BOXING ON THE BEACH

PART I

(Originally posted by Simguy on 6/25/2008, 8:54 pm).

Before: “Malibu Beach, baby!” Exults an upbeat Rinna in a recent issue of “SoapFighter Digest” magazine. “It’s where ingénues hopes got to die! I can’t wait to get my paws on this girl—she’s PERFECT for me. Taking a blonde like this apart is going to thrill my fans, and more importantly, I think it could reignite my FCBA career. Look out Laura!”

Vandervoort with youth on her side, but Rinna as tough and savvy as cougars get: Laura knows it’s a legit test. “I know Malibu is sort of a cougar-stomping grounds,” Laura admits, “but that’s part of the challenge. Open-air fighting; pro-Rinna crowd—all that jazz makes this a great heart-check for me. Lisa’s very capable, and that’s what I want. When I beat her, I want people to go: ‘yeah this blonde’s got STEEL!”

Rinna in fun rainbow bandeau bikini (ring connections at hips and betwixt jugs); white  gloves; short brown tousle wet n’ spiky, Laura in baby blue bikini; white gloves; long blonde hair wet n smooth as an otter’s pelt down her back. Venue: Malibu Beach—standard ring set up on sand, beach-volleyball bleachers; 12 noon.

During R1: Rinna out of Muay Thai: fists up high, palms down—right near her right temple’ left pawing at Laura, trying to range-in. Vandervoort weight forward, feet wide-spread, right under her chin, left at her tummy. Rinna the aggressor, looking to step-in with the hook, then chop Laura a right hand from close range. Vandervoort loping back away from Rinna’s pounce—easing to her right, pumping out the long stick, circling gracefully. Minute in—Vandervoort motoring away and round another Rinna thrust: Laura counters with a sleek, slinging right hand off her chest, punching Rinna square between the eyes. Licking, curling left hook chase and RINNA’S DOWN! Glorious spank-spank bouncing off Lisa’s face, sitting her down hard: she’s blinking in astonishment, sitting with legs out front, her hands outstretched, Rinna beats the count shabby, sets up earmuff at the ropes. Laura: VICIOUS, swinging right roundhouse against Rinna’s left side ribs; SUMPTUOUS left hook licked across Lisa’s tummy as Laura leans lithe to her right; left elbow pops up, tapping Rinna’s guard; BOOMING right hand crashes to ear as Lisa tilts left and slings it home. RINNA GOES DOWN! Lisa swooning into ropes, then down to all fours, ashen faced: she’s panting on her knees, shaking her head. Laura jogging all young n’healthy to neutral corner, smiling sweetly at shellshocked Courteney Cox, Denise Richards and other stalwarts. Rinna bravely up at 8, swaying on the spot: she covers up, sits in ropes, soaks a terrible beating as Laura wades in and lashes away unopposed to the bell.

R2: Rinna already busting up around the eyes; she’s much more cautious—stepping to her right with the Muay Thai type hand position. Vandervoort brazen: her turn to get picked apart as she stomps forward, trying to sling heavy right hands onto Rinna’s head. Lisa’s footwork superb, unhurried; little steps to the right, drawing Laura into the jab or hook; sharp, sudden chopping rights startling Vandervoort brazen: her turn to get picked apart as she stomps forward, trying to sling heavy right hands onto Rinna’s head. Lisa’s footwork superb, unhurried; little steps to the right, drawing Laura into the jab or hook; sharp, sudden chopping rights startling Vandervoort to the face. Midway through—Lisa sidestepping to her left, leans back from a sweeping blonde hook; Rinna leans back in, chopping a swift right to Vandervoort’s mouth; comes back the hook and LAURA”S ON HER GLUTES! Concussive head-punching stuns Laura, sits her down: she’s rickety rolling over her left hip to creak up st 8. Cue beatdown: Rinna pouncing on blonde ruins at the ropes BUT VANDERVOORT WON’T HAVE IT! Hammer and tongs erupts: Laura’s teeth bared as she licks curling, lanky left uppercuts and slinging right crosses; Rinna staying compact, ducking and twisting with the shots, trying to punch-with and chop Laura out. LISA GETS HURT! Clapping left hand smites Rinna’s face—SHE goes goggle-eyed, hands drooping as her legs lock up. Vandervoort on auto-pilot—pasting away lanky rights and lefts while marching forward, belting Rinna backwards into stupor. Bell! Wild second round sees both girls rocked—Vandervoort’s late heroics convert a big Rinna 10-8 into a more standard  10-9.

R3: VANDERVOORT’S HURT! Rinna getting to her blonde with rugged blows to the face—brunette stepping forward while hacking away palm-down lefts and rights in short, chopping arcs. Vandervoort wobbly butt, long legs spasming: SHE forms at the ropes, lifting a desperation right uppercut into Rinna’s onrushing tummy, then trading fat hooks with the brunette. Lisa rocked, but grimly determined: She stays close, chopping her right hand, palm down, onto Laura’s beautiful face; prodding the left into blonde jugs to push her upright. Laura swooning, but SO combative—every time her legs shimmy and threaten to go, she rips a lanky right uppercut to chin, or snaps a limber hook off Rinna’s tummy. Hammer and tongs—Rina grimacing under heavy shellack of rangy blonde slugging, but brunette holds firm. Lisa won’t yield position—staying on top at the apron, taking punches, but outworking her blonde toe-to-toe in on-stop action.

R4: VANDERVOORT’S ROCKED! Rinna braving Laura’s jab, stepping in against it, throwing the short, palm-down, very short motions as she clips Laura’s chin and keeps her backpedalling. Laura stunned, staring at the ropes; Rinna in and out—feinting. Then pouncing in with chop-chop rights and lefts, punching Vandervoort dizzy. Laura all lanky, right at her chest, left at her tummy—she’s leaning forward and back, bouncing off ropes, being supple, but taking a terrible beating. Vandervoort’s legs tested again and again through two minutes, but down the stretch—Laura snaps a vicious hook off Rinna’s tummy, bunching Lisa up. Rinna disengages with a wounded look—right elbow tight to her body as Laura goes over to offense. Vandervoort stalking, loping after Lisa—trying to touch her light, prodding right hands, followed by fight-ending, smoothly curling hooks a la Tito Trinidad. Through 4 both beauties looking scuffed up, stunned: it’s been a hellish 12 minutes under a hot sun.

R5: Rinna nimble—feinting, timing Laura’s long jabs, then hopping in with short, crisp hooks and right hands. Laura stumbling back from face-spank: Vandervoort visibly startled as quick-mitt Rinna makes her mark. Minute in: Laura near the ropes drills a smooth one-two up the middle (blocked): while Rinna covers up. Laura resets her feet, pops hips-right and drags a succulent, lithe left hook into Rinna’s paunch. Shout of pain, Lisa Rinna: brunette covers up earmuff, stooping forward in gut-shock. Laura goes to work lanky: skidding the elastic right hand atop Rinna’s scalp, then gouging the left uppercut to body and chin, Lisa whimpering under the whack, tottering forward in babysteps as Laura straps away. Laura clips a quick right/left uppercut off Lisa’s guard then slashes Rinna a slinging sidearm right in behind the left elbow, followed by a majestic, bandy-armed left uppercut off the brunette’s midsection. Rinna crumples forward, sobbing in agony: Laura cups hands behind the brunette head, spins her, eases her backward into the ropes, Cue murderous lank-bodied beatdown: Laura squares away, gets sexy on Lisa as Rinna’s curvy legs hold her up. Not for the feint of heart: Laura snarling as she first paws one hand at Lisa to measure, then licks her the opposite hand to harm. Rinna bobbing sadly behind her mitts, rotating her torso: she’s beaten without mercy or remorse as Laura slams away 10-8 without the knockdown.

CONCLUSION

Originally posted by Simguy on 6/5/2008, 8:55 pm.

R6: Rinna shabby, all banged up, but vengeful: she circles to her right, tracing little ovals in the air with her palm-down left. Vandervoort equally shopworn, beautiful face swelling badly—she’s carrying the right at her breasts, letting the left dangle at her side. Lisa the crisper worker here: stabbing jabs at Laura’s long torso, then jumping out of range, feinting Laura, then stepping in to hook her mouth; pinging out little backhand jabs, then dropping that quick right hand to chin, Vandervoort turning—stalking, but not getting off: she’s growing increasingly listless, glassy eyed. Down the stretch, laura absorbing VERY clean right hands: Rinna bending ‘em in from close range; Laura’s head tossing to her right, her right hand stacked useless atop her left at her midsection. As they separate at the bell, Rinna glances back over her shoulder, brightening in satisfaction at Laura’s wobbling glutes.

R7: Vandervoort catches a second wind, engages Lisa in brutal trade, all around the ring. Laura gambling: huge right uppercuts from too far out; vicious all-or-nothing hooks as she twists into em. Lisa ducking and weaving, showing her left shoulder to Laura, jabbing at blonde torso and working for spots to hop in and drop chop. Wonderful give and take—Lisa in and out, scoring in short, hacking bursts; Vandervoort lashing, but landing with thump, distributing her punishment evenly between head and body. Down the stretch, Laura separates herself-she feints Lisa into covering up; dips the left shoulder, then snatches the left uppercut off Rinna’s lightly browned tummy. Lisa’s knees lock up—she cringes forward, badly gut-shocked again. Vandervoort snarling, steps right, riding her left hand atop Rinna’s head while administering chilling right hand buggywhips to body. Crowd shrieking in response as Laura warps her long body into these dreadful shots—the right hand bouncing with thump off Rinna’s left hip and lower back. Rinna frozen on the spot,  paralyzed: Laura happy to sling’em in to the bell.

R8: Rinna achy up off her stool, ashen faced: Laura’s thrilling body work has robbed the brunette of pounce, Lisa forward, dukes up, elbows in: Laura more mobile—still able to move to either side, turning her girl midring. Vandervoort, smooth, patient: she’s working one-twos up the middle, but she’ll lead with either hand, constantly peppering. She’ll vary speeds—sometimes just touching at Rinna’s guard, sometimes drilling into it, occasionally penetrating to face. Laura’s legs still springy—bounding back from Lisa’s pressure, then sidestepping her: blonde always able to renegotiate and take the initiative. Rinna repeatedly rocked, knees buckling as she keeps her hands up: Laura able to slide slick right hands through often enough to keep Lisa in trouble.

R6: Rinna looking her age: face all busted up, eyes swelling, hair matted, mouth open. Lisa’s guard starting to break down: Laura able to punch through with either hand, spanking face with authority, Vandervoort all lanky—stepping around in crouch, occasionally leading sneaky, elastic right hands, then bringing the left. Final minute shows Laura at her cruelest: she drops the left to her aside, cocks the right at her chest and starts creep-stepping to her right, pointing the left shoulder at tired Lisa. Laura stepping to spots, then unleashing vicious, whippy right hands—sometimes sidearm.wide; sometimes uppercut/gouging—merciless tearing at Rinna’s body. Lisa turning, blubbering: she’s helpless to stop this—Laura just circling, placing one well-considered right after another into her foe’s stomach or flank, crippling Rinna by the bell. Loisa hugging herself, sniveling as she staggers to her corner in tatters.

R10: Laura Vandervoort much the fresher fighter: both girls know it. Lisa shying away, keeping her dukes up in peek-a-boo—just trying to go the route, Laura’s face intense, hungry—she steps-to0 Lisa, squares up on her, goes to her lanky, Vandervoort keeping elbows in, hands near her chin: she’ll cycle light one-twos onto Lisa then rip her the heavy hook or lashing right hand, She’ll walk in on Rinna with a slapping, overhand right delivered to breasts or down onto ribs, She’ll hook at Rinna’s waist—blonde girl arching her supple back, making each punch an exquisite work of art, Throughout it all—Rinna collapses, scattering along ropes, stumbling across the ring, unable to answer. Lisa Rinna too proud, too sturdy to go down: Laura contents herself with battering her foe bell to bell, salting away a hard-won UD10.

After: Rinna collapses in her corner—recipient of a breathtaking number of clean slobberknocking punches on the day: fight could well hold up as Fight of the Year—CERTAINLY as Beach Bout of the Year. Vandervoort battered in return, but jubilant: as heartless as she was during the fight, she’s concerned afterwards—hugging a demoralized Rinna on her stool.

“I expected a tough fight,” admits Laura in postfight, “but nothing like this! Lisa fought me tooth and nail—forced me to dig down and extend her. She hurt me many, many times—honestly, I thought I was going out more than once—but I just wouldn’t give in today. I hope she’s OK, and I hope she keeps at it: she proved she’s got more than enough for most women at lightweight. I’d pay good money to see her and Denise Richards go at it!”

Reposted by Archer 6/14/09.