Posted by Simguy on 5/27/2005, 7:12 am.

Before: Jessica poo-pooing the notion that Elisha's bigger and stronger - Simpsy purely focused on a Lindsay Lohan type outcome. "I bullied Lindsay, Lindsay battered Elisha - what do you think's gonna happen?" Simpson asks assembled press. "I'll just pound Elisha's jugs and make her quit - just like I did Lindsay." Conclusions less cut and dried where Elisha's concerned. "I still can't believe the Krusher's cut ME loose and kept this hairbrained tramp - I'm going to beat Jessica to a pulp just to show them what a good move that was. As far as Lindsay's concerned, that just shows you what a dimwit Simpson is. As I recall, I gave Lindsay a horrible pasting in our fight - she's STILL having nightmares over it. I'm gonna put my thumb on both Lohan and Simpson with this win - I'm definitely the top of this particular pyramid." Simpsy in pink Daisy Duke bikini (medics on hand with defib paddles for any at ringside who might require them) - Elisha in ivory tie-side bikini.

During R1: Simpsy crouching, hands reaching - she wants to close, squirm up close and start working. Cuthbert smart first minute - hands up, palms out - eyes intent as she works her jab, sticking Simpsy to the face, bogging her down at the end of the punch. Elisha placing right hands firm and loud to the body - leather pounding out tart against Jessica's ribs, tummy. Midway through, Cuthbert stepping to her right, walks Jess into a tidy right uppercut - Simpsy spills past, face-first to ropes - Cuthbert pounces, squares up big girl. Elisha establishes wrap: left arm trapping Jessica's right, right hand free to plug flat to body, or jam in rich to jug. Simpsy grimacing, trying to jerk her right arm free or tie up with her left arm, but Elisha too big: she's using her right to push Jess open before laying on the leather. Round ends to the sound of Elisha's right hand flattening Jessica's bulging Double Ds - ref has to pull snarling ex-Krusher off snivelling current version.

R2: Job of work for Elisha, she piles into Jess midring, writhing and wrestling with her, steadily walking her back to ropes. Jessica's right side pushed into ropes - Elisha leaning on her girl with the left forearm, winding up and JAMMING away righty. Buttocks, back, hip, ribs - Elisha just slamming away wet n' hefty - beating the bejesus out of Jessica's trembling little bodkin. Poor Simpsy breathing hard, doubled over and trapped - this is basically holding and hitting but ref slow to view it as such allows Elisha a brutal window to get work done. Ref's breaks do punctuate latter half the round, but Simpsy's worn down, mouthbreathing - Elisha wading in cold-eyed, dukes at her chin, constantly getting her big body on Jess and mauling her to the bell.

R3: Jessica fighting hard midring - engaging Elisha in a wild, free swinging fire fight. Cuthbert caught in the mouth a clouting right hand, bashed upside the head a left, but she's shaking it off, ducking low and fitting her own right hands flat against Simpsy's straining, wide open belly. Jessica bumped and belted steadily backward - by the second minute Elisha's back on top big-girl, grinding Jessica against the ropes. Final minute all Cuthbert helping herself to jug, wrapping with the left, plugging brutal with the right. Simpsy wailing - she can't shove her way clear, can't get Elisha's respect - wheels are falling off early in this one.

R4: Simpsy distraught, panicked - all she can do is fight harder. Elisha showing more versatility, better skills along with being bigger - she's step out to the right, heartlessly stabbing that jab to Jessica's all-too-available mug - Simpsy just blinking back, crouching, doesn't know what to do. Cuthbert takes over when Jessica gets discouraged, muscling Simpsy to ropes, holding her down with that forearm across the shoulder/upperback, working the exposed flank as Simpsy cowers doubled up at the ropes. Bludgeoning stuff - Cuthbert not all that scientific once she gets Simpsy parked - just a matter of beating her senseless with fat right hands to the body.

R5: Jessica's spots coming fewer and farther between - she's swinging desperately off her heels, not getting a lot of leverage on her shots, and when Elisha pancakes her against ropes, it's all Cuthbert. D-lish happy in her work, smiling hard when she can lean on Simpson and plug away, blowing hair out of her eyes as she shifts weight. Jessica constantly crammed sideways to the ropes and worked over - when she DOES manage to get square, Elisha works her over out of the wrap. Cuthbert alternating wrapping with either hand, jamming away to jug the free mitt, palming and bodying Simpsy upright. Jessica just sick about it - she can't get hateful blonde off her, and the beating is adding up through 5.

R6: Simpsy wobbly-butt off her stool - she's shipped a TON of punches tonight with no end in sight. Elisha hardhearted, eyes squinting with hate - she's right back on, bodying up and walking Simpsy to ropes. More belly, more ribs, more jug - Cuthbert wallowing in Simpson's misery, taking everything and more from quivering Jessica. Simpsy showing her heart, brawling back in spots - Cuthbert forced to cover up earmuff as Jessica belts away clubbing lefts and rights, but Krusher fury not enough to back bigger girl up. Elisha finishes up working from the orthodox wrap (left arm riding, right hand slugging) leaning her weight in as right hands bump flat against Jessica's weeping tummy. Simpsy groaning, shabby, dishelved - she hobbles to her corner all rickety and hurt as Cuthbert does a slooow prance, hands held high, smile lighting up the arena.

R7: It's all going so sadly wrong for Jess - she just can't stop the snowball. Simpson fighting her heart out, brawling toe to toe midring with Elisha and pounding Cuthbert's rack a swabbing series of rights and lefts, but Cuthbert's just as vicious. Elisha hitting Jessica with her hardest shots, and some of them are well-chosen uppercuts or hooks timed just inside Simpsy's wider shots: smaller woman getting outclassed as well as outslugged. Fight inevitably staggers to ropes, then Elisha can take over, getting a belly on Simpsy and just roasting her in punishment. Sickening to watch - this isn't boxing: Elisha just smearing Jess sideways, leaning on her to hold her down and beating her with childish determination. Elisha working up quite a sweat, constantly blowing a nagging lock of hair out of her eyes - at the bell, she chests up and lets groggy Jessica hear all about it. Ref takes a hand, admonishing Cuthbert against taunting.

R8: Simpsy badly broken down, glassy eyed, but stubborn - she desperately wants to batter Elisha, stumbles out to try. Cuthbert gathering shabby blonde up midring, walking her backwards to ropes and stacking her up - Elisha piggy with a helpless Jess now, just enjoying the ride. Wrap left, slug right - wrap right, slug left - Cuthbert goes about systematically, oh-so-methodically plundering Simpson's mouthwatering jugs this round. It's constant. It's hateful. A non-stop moist-belting barrage against Jessica's sulking hooters, so helpless and inviting as Simpson can't stop the rain. Simpsy slumped against ropes, eyelashes fluttering, mouth open, head lolling wearily as her chest is thumped and thumped again. Mouth piece dribbles off Jessica's teeth, down her chest - that's enough for the ref. Official steps in and pries Elisha off her prey - Cuthbert screaming taunts, loving the sight of a badly used up, battered Jessica Simpson. TKO8 Cuthbert in hamhanded fashion.

After: Full circle - Jessica runs Lohan out of the ring, Lohan hammers Elisha, Elisha takes it out on Jessica: this triangle still unsettled. Simpson hugging herself in stupor on her stool, Krusher women standing protectively around their littlest juggernaut - frosty glares Cuthbert's way as Elisha hams it up in her corner. "My jugs stopped her jugs!" Elisha proudly boasts in post fight. "In fact, her jugs were never in this fight. I knew I'd be too strong for her and I just gave it to her - if that wasn't beating of the year, I don't know what is! Too much Elisha - that's what it was. WAY too much Elisha!"

Thanks to Apollo for this repost.

Archer 10/19/09.