheme blow up in your face?"

The Grand Wizard smiles and says, "Well, I wouldn't know, Mac..."

Jenny laughs and shakes her head. "You should! It just did!"

The Man In The Hat takes a long pull of his PBR, slowly places the glass back on the bar, smiles and says quietly, "Did it, now, Mac?"

Neve laughs and says, "God, she never LEARNS!"

Jenny sputters, "Shut up, Campbell...what are you talking about, Weirdo? I just...I won! You wanted...didn't you? You didn't want...what..."

Palicki grabs her on the shoulder gently and turns her around to lead her away by the arm.

"But, he can't...I didn't...I don't.."Jenny says, shaking her head.

"Forget it, Mac, it's Philly," Adrianne replies as the Man In The Hat chuckles behind her.

 

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