#249 Charlize Theron vs. Jennifer Garner (VIII) by simguy 5-26-06

“Anyone who’s seen our last few fights,” Charlize crows in prefight, “knows that I’ve solved Jennifer Garner for good and all. She’s putty in my hands. Years ago, you had to respect her on a physical level, but Jen’s been lazy coming back from pregnancy - she’s got ‘fat-momma’ syndrome written all over her. She’s on her last legs: chunky, pasty, chafing legs at that!”

Garner pursing her lips, ill-amused, but used to Theron’s bluster. “Charlize isn’t exactly an ingenue-gazelle these days either,” Jennifer points out, “really more a 30-something clydesdale. I’ll admit this - most girls with a right hand can’t land it on me, but Theron can, so I have to be conscious of that. But I still feel a pound of me is worth a pound-and-a-half of her - I’m still going to come forward, pressure her body and break her down.”

Theron in green bikini - Jen in sturdy black bikini with halter top, ring connection, full-coverage bottoms.

Rd 1: Jen with a stiff, ramrod jab as she scoots forward, hustles Theron to ropes and goes to work. Jen prodding jabs in Char’s face, swat-hooking ear off the nibbling stick, hard-hooking the flank, looping the right hand over top while crouching close to smother. Theron elbows in, either earmuffing up, or showing right under her chin/left across her body while leaning forward. CT bending at the waist, leaning back into ropes - bumping Jen shoulders, occasionally pawing out the left jab off the right foot, then leaning into the ropes all covered up as Garner responds with clubbing fury. Jen occasionally pushed off, but doing a good job of getting back on top, fighting off Charlize’ chest and hounding the golden goddess for points in the first.

Rd 2: Theron bouncing to midring - weight on front (left) foot, right foot up on the right big toe - hands up, palms out. CT light on her feet - chopping out the first jab, backhand-tapping the second, stepping around Garner’s flank before the receipt. Theron leaning into her clockwise motion, occasionally poking in lead rights, following with choppy jabs - enough to keep Jen off balance, blocking and turning rather than attacking. Char’s limbs nice and relaxed - hands making circles in the air when she has them up, otherwise she’s happy to keep ‘em waist level, leaning away to create distance whenever Garner tries to penetrate. Nice loping rotation - Theron keeping her distance - she snatches back the points that Garner’s pressure stole from her in the first.

Rd 3: Jennifer keeping right tight to cheek, jabbing stubby to Charlize’ mouth and ducking down to the right. Theron popping her own jab, neatly tracking Jen’s left eye, balling up the right fist and hacking it down at Jen’s temple with an elastic tomohawking motion. Jennifer bobbing side to side, staying low: Charlize leaning back, swivel-pivoting around, staying high. Down the stretch, brawling rights and lefts delivered as Garner crouch-steps her way forward, catching Theron’s chin and driving her to ropes. CT upright, cupping hands at Jen’s ears, trying to control her head: Garner pushing and mauling, pulling down on Theron’s wrists and clubbing at her for brawling points in the third. CT scuffed up at the bell, griping at the ref to “watch her head, will you?”

Rd 4: Mirror-image round - intense midring negotiations in the first two minutes, followed by a break-through Garner rush to force Theron into defensive posture at the ropes. Jennifer very muscular, very rough with Charlize - pushing in with her head, beating the ribs, getting a forearm up under Theron’s chin to lever her back and draw warnings from the ref. Theron the bigger vixen, but on her heels, can’t get traction, can’t get her weight forward as Jen bashes that Oscar-winning torso. More Garner points: Charlize back to her corner dishelved, nicely roughed up.

R5: Charlize back-to-ropes, lumping up, taking a lot of shots. She’s supple, relaxed - turning to point her left shoulder at Jen, lifting the jab up to paw off her right foot, then leaning into the ropes as Garner comes bursting up the middle. Charlize grabby - pulling down on Garner’s head, tieing up her arms. Charlize leaning back and cuffing hooks off her right foot, or twisting to her left for chopping little peek-a-boo right hands onto Jen’s jaw. Garner frowning, fighting through Theron’s nibbling tactics and hammering home with authority. Stubby Garner jab setting up short-jamming rights - hooks mopping up thick in flank or ear. Jen warned for constant tousle-scrubbing and forehead-bumping - just this side of out-and-out headbutting, but Theron’s busting up under the rubbage nonetheless. Jen working out of a compact crouch, bringing her hands back to her chest, bobbing and weaving to slip Theron’s pesky counters - just classic Garner hard work, using Charlize up. Near the bell, CT slipping shots in her closed stance - Jennifer hooks the breasts, leans into a SHATTERING right to the jaw - Theron’s head flings back in a corona of sweat, long legs soaking up the blow at the bell.

Rd 6: Charlize shopworn, mouthbreathing - she retreats to ropes, crouching to her right side while pawing out jabs, then leaning into the ropes, covering up as Garner hurtles forward. Jennifer pursing her lips, narrowing her eyes - really belting Charlize with thunderous, shocking leather. Punches bouncing off Theron’s lats, shoulders, ribs, clubbing blows caroming off temples, digging work cramming home to breadbasket. Charlize increasingly shabby - reaching for Jen and tieing up behind her arms; riding the right arm behind Jen’s head in exhaustion, while Garner plunders the Theron midriff. Jennifer pushing Charlize off now - not waiting for the breaks - Garner’s choppy jab, harsh combination punching now pulverizing Charlize’s magnificent, fleshy torso. Charlize slackjawed, ragdoll as she bounces off the ropes, taking punches and tilting onto one foot or the other; laying back into the ropes with eyelashes fluttering - Jen pounding away to the bell leaves Theron wobbly butt, staring through 6.

Rd 7: Charlize retreats to ropes, pawing out her jab, swiping hooks off her right foot as she twists, leans into the ropes to absorb Garner’s relentless rushes. Jennifer just pouring herself at Charlize - stubby jabs forcing Theron to cover up, then thumping lefts and rights rock the cringing megastar. Jennifer snatching at Charlize’ tummy - ripping it up with thick lefts and rights, bringing the hands back quick and immediately bobbing to avoid receipt. Charlize fighting in spots out of the peek-a-boo guard, curling her body to her right while trying to lick that hook off the right foot - Jennifer’s bobbing under it, or pre-empting everything with her non-stop punching. Garner’s stamping punches to Theron’s pecs, breasts and biceps - turning sidearm or underhand when she wants to pulverize the tummy or flanks. Charlize stiffening, lolling slowly as she moves her achy torso: big blonde just getting systematically battered tonight as brunette chops away methodical. Bell: CT staggering, hair obscuring her eyes, lips parted - she’s a wandering tragedy through 7.

Rd 8: More Jennifer Garner: Charlize Theron just can’t hold her off. CT at the ropes, looking to clinch, or push Jen off by her shoulders - no punching from Theron as Jennifer goes into overdrive. Garner smashing away at the dregs - that chippy, insistent jab in Charlize’ face setting up withering blasts head to hip. The constant muscular jostle of Jen’s left shoulder in Theron’s chest, ragdolling the blonde. The pushing and bullying, the pulling-down of Charlize’ hands, exposing her jaw to wallop and clout. Garner rhythmic - pushing and bullying - it’s a masterpiece of slugging seduction as Theron goes numb, limp under the dreadful bombardment. Final minute - Charlize stooped forward groggy, hands up limp: vicious Garner right hand flattens CT’s right ear to her shoulder. Theron out on her feet, but still there: Garner smashes another right hand to the lolling head: Jen pursing her lips, narrowing her eyes as she brutalizes her foe. CT’s left leg gives way, spilling her a groggy slosh to her left - Jennifer’s hook misses over top as Charlize spills awkwardly into the mat, rolling mumbling to her back, hands prettily over her head. KO8 in thudding fashion - Jennifer Garner.

After: Jennifer’s turn - she answers Charlize’ claim to supremacy with an emphatic “No”, beating Theron senseless before putting her on the canvas to stay. Steady, implacable Jen at her best - if there’s any post-partum drag on her performance, we didn’t see it tonight.

“I just shut her down,” Jen says, swigging a water bottle, white towel draped around her neck. “I took the ring away from her, that was the main thing, then I just reduced the pocket when she set up. Nothing fancy - I just pulped up on her arms and chest, really banged her body, put my body on her as much as possible - just basic Theron-beating strategy and it worked perfect tonight.”

CT badly beaten, groggily resettled to her stool for TLC - golden goddess just never got into her groove tonight, couldn’t get Jen off her chest and couldn’t extend on those fight-winning right hands she’s used to such devastating effect in the past.