Charlize Theron vs. Mariah Carey (IV) by simguy 11-25-05

"Lauren proved a right hand is a still a girl's best friend against Charlize," Carey grins in prefight, "that's all I needed to see to make this fight. I've battered Rebeccah Romijn, I've had Charlize herself out on her feet - I've got all the beef I need to put this girl on her back!"

Theron enjoying the moment - not often she's in with a celebrity of equal radiance - she's most complimentary her side of the dais. "Mariah Carey's the strongest puncher in boxing," Charlize states flatly, "there: I said it. She's sloppy and wild sometimes - doesn't have that coldblooded Jeri Ryan timing you need to be a real KO artist, but when Mariah lays lumber on you? You feel it for weeks. I'm looking forward to a tough, tough scrap, and you know what? I haven't forgotten that time Mariah's talking about, and I haven't forgiven those punches. If I have my way, Mariah's going to have to book another 6 months off at a spa to recover from this one!"

Charlize in cream bikini, tan sheepskin mid-calf boxing boots with tassles - Mariah in hulking champagne sport-cut bikini top (spaghetti straps), ivory bottoms, bright white crushed-velvet boxing boots with tassles. White gloves, both vixens.

Rd 1: Mariah comes in looping right hands - Charlize negotiating with deft matadorena sidesteps before fitting Carey's onrushing chin for an intercepting chop-down right cross. MARIAH SCATTERS TO HER KNEES! Carey windblown, goggle-eyed, open-mouthed on all fours - Charlize GLEAMING as she prances to neutral corner to bask in the glow of a very artful knockdown (connaisseurs of the counterpunch stand up ringside, kissing their fingertips MMMWAH! at the deftness of the blow). Mariah giving her head a shake, rallying off the canvas - she's dukes up, chin tucked, wading off the ropes as Theron taunts and jeers her from well outside. Cocky, showboating stuff from Charlize - hands at her sides as she lopes in a wide circle around Mariah; stomp-feinting like she's coming in, then fading back; waving nuisance punches at Mariah's face to get the blink, then pounding something beefy off the paunch. Carey rock solid, stepping forward and getting touched up - Mariah unable to get off, but recovering nicely, finishes up the round walking Theron down.

Rd 2: Charlize still too cute and quick. Theron smug, batting her gloves together as she sets up in front of Mariah, crouching forward, jabbing the tummy or tits, sliding in a choppy right hand off her shoulder, then sidestepping around either Carey shoulder. Hopping, dancing footwork from Theron - tassles tossing - then she stops, sets down, looking to potshot Mariah as Carey creeps forward. Mariah still getting stroked hard - Charlize dropping short, silky right hand licks clean on chin which have Carey wobbly-butt - but singer proving brawny, able to cover up and ride out the squalls. Easy breezy shutout Charlize: her corner's upbeat, asking for more body work - "Awright, you've had your fun - let's break this girl down now..."

Rd 3: Mariah's spent six minutes closing the gap on Charlize, finally puts mitts on meat as the girls open the third trading hot. Big belting licks - white gloves bouncing loud off golden-brown shoulders, shining flanks. Strapping punches followed by pushing/shoving sessions as girls fall in together - Charlize doing a nice job of tightening up stroke, punching her way out of the clinches, working tummy and tits. Mariah grimacing, but competing - she's being outworked, but she's mentally still in the fight - late the round, she catches Charlize backing straight out with a wide, winging hook. Theron startled, stumble-stepping off a curb: she's wide open for a CRASHING Carey right hand flush on the chin. Crowd shouting as one as Charlize' knees deep bend, then lock up - stork-stepping her around in a fog as the majesty of Carey's wallop takes full effect. Mariah snarling, hurling right hands at Charlize' skull - Theron awkwardly staggering away manages to evade the worst of it, hitting ropes and walking Carey into a time-wasting clinch at the bell. Charlize' mouth open and wet against Mariah's shoulder as Carey's trying to reef her arms free - ref has to pry struggling big blonde bodies apart.

Rd 4: Charlize looking a little groggy, lips parted, flat footed - hands are stacked right over left at her waist as she steps heavily to her right, dragging the front (left) foot in a bucket. Carey pushing out her left to prod Charlize in the chest - measuring her - then leaning in with sweeping right hand after sweeping right hand. Easy reads for Charlize, and Theron's counterclockwise movement helping to absorb these blows - but Carey's relentless bombing runs starting to look increasingly dangerous. Theron relying on slick punch n' clutch - tieing Mariah up after tagging her, walking her around, moving her feet.

Rd 5: Woozy Charlize still employing textbook punch n' clutch - but look at Mariah adjust! Carey throwing hard shoulders at Charlize' mouth inside - drawing warnings, but discouraging clinches regardless - Carey able to come forward and impose her will consistently this round. Charlize pawing punches, stepping back - Mariah's catching her repeatedly long, swinging rights upside the head, drawing resentful, glassy-eyed stares from the former champ. Fight takes on a meandering, stop and go pace - Mariah steadily walking Charlize down, belting her righty: Theron touching Carey the jab, walking her into short-chopping rights and looking to clinch for breaks. Carey able to body up, press Theron against the ropes for the first time tonight: Mariah warned for roughing Charlize up with forearms, tousle-rubbing and those aggressive shoulder-shucks.

Rd 6: Charlize open-mouthed, sluggish - hands still loose at her waist despite constant pleas from her corner to pick 'em up. Theron supple, cute at the ropes - reading Carey's punches and leaning back from them, or ducking under them, reaching for Mariah's waist and hauling her in for sweaty embraces. Carey baring her teeth - loading up and throwing hard - she's telegraphing, allowing Theron to slip the hurt. Soggy, sloppy round - Theron basically digging in back-on-ropes, counter-boxing and clinching beautifully: Mariah strong on her feet, smashing punches onto Charlize, but unable to ticket the chin for an instant win.

Rd 7: Charlize sets up ropeside - palming at Mariah, pulling her head down, pestering her with little pokes and swats. Carey ends the suspense at the minute mark with a series of big, booming, roundhouse right hands to Charlize left flank: Theron sobbing aloud, knees buckling - she reaches in to clinch and is PANCAKED by her marauding foe against the ropes. Mariah shoving her way clear, staying on that body - she's palming Char in the chest left, waxing her beefy rights in the side - crippling, bashing shots shaking Charlize to her foundations. Theron twisting her torso, taking the occasional shot on her back, trying to tie up, pull Mariah's head down - anything to slow the punishment. Carey at her romping, rambunctious best - ears pinned back, slugging mindless - this is when she can really hurt a girl. Charlize soaks up a tanning - rolling and slipping shots, not answering back much - she's shivering at the bell, courtesy the merciless thump of Mariah's heavy mitts. Carey crowing, drawing her thumb across her throat en route to her corner.

Rd 8: Shopworn Charlize dots Mariah lead rights, swatting hooks while backpedalling, but bigger blonde soon chases smaller to ropes and piles on. Carey with her chin out over Charlize' shoulder, hoisting lefts and rights up into trembling midsection - Theron soon butt-in-ropes, mouth open, eyelashes fluttering from blockbuster body blows. Rangy, rising wallop underneath gives way to sloshing right hands up top - clubbing nastiness partially blocked, or smashing Charlize in the back as she ducks, but it's all crudely effective. Theron swaying, hair in eyes, lips parted - constantly tieing up head-and-arm on Mariah. Ref issuing quick breaks, pushing Mariah off with a hand in her chest, but she marches back in hungry to keep up the pressure. From the midway point, Theron in dire, dire straits - pushing her hands out, eyes half closed - her head snapping around from punches, her body cringing as Mariah loads up and lands hard. It's all too much - minute and a half of unopposed Carey punching adds up in Theron's exquisite legs - proud former champ finally wilting to all fours, panting, head bowed at Mariah's feet. Carey screaming down at Charlize' shiny back to "GET UP!" - pushed back by the ref. Theron beats the count, head lolling, eyelashes fluttering as she reclines in a corner - ref taking a good close look as he shows Char 8 fingers.

Rd 9: Mariah recklessly storms the ring, piling into Charlize blonde-on-blonde in the Krusher corner: slugging mayhem ensues. Theron battered, busted up, but still alert - hands're up now, blocking shots as she bends at the waist, starts making Carey miss again. Charlize stroking Carey back cutey-pie hooks and sneaky right hands inside Mariah's walloping haymakers - Carey's chin starting to get painted as Theron scores, ducks to avoid the receipt. Down the stretch, Theron countering off the slip, gets beneath a rampaging Carey right hand, answers back the left uppercut and THERE GO CAREY'S LEGS! Mariah suddenly destitute, staring, hands at her belly: Charlize rips her another left uppercut while stepping left, rips her again to reverse field, putting Carey's back to ropes. CHARLIZE UNLEASHES! Theron snarling, putting it to Mariah beefy - big right hands wide to the flank; tuck-tuck hooks in behind the right elbow and nasty left uppercuts to spill Mariah upright. Carey's mouthpiece clapped off her teeth as she stares back in tatters, unable to comprehend the reversal - Charlize has her pounding way to the bell and beyond as ref jumps in to enforce break.

Rd 10: OH THEY SLAM AWAY! Punch-stupid vixens slosh to midring and swing away - looping punches wrapping around the opponent as girls fall in and stagger-waltz in weary embrace. It's just mindless brawling - girls leaning forward, hips back for room underneath, hoisting galloping punches up into straining ribcages, tender tummies. They're busting each other robust uppercuts; they're stroking each other clapping hooks. They're clanging away chins-high, butts-back, just a-slinging on the hurt. Staggering brawl tumbles to the finish line as girls maul and push at each other late - ref jumps in to tug 'em apart and this one goes to the cards. Comes back a tractorpull special: DRAW after 10 blazing heats.

After: Both women absorbing astonishing punishment, convinced that the other was just one punch away from going under - crowd-pleasing slugfest harkens back to the earliest days of Theron's career as she finishes up shiny-faced and exhausted.

"I felt I controlled Mariah off the ropes," Charlize offers, wincing in postfight, "but obviously the judges weren't able to see what I was doing to her. Mariah's got these great big swinging punches that are very visual and beguiling - but not all that effective. Honestly, I felt I was never threatened in the fight and these judges pretty much bought a bunch of snake oil tonight."

Carey upbeat, puffy and lumped up herself - she proves a true welter warrior in hanging in toe-to-toe with Charlize. "I'm hamhanded!" Mariah boasts non-sensically. "I had Charlize out on her feet and I felt they should have stopped it once I started landing. She could have been seriously hurt tonight - refs can't just let me stack a girl up and tee off all night like that - they have to understand when I've worn a girl out and do the right thing by her. Charlize was lucky - very lucky - I didn't hang an L on her sorry ass tonight!"