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29 November 2015 Kesha vs Heidi Klum

Page history last edited by Vassago 8 years, 4 months ago

FALL BRAWL AT THE ASYLUM PPV

Posted by The Grand Wizard on November 29, 2015, 8:43 pm

BEFORE:

"I have," says Heidi, with a shake of the head, "Not had much luck in Philadelphia. I got hometowned once, caught with some lucky punches. But. This time it will be different. Kesha is not in my class in ANY way. She WILL be going titten bis, tits up, tonight!"

"See," says Kesha with a little smile, "I told you last time that Big K is liking this model thing a little bit. And, tonight, it's going to be Heidi and not some designer who hears the words 'You're OUT'!"

ROUND ONE:

O'Dell: "Back at ringside and that's 'Wonderland' by John Mayer, and that means the lovely supermodel Heidi Klum is on her way to ringside..."

McCarthy: "And, I don't want to hear that Klum's the hottest woman over 40 or any of THAT nonsense! I've ALWAYS been hotter than her..."

Cassie: "Of course you know she's an internationally famous supermodel and was voted the most beautiful woman in the world several times..."

McCarthy: "And I'M the Playmate of the Freaking CENTURY and have been on the Playboy cover SIX TIMES!"

O'Dell (sighing): "Klum down the aisle and into the ring. Helped off with the robe, and there's that white bikini we've seen before. And, that's 'Tik-Tok' booming through the arena, and that can only mean that 'Six Feet Of Sexy', Kesha, is on her way to ringside..."

McCarthy: "Well, Klum may not be as hot as ME, but that's insanely tough competition. She's WAAAAYYY hotter than Kesha!, who's more like 'Six Feet Of Grungy. Or, Six Feet Of Overrated. Or, Really Not SIx Feet, So Even Her Height Is Overrated..."

Tess: "Are you finished?"

McCarthy: "I'm just getting warmed up..."

Tess: "That's what I'm afraid of..."

McCarthy: "Six Feet Of Dancing Hooker! Six Feet Of Lack Of Singing And Boxing Talent. Six Feet Of..."

O'Dell: "A-HEM! Kesha into the ring and helped off with the robe by Jewel and Neve. She's wearing that navy blue two piece and the crowd here appreciates it..."

McCarthy: "Again. Philly. Low standards."

O'Dell: "And, we're about ready to go. Time for picks. Tess likes Kesha. Mac?"

McCarthy: "Klum hasn't won in ages. But, Kesha's a joke. Heidi."

O'Dell: "Cassie?"

Cassie: "I agree with Tess!"

O'Dell: "Split panel. Let's see who's right. Klum immediately to work with the jab, and no surprise there. Our former commissioner always summed up Heidi as a fighter who's a good boxer, but can get robotic at times, and we're seeing some of that boxing ability right now. She's establishing space with the jab, using it to work other punches, put combinations together."

Tess: "Kesha not particularly active in the early going. She's sort of doing some recon now, looks like."

O'Dell: "Might be, but she's getting busier as we move into the second half of the round. She's establishing her own jab, the heavy Front Street variety, finding the target with it and slowing Heidi down a little bit. Klum, though, continuing to work. Getting the hands out and back. Crisp, accurate stuff from the German beauty."

Cassie: "This is developing into a nice, ranged boxing match right now. And, as we've pointed out before, this is not something you'd have seen from Kesha back a few years ago."

O'Dell: "It is not, but you're seeing it now, both fighters using very sound boxing tactics, moving head, hands, shoulders, feet, angling, punching from good angles, setting things up very well. Ten seconds left in what's been a nice, two-way round to start things. Klum jabbing, Kesha bobbing the head away, and there's the bell. Close to Heidi in the first."

McCarthy: "If they stay on these terms, Klum wins easy."

ROUND TWO:

O'Dell: "And, we're staying on these terms as we move into the second. Two tall, rangy fighters who like to extend, on their punches, and both able to do so right now. Heidi busy with that left jab, popping it in Kesha's face over and over again. Kesha's own right jab also being used quite a bit in this round, as the younger blonde boxes with..."

Cassie: "Give Klum some credit here, because Kesha's not easy to box. She's very rangy, even for a light, she's a southpaw, which you don't see a lot of, and, of course, she has as much power as any fighter in the FCBA..."

McCarthy: "Allow me to introduce you to Adrianne Palicki, The Chin Checker, one of these days..."

O'Dell: "Good points, all, Cassie, but Heidi managing to deal with that and box on even terms here. Kesha a bit busier this round, seems to have the recon finished. She's working the right hand, dropping in the occasional left. Both women moving the feet, little slide steps as they angle for position..."

Tess: "This is really some slick stuff going on here, and, as Cassie pointed out, 'slick' and 'Kesha' were not words you often put in the same sentence back a couple of years ago."

O'Dell: "You can safely do that now, because that's exactly what we're seeing from both fighters tonight, as both get into nice rhythms now. Not a lot of power punches being landed, but both are scoring with both hands, flurry and counter flurry as we head into the final seconds of this one. And, there's the bell. Close again, to Kesha this time."

Tess: "19-19 after two."

ROUND THREE:

O'Dell: "Third begins the way the second ended. Both fighters back to ranged boxing, jabs being exchanged, heads and shoulders and feet moving, power hands being set up by all that. And, just like in the last round, the fighters getting into rhythm, putting punches together well, and landing a solid percentage despite sound defense from each..."

Cassie: "Now, I don't agree with what Mac said about Heidi winning going away if we stay on these terms, but, I do think Klum would be very happy to do that, because Kesha's advantage here is being more physical, and this is ameliorating that advantage somewhat..."

O'Dell: "No question that Klum is comfortable here, and there's something to be said for trying to make your opponent uncomfortable. But, then again, what Kesha's doing is working. She's been right in the first two rounds, and she's right in this one. So, if it's working, why change things up?"

McCarthy: "But, what you have to watch is that you don't try to prove something and lose a fight doing it. 'I can box with her' and you end up on the wrong side of a UD10..."

Tess: "You mean like the time you stood and banged body with Neve Campbell for ten rounds and lost nine of them?"

McCarthy: "I WON nine of those rounds and was ROBBED by a bunch of blind judges and SHUT UP, WALMART!"

O'Dell: "Drink up, boys, as we head down the stretch in the third. Very smooth, fluid stuff from both fighters. Flurry from Klum, then a responding flurry from Kesha. Again, few power blows being landed, but both fighters scoring with both hands, and, as the bell rings, again, there's not much in it. Close to Kesha."

Tess: "And, that makes it 29-28 on our cards, but, three close rounds. Who knows what the judges have on theirs?"

ROUND FOUR:

O'Dell: "Fourth round and nothing changing. Again, both women having success, and neither in a hurry to make any adjustments. Heidi poking out that long left jab, then following with right hands. Kesha, of course, the opposite, it's the right jab for Big K and the left hand follow. Lots of caution being shown by Klum when it comes to that left hand, but not so much that it's affecting her ability to score."

McCarthy: "And, that's JUST how you want to handle a girl with power. You don't get sloppy, but you have to stay aggressive."

O'Dell: "Klum doing that, no question. She's fighting a bit more lead this round, getting off first and forcing Kesha to the counter some. Big K not staying there, mind. She's getting her own offense going, using the heavy jab to locate and set flurries in motion, but Heidi simply doing a little more in this round than she did in the last..."

Cassie: "And, as close as all these rounds have been, something like that can be big. Every punch that lands is big."

O'Dell: "No question about that, and this one is going to be every bit as close as the first three, it appears. We're coming down the stretch, again on even terms. Nobody hurt, nobody getting thrown to the defensive, just good, two-way boxing from the beginning to the final bell. And there's the final bell. Close again, but Heidi's evened this up."

Tess: "I don't remember four straight rounds this close to start a fight, but it's 38-38 on our cards, and the judges could have it 40-36 for someone for all we know."

ROUND FIVE:

O'Dell: "We begin the fifth the way we've begun every round so far, with the fighters at range boxing. Klum getting a little more aggressive now, doubling up that left jab, working to throw Kesha to the counter, like she did at times in the fourth, and she's having some success. Big K getting tossed on the defensive now, doing some covering up..."

McCarthy: "And, Klum's running with this. She's upping the work rate, staying after Kesha. She's not hurting her, but she's taking control of this round."

O'Dell: "No question of it. Kesha not getting much done, now, spending too much time with the hands high waiting for Heidi's flurry to be over. When it is, she gets a jab on, but Klum's firing right back immediately. This is excellent stuff from Heidi Klum, who's making that double-tap jab work for her in a big way."

Cassie: "Front Street corner shouting at Kesha to get moving, start working. That's pretty good advice right now, frankly."

O'Dell: "Big K not finding a way to do it at the moment, though. And, as we come down the stretch, Heidi Klum taking firm control of things, powdering Kesha's face with left hands, dropping in solid rights. It's combination after combination for Heidi as the final seconds tick off the clock. There's the bell. Klum and pretty wide."

Tess: "And, Heidi's got the lead, 48-47 at the half."

ROUND SIX:

O'Dell: "Second half of the fight begins at range again. Heidi back to the double jab, but Kesha firing right back with that heavy Front Street jab of hers. She's getting a lot busier in this round, after hearing some words of wisdom from Jewel and Neve Campbell in the corner between rounds..."

McCarthy: "Words of wisdom? From Campbell? If that ever happens, it'll be the FIRST time!"

O'Dell: "Heidi continuing to work hard. Getting that left hand on to set up the right, putting punches together. Kesha doing the same again now, after not being able to do so last round. The secret, I think, is getting that big right going, not waiting on Heidi, and that's exactly what the younger blonde is doing here in the sixth..."

Cassie: "And, speaking of Heidi, she hasn't slowed down a bit here in the sixth. She might be 42, but she's in incredible shape."

O'Dell: "No doubt about that. She's continuing to move well and the work rate remaining solid. She's absolutely keeping up with a much younger fighter. And, speaking of that younger fighter, Kesha getting plenty of her own work done. She's using that big right very well down the stretch, getting some good flurries off as the final seconds tick away. There's the bell. Close yet again. Kesha."

Tess: "And, we're even again, this time at 57."

ROUND SEVEN:

O'Dell: "Right back to ranged warfare here in the seventh round. It's been quite a fight so far, very closely contested, both women boxing well throughout the contest. And, it's been all about the jabs, frankly, with both fighters being effective with the leads, and, as a result, able to put together combinations and score points..."

McCarthy: "And, I'm not sure when the last time was that I saw a fight go into the seventh with no real power shot landed, but that's been the case tonight..."

O'Dell: "Has, indeed. Plenty of solid shot has gotten on, mind, but nothing that's hurt either fighter to...BIG LEFT FROM KESHA AND DOWN GOES KLUM! Oh, that one landed flush and sent Heidi ragdolling to her back. Klum actually bouncing once before settling on the canvas as Kesha heads to a neutral corner..."

Cassie (singing): "Turn out the liggghhhtsss, the party's ovverrrrrr..."

O'Dell: "I think the lights are off, Cassandra Lynn! Count at three. Four. Five. Klum unmoving, arms spread wide, legs together and slightly bent at the knees. Six. Seven. This is a formality. Eight. Nine. TEN! It is OVER! That quickly, this one has come to an end, and your winner by KO7 in one-punch fashion is 'Six Feet Of Sexy', Kesha!"

Tess: "Let's check the replay on this one. Hard right jab from Big K and the big overhand left already on it's way. BOOM! And Klum is out as soon as The Hammer of Thor lands. Wow! Quite a finish!"

AFTER:

O'Dell: "Let's go up to the ring and Tess Valmore!"

Tess: "I've got our winner, Kesha, and, this thing was pretty close...and then all of a sudden, it was over!"

Kesha (smiling): "Yeah. We did some BOXING out there tonight, didn't we? Big K has more than one tool in the box. But, her favorite one is still the HAMMER!"

Tess: "There's been talk about a push for you next year..."

Kesha (nodding): "I'm all for it. I'm always up for a fight, no matter who the opponent is."