Posted by FCBA Enquirer on 7/23/2010, 5:27 pm 

FCBA Enquirer – “Your source for unsubstantiated rumor and irresponsible speculation since 1999”
Ominous signs of ‘perfect storm’ in the immediate post fight of the Jennifer Love Hewitt/Jenny McCarthy bout: McCarthy semi conscious on stool, not responding well to corner’s efforts to rouse her … JLH with inscrutable smirk purposefully strutting the ring … and then Jeri Ryan … Lacey Chabert … Kelly Brook … beaming … clambering into ring … backslapping Love Hewitt … cutting the gloves off her.

McCarthy still in post knock out stupor … next bout on the card is Gena Lee Nolin v Kate Walsh … followed by Adrianne Palicki v Carrie Prejean. Translation? Sceej Boxing has zero presence ringside, save for flustered cornermen. Nervous HBO suits watch as the assembled power of ‘Jeri’s Knockouts’ saunters toward McCarthy corner … and immediately jump to ‘Swan Lake’, leaving PPV viewers vexed and perplexed! Fortunately, our own ‘Scoop’ Cohen was ringside with his trusty mini-cam … and now, the rest of the story!

Initially jumpy mini cam footage settles down to show a smug Jennifer Love Hewitt saunter into the McCarthy corner, just as corner gets the gloves off the nearly comatose blonde. Love Hewitt growls, “We still have business …”; backed up by the assembled firepower of FCBA flyweight champion Lacey Chabert, lightweight contender and long time J-Mac rival, Kelly Brook, and perhaps the hardest puncher in FCBA history, Jeri Ryan … Jenny Mac’s corner backs off … leaving their battered blonde at the hands of Jeri’s Knockouts

Jennifer Love Hewitt called for a microphone. “Hey Kelly”, chirped Love Hewitt, “Remind me … what the hell was it Jenny said at the press conference?”
“Got it right here …” replied Kelly Brook, showing her impeccable taste by holding up a copy of the FCBA Enquirer, “She said … and I quote … ‘I don't know what she thinks is going to be different this time, I'm a blonde-too-far for this chick: too big; too tuff; too fast; too good’ … she also talked a lot of smack about your jugs … ‘overrated-way overrated’, she said …”

“Oh yes, now I remember!” chuckled Love Hewitt, then addressing the beaten blonde slumped heavily on the stool, “Is this different enough for you, Jenny? Huh? C’mon … let’s take a little stroll … have a little girl talk .. we’ll talk about overrated jugs, hmmm.”. Seizing Jenny’s taped wrist, she yanked the blonde upward; the beaten Playmate barely standing on spaghetti legs, then deposited her across the ring ropes – J-Mac’s head and shoulders draped over the top rope. As luck would have it, Jenny’s lolling head was mere feet from the front row ringside … a front row populated by Front Street Boxing! Ever theatrical, the Grand Wizard held court for his bemused stable, the assembled Jeri’s Knockouts, and a good portion of the ringside fans. “Did she just … Did she just wink at me? Are you serious? I mean, are you freakin’ serious? Girl just had a KO2 dropped on her and she’s still flirting with the Wiz?!!”

Waiting for the laughs to die down (and stifling a laugh herself), JLH mused, “Now where were we? Oh yeah … we were talking overrated jugs …”. Chuckling softly into the microphone, she walked her fingers up the small of McCarthy’s back, plucking at the mid knot of the scarlet bikini top to pull it loose, then continuing ‘north’ to the top knot, pausing dramatically … Lacey Chabert giggling, “I dare ya!” … then plucking the top knot free. A wisp of red lycra spandex fell breezily … settling in the Grand Wizard’s lap of all places … and the twin talents that had first catapulted Jenny McCarthy to fame and fortune made an unscheduled guest appearance!

At least vaguely aware of the wardrobe adjustment, Jenny Mac mumbled in protest; JLH responded with mock indignation. “Oh, come on … what now? Don’t tell me you’re getting modest in your old age, Jenny? These tits have been seen by more people than the last episode of Seinfeld … and bombed just about as bad! C’mon … let’s take a walk!”. When the groggy blonde attempted to cover her girls, her conqueror twisted Mac’s arm behind her back in a hammerlock – Love Hewitt had done plenty of apartment wrestling in her time – and used the hold to expertly control the blonde as she took her on a devastating Walk of Shame … to a crescendo of wolf whistles, cat calls and camera flashes. Jeri Ryan and Lacey Chabert grinned and applauded lustily while Kelly Brook whipped up the crowd with the old “raise the roof”.
Stopping in front of the press table, the cheeky Love Hewitt held an impromptu press conference, actually taking questions from the media … while still holding a topless Jenny McCarthy in a hammerlock!

Brunette Magazine: “She’d beaten you twice before, Jennifer, did you have any doubts going in?”

JLH: “None whatsoever! The last fight, she won a razor thin decision by basically running away from me for the last three rounds. I knew she couldn’t deal with my power!”

Blonde Magazine: “This is an outrage! Why I never …”

Lacey Chabert, preempting JLH: “Shut up and sit down before I come down there!”

JMD Monthly: “Jen, you’re one of the top jug fighter of all time … been JMD champion … but McCarthy had said her jugs would stop your jugs … what’s your response now?”

JLH (chuckling): “Well, I think the jugs speak for themselves, eh? Just look at ‘em! I planted a whole crop of bruises on these babies, eh? There’s one here … here … here … (Jennifer Love Hewitt pressing her index finger into various purpling bruises on J-Mac’s tits) … there’s one here … (McCarthy wincing as Love Hewitt pressed her finger into the bruised flesh) … oops, sorry, Jenny … (Love Hewitt favors the press with an exaggerated wink then drops her voice to a faux confidential tone, still speaking into the mic) … I think she’s a little ticklish there? And I’d always heard implants lessened sensitivity?”.

Jeri Ryan interrupted the ongoing exchange with the press, “Psssst … Jen … security’s saying they’re calling the Nolin fight to the ring … let’s finish this up …”. Love Hewitt marched the stumbling Jenny Mac to the Jeri’s Knockouts corner. Mounting the ropes, she thrust a fist in the air to thunderous applause (it is a fact that while Jenny Mac has a hard core of devoted fans, her brash antics rub many more fight fans the wrong way.). And then … the coup de grace! Wrapping her arms around the beleaguered blonde’s neck, she drew J-Mac’s face inexorably into the vastness of the splendor that was and is the Jennifer Love Hewitt rack! Sealing Jenny’s nose tight against the engulfing softness, Love Hewitt beamed as a renewed energy filled the once groggy blonde! Arms and legs flailed and spasmed … violently at first … then less so … and less … until they hung limp and lifeless.

Kelly Brook did the honors of ‘checking’. “Yup … she’s out!” she announced cheerily! Love Hewitt loosed her grip, took firm hold of J-Mac’s right wrist and slung her to the center; the blonde’s body bouncing like it had been tossed out of a mob Cadillac! Jenny came to a rest center ring … tits up and unconscious! There, surrounded by her stablemates, Jennifer Love Hewitt posed for the paparazzi … one foot on her insensate opponents midriff, striking a double bicep pose of victory. As the high fiving Knockouts left the ring, the McCarthy corner staff cautiously entered to tend to their ruined fighter!