Posted by Simguy on 2/25/2006, 8:00 am,

Before: Claire’s relationship with the press steadily worsening--media hounds growing increasingly belligerent the more evasive and abusive Claire gets: now some in the press are deliberately baiting Ms. Danes with Mish Williams questions, just for spite. Mila a little baffled by the rumpus, but 40-1 underdog getting more spotlight at the podium than she otherwise might have.

“I’m just here to fight Claire Danes,” Kunis shrugs, “I’ve heard she’s really mean, but ;m not scared at all--I’m going to fight her like she’s any other girl. She’s a total pro, so I don’t think this Mish Williams stuff will rattle her: the only thing rattling her will be my dukes! (throws a sturdy little air-combo for emphasis--shite-eating grin to match).

Claire in plaid bra-style bikini--Mila in rainbow horizontal barred bikini. Small gloves, both vixens.

During R1: Second minute, Mila leaves her feet to catch Claire a swinging hook over a loose Danes right uppercut--CLAIRE’S HURT! Danes stumbling back into ropes gob smacked, astonished--KUNIS POUNCES! Mila burrowing into Claire’s tummy pumpa-chug rights and lefts--groaning blonde folds forward, draping her arms over Kunis t clinch. Ref’s break--eager Mila straining against man’s hand to get back on--she’s just POURING herself at a bewildered ms Danes, Puppy-Scrub! Mila romping joyously to the Claire Danes rack--Kunis wishing away with joie de vivre rarely seen in an FCBA ring. All Mila Kunis to the bell--forcing her way back in after ref’s breaks: Claire bedazzled, frazzled and waxed as she blunders back to her corner trembling from a 10-8 drubbing sans knockdown.

R2: Claire giving her head a shake, establishes law and order midring. Job one: pump jabs, keep Mila at arms length. Job two: pivot to the left, make Kunis move her feet, Job three: feint and look for hesitation right hands start working Mila’s stubborn little chin. Pinging, precision stuff from Claire--easy loping footwork, straight pokes from either hand finding Mila’s face with tart spank. Kunis traipsing after Claire like a happy puppy, just making herself available for cruel blonde fists. Danes business-like to her corner after posting a breezy shutout: she’s scuffed up, but firmly in control through 2.

R3: Another day in the office, Claire Danes, E-Z loping clockwise rotation, straight lead rights or long jabs from the shoulder--just banging away bon Mila Kunis, Mila following, not cutting off the ring--she’s bobbing and weaving some, but she’s basically a marionette on the end of Claire’s strings, Midway through, vintage Claire: she steps left to open her stance, twitches to feint-freeze her foe, then drops a pinging stab-and-retract straight right to point of Mila’s chin. Kunis staggering back on her heels, pinwheeling her arms: she hit’s the ropes wide-eyed, shaking he pretty head as Danes smirks, straighten, shakes out her arms, then gets back into her stance. Another shutout, Claire Danes: she’s  starting to lump Mila up nicely.

R4: Oh, that pesky Mila Kunis. Kunis outclassed, but always on the come--she keeps pressing in, gambling, leaping at Claire’s chin with either hand and some of those haymakers are starting to land. Danes flustered, frowning as she’ll make Mila miss once, but get caught a looping following up--cutey-pie blonde moves being disrupted by busy brunette punching. Late the round, Mila lands an overhand right on Claire’s left eye as Danes is backing away--Claire’s knees give a shimmy--she fades to ropes as confused as she is hurt and HERE COMES MILA! Kunis giving Clare no respect and less room: Kunis in there digging, tearing up tummy, tits and rib with small glove fury to the bell, Danes slightly wobbly butt, left eye puffing up: she’s in an honest-to-God fight through 4!

R5: Claire sneaking to her right, just pawing and tapping out the jab: she twitches, gets Mila to react, then DRILLS Kunis that sharp, straight right hand bingo on the chin. KUNIS GOES DOWN! Mila shook by the punch--right knee gives way and she’s down before she realizes what’s happening. Kunis up immediately, shaking her head, wiping her feet like a bull on the canvas--she’s eager to trade as Claire comes wading in big-girl to finish. Pure savagery saves Mila at the ropes: Danes dipping and ripping uppercuts to her foes body, but Mila answering with gambling lefts and rights to the head and shoulders to make it too expensive for Claire to continue. Final minute, Danes managing Kunis with pivots and sidesteps, just looking to bank the round and CLAIRE GETS CAUGHT! Danes stepping to her right, eats a wild swinging hook onna mouth--staggers back as she SCOURS punches across her foe’s back and CLAIRE TAKES A KNEE! Mish at ringside barks out in derisive laughter, clapping her hands and hooting: Claire shiny-faced, grimacing, gives up a knee to relieve pressure as Mila bounds away, confidence swelling.

R6,7: Claire grim-faced, curt with her corner during the breaks: she’s a hardhearted pro these rounds. Pivots and sidesteps keep Kunis off balance--Danes chipping away fro outside a steady pulsing jab and keen poking straight rights, Mila nice n’ puffy: Claire’s accurate mitts tapping away on face because it’s there--but Danes not doing her usual thorough work downstairs leaving Kunis’ legs in relatively good shape after 7. Mila busting up some, but upbeat, still swinging with vigor with not landing much--apparently not intimidated in the least.

R8: Claire really setting down on those right hands, eyes narrowed, frosty as she feints Mila to freeze her, then rings her up clean on the chin. Nervy first minute for Kunis--she’s chin-tapped time and time again--little buttocks wobbling, legs a-stamping as she bravely keeps her feet. Claire visibly perturbed: she’s been scoring well, hurting Mila, but not able to really discourage her. Danes shifting to the body rest of this round: stepping right off the jab, then lashing Mila right/left on her waist, sidestepping away from the receipt. Firm Claire Danes shutout as she imposes will on her foe.

R9: Claire feints…and EATS A~LEAPING KUNIS RIGHT! Mila not going for it this time--she gambles, pounds that puffy Danes left eye and tumbles Claire sideways to ropes in a bundle of wriggling flyweight bodies. Mila comes up punching--digging to Claire’s hip, then tummy, then jug--furiously, mindlessly scrubbing away as Danes slumps in ropes, trying to tie up. Rub-a-dub scrub of swishing lefts and rights against the chin startles Danes--she hunkers down and answers back punching as reckless brawling erupts at the apron! Danes working out of a tight crouching earmuff--looking to time Mila for uppercuts: Kunis pouring buckets of pesky leather onto Claire, pelting anything Danes-related, offering haughty blonde a 2-for-1 special on punches in an action-packed ninth.

R10: Mila punches Claire on her left eye again--blonde wincing, stepping away to her right and Kunis LEAPS in another right, this time pounding Danes near senseless. Claire reeling sideways, hits ropes awkwardly with right arm over the top strand: she’s vulnerable as writhing brunette ploughs into the left flank, pancaking Claire face-first to ropes and tidying up the kidney/buttock region hup-hup-hup. Ref tugging overeager brunette back, giving her a stern finger-waggle: Kunis looking up, chest heaving, just waiting for the man to get out of the` way. Danes open-mouthed, shaking her head--look of shock in her eyes at how much Kunis she’s having to take. Mila sailing in again--brunette fighting with sheer abandon--reckless enthusiasm for combat dousing Claire’s peerless skills. Danes dug in at the ropes, stooping forward in earmuff and issuing licking counters to Kunis’ ribs and chin: Mila baring her teeth, clawing and clubbing at Claire with random abandon. Both women landing well down the stretch, but Mila won’t be backed off--she stays on top, finishing up the round with a gleeful puppy-scrub in Claire that brings tears of indignation to Danes’ eyes, Bell: they’re both still--working ref has to tug ‘em paprt, Come back one point duke…no, check the cards again. Scores re-tallied, comes back one point duke…MILA KUNIS!

After: Tear up the Upset of the Year ballot: Kunis just takes it hands-freaking-down. Meanspirited photographers zero in on Claire’s bleak, dazed, uncomprehending expression: many will recognize as EXACTLY the same dejection worn by one Kelly Packard the first time she got outboxed by Claire herself. Kunis all bubbling over--upset-minded Touchstone stable floods the ring in hopping, hugging celebration--shunting Claire alone to one corner with her thoughts. Press has no choice but to speculate all the Mish Williams Oscar Buzz has gotten in between Danes’ ears--what else could possibly explain this “Miracle On Canvas”? Claire stomping angry-butt up the aisle to the dressing room--showing her palm to a grinning Michelle Williams, not even looking at Mish as flyweight champ tries to get in some encouraging words. Think it’s over? Spiteful cameraman sneak into the HISC dressing room to capture Claire seated on a bench, face in her hands, suffering in private desolation. Intrusion so vile, Danes is THEN captured losing control, shrieking epithets, hurling her shoe at retreating newshounds as they back out the door with Pulitzers in their weasly minds.

Reposted by Archer 1/17/11