SHAKY CAM FOOTAGE: BECKINSALE.MCCARTHY POSt-MATCH

Originally posted by ANS: Underground on 9.6/2008, 11:16 pm

Once again the spoilsport higher-ups of the FCBA & HBO cut away to Swan Lake just as the action was really getting interesting. And you, the loyal FCBA viewer want to know what happened between Jenny and Kate, but why settle for incoherent blog posts from half drunk fans or a sanitized press release when you can take in the vicious spectacle with your very own eyes in all it’s crystal clear, only slightly shaky digi-cam glory for absolutely free of charge thanks to the erstwhile staff of ANS: Underground? Just check out the file below to see what all the fuss is about and then you too can throw in your two cents worth. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to cleaning up this inexcusably grainy footage of a what appears to be a parking lot / back alley confrontation between Allison Mack and Jennifer Love Hewitt. (Sneak preview; a disheveled Love is doing an awful lot of waving off as the infuriated blonde walks her down) Barring any mechanical trouble or legal challenges, it could be up by early next week. Until then, enjoy this segment that we here at the office are calling ‘ANOTHER BUN(NY) BITES THE DUST’

~ Dwight Renfield, chief correspondent for Archer News Service Underground

********

Scene fades up from black just as FCBA security (in a rare instance in which they aren’t totally overwhelmed by the situation) is getting the blonde and brunette’s respective entourages under control, however, this show of force is dedicated to the outside of the ring while the real action is going on between the ropes.

Gaudy bracelet looped around her right wrist, Kate chested up on the battered, furious blonde and purred, “I bet you’re wishing I hadn’t made weight right about now aren’t you Jenny dear?”

Barely able to choke down the most vile string of invective she knew, McCarthy growled, “Laugh it up now you dumpy British b###h. Because the next time we go I promise you I’m takin’ that charm back and then I’m gonna ram it down your goddamned throUUUUUNNNNGHH!” The American doubled up in boozy agony as Beckinsale POUNDED a short right hand into her belly.

Grinding her knuckles into the blonde’s paunch just so she could hear the bracelet jangle, the brunette Brit cooed, “My dearest Jenny haven’t you ever heard of a rhetorical question? What in God’s name would ever make you believe I WANTED to hear you speak? All I require of you now is your legs.”

Straightening McCarthy up with a double handful of hair, Kate snuggled in against her opponent’s right side and snaked her left arm around her waist. Digging her fingers into the blonde’s midriff, Beckinsale started forward, dragging Jenny alongside her in a Walk of Shame that managed to be simultaneously elegant and tawdry. Beaming for the sea of flashbulbs, Beckinsale raised her be-charm braceleted right hand and rewarded her faithful with a gleaming smile and that funky little ‘screwing in a light-bulb’ sort of wave that would be familiar to anyone who had ever watched a parade.

After enough strutting circuits to bring Jenny to the brink of tears. Kate called a halt to the fun on the side of the ring that faced Hef and his centerfold followers. Forcing McCarthy forward so that her juggs and arms were draped awkwardly over the taut cable, Kate grinned out into the crowd and shouted, “I know many of you came here tonight in hopes of seeing various stages of undress and in that regard, I would hate to disappoint you, so….” Trailing off, the brunette walked her fingers up the curve of Jenny’s back to the nape of her neck. Reaching the black knot of the blonde’s bikini top, Beckinsale smiled mischievously and started about the work of undoing it.

She only got about halfway there before she stopped and asked, “What am I doing? I’m just perpetuating a negative stereotype. Well shame on me. Jenny, these people shouldn’t see you naked, in fact, they shouldn’t even see you partially clothed. To that end, I’ve prepared something of a consolation prize for you.” Leaning languidly against the American to hold her in place, Kate glanced over her shoulder to locate one of the few unoccupied members of her ring-crew. Snapping her fingers in an impatient gesture, the brunette extended a hand and moments later she plucked a small white bundle out of the air.

Unfolding her surprise, the brunette’s revealed a plain white tee shirt inscribed with a phrase that wasn’t quite legible from this distance (at least not yet) While the camera sets about zooming in, Kate muscles Jenny’s arms up over her head and began the awkward process of rolling the garment down McCarthy’s squirming torso. Just about the time she gets finished, the zoom clears up and Beckinsale forces her prey upright to reveal the legend: KATE BECKINSALE KICKED MY ASS, PUT MY NAME ON HER BRACELET AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT!

Insolently swatting at the blonde’s rack as the Mansion contingent howled for her blood, Kate made sure that a whole bunch’a cameras went off before she swung McCarthy back around to face her. Eying the glassy-eyed American with a superior smirk, Kate drew her hands into fists and said, “Enough games for one night Jenny. Now I’m going to break your jaw -- with any luck that will keep you from being so mouthy during what little remains of your ‘ahem’ career.”

As the Briton draws a bead on her rival’s chin for what will surely be a devastating uppercut, the FCBA patrons let out a startled roar as something, or someone rather, materializes out of the crowd, hops the guardrail and slides into the ring. The camera detects this only as a blur of motion, it takes perhaps a second for the shot to steady enough to recognize Adrianne Palicki coming to her stablemate’s rescue. The statuesque blonde lets out a low whistle and as Kate whirls to face her, Adrianne explodes forward and THWAPPS a straight, high kick off the brunette’s jaw in a move that’s more welcome in the Octagon than the FCBA.

Regardless of the appropriateness of her tactics, Palicki’s kick does its job as a gobsmacked Beckinsale is sent tumbling through the ropes to land in the milling horde of her followers. Standing protectively close to the smaller woman, Adrianne leans down over the ropes and shouts, “YOU WANT SOME TWIGGY? COME AND GET IT!”

Shaking off the surprise boot faster than most, Kate steadied herself and made to lunge back into the squared circle but her trainers held her back. Glaring daggers at the tall, meddling blonde, Becks settles back into her infuriatingly calm default setting and purred, “You meddlesome trollop. You have no idea what you’ve done tonight. But you will. I swear it.” Raising her right hand high overhead, Kate jangled her bracelet a final time before whirling around on her heel to head up the aisle with her entourage in tow.