(Results: Lookout! Words: Caspian)

4. Luisana Lopilato vs Meghan Markle

Luisana:
(31, 5’6, 115, 32:11 FCBA, VIXENs)

Meghan:
(39, 5’7, 16:10 FCBA, Free Agent)

BEFORE:
“Well, looks like I’m fighting royalty tonight,” Luisana chuckles from the ring. “Meghan needs to put bread and tea on the table, and after that whole drama last year, I’m surprised they’re even allowing us to get in the ring.”

Meghan indeed enters the arena smiling and waving like she’s still got a diamond tiara affixed atop her head. Definitely some of that poise and regality left over from her royal family training as she speaks to reporters with a smile. “Harry and I are doing fine, by the way. We’ve got a Netflix deal, a new home, and more importantly, time for me to get back into the ring and kick ass. I’ve been itching to get back into show business for a while, so tonight’s the first step.”

We’ve got a classic blonde versus brunette match-up here but the differences are more than skin-deep: Meghan’s from America, Luisa’s Argentinian; the former Duchess of Sussex is almost a decade older but both women look fit as they undress in respective corners: Luisa going for a safe but classic black bra set and briefs, donning blue gloves, whereas Meghan’s opted for a more traditional white sports bra and red boxing trunks - don’t want to give the tabloids a field day, now do we?

Referee calls this match to order as both fighters touch gloves before returning to their corners and striking a fight pose. Wave of the hand and DING! of the bell - HERE WE GO with ten rounds of Bantamweight action!

ROUND 1:
Luisana starts the action with a punch sent straight to the Princess’ nose, and uh oh - there’s a faux paus right there - you ain’t supposed to touch members of the British royal family without their consent! But dear Luisa ain’t giving two fucks, continues to rock Meghan’s head back with blow after blow sailing in, undefended, as the brunette scrambles to cover up. Perhaps she’s been too long out of the ring, with some ring rust clearly forming in those sluggish boots of hers, allowing Luisana to dance circles around her for the first minute and wreak more havoc on her arms and body. Late in the third do we get some bold defense, Meghan landing her own combo to Luisa’s arms and guard, but then delivering a tepid hook to the side of her head, which sends Luisa reeling to the side in shock. Definitely some bite to the Duchess, though we’ll have to see if she can back that up with stones of her own.

ROUND 2:
Meghan definitely was just warming up in the first, now a steady pillar or the bedrock of British society as she keeps Luisa off of her in the first minute, the Vixen having rushed in too fast and early, throwing punches like she’s complacent, only to get beaten back by steady counter-punching action when Meghan catches her on the cheek with a cross. Luisa grunting, not entirely sure what’s going on but finding her face throbbing with every subsequent jab combo that stings her on the lips or bunches up the cheek. Past the middle mark and she finds herself at the other end of the table now, in retreat as she fends off more jabs from afar, Markle showing a good balance of power and poise as she keeps one hand hovered near her face, the other poking repeatedly at Lopilato’s head to close the round wide.

ROUND 3:
But Lopilato ain’t gonna give up her confidence at the start of 2021 so easily. She stops Markle’s advance in the first minute with a sudden hook sent into her side, another cross-combo blasted down the middle, catching Meghan on the lips and almost throwing her off her feet with a roar. Here comes Luisa, hoping to score a knockdown here, but subsequent jabs only succeed in tagging that bronzed tummy or bashing the arms, and Meghan’s never really reduced to trouble for the remainder of the round, save for the occasional grunt offed from her lips as a jab stings inwards. Markle scares the blonde off with a hook of her own chased at the head, but Luisa looks satisfied at her handiwork this round as she circles back and takes a breather, already knows that she’s won this round wide and sees little reason to jeopardise her lead.

ROUND 4:
Here we go with back-and-forth action! Meghan suddenly rushes in to make up for the deficit, pounding on Luisa’s body and arms as she finally realises how easy it is to manhandle the Vixen. Luisa’s always been a more technical fighter and she begins to wilt here in close quarters. At least she tries to fend the Duchess off early by keeping her face hidden away behind her arms, body bent over as she minimises targets to her sternum. But Meghan offing her on the sides and ribs with steady leather-on-skin action puh puh puh, the occasional hook to the head battering down the Vixen’s doors slowly, bit by bit, as the two women end up clinched multiple times, taking breathers on the ropes and each other’s shoulders. Luisana knows she hasn’t done quite as well this round, with her entire focus being on staying alive. She has to be content with some jabs thrown into Meghan’s face throughout the round, though that’s not nearly enough to steal her the round.

ROUND 5:
Markle with more chasing and aggression here! The American actress probably thinks she’s on cloud nine after marrying the Prince of her dreams, then absconding together to America where she can live out the rest of her days as a fairytale princess. She bashes a cross hand to Luisa’s lips early, drawing a gurgle, and it’s all downhill for the Vixen from there, with Markle continuing to give chase, stick more gloves into Luisa’s face, slowly pushing her back into the ropes. Luisa’s doing her best to defend but her stomach takes a further beating when a one-two combo hits her square on the breadbasket, momentarily stunning her in place. Luisa left clinging onto the top rope with one arm for support, and all Markle needs to do is STEP IN and BLAST the Vixen across her pretty face, one HELL of a hook sending Luisa crashing DOWN to her side!

What a beautiful KNOCKDOWN for Meghan Markle! Luisa left shaking her head in shock, but slowly pushing herself off her chest and onto all fours, whilst her opponent gives another regal wave to the audience on her way back to corner. Luisa, for the first time we’ve seen her in the ring, actually looks pissed off with her performance, wiping a little drool from her lips before nodding to the referee that she intends to continue this fight. Another two minutes left on the clock and we’re equally surprised to see Luisa not only holding her ground, but fighting back with spirit in the third minute, standing her ground from more Markle aggression and forcing mutual grunts from their lips as blonde and brunette throwdown in the center of the ring.

ROUND 6:
Meghan’s losing steam and it’s starting to show: the Duchess is pushing 40 after all and clearly breathing hard as the bell rings for the sixth. It’s a weakness she’d do better than to show so openly, however, because here comes Lopilato, using her relative energy to initiate the first one-two jab combo that slaps into her arms, another fast one sent in to her body to give Meghan very little time to recuperate. Markle’s getting overwhelmed as a result, grunting as she takes another hit directly to her nostrils, then her body lurching forward as Lopilato switches to more bangin’ swings at her gut. Things aren’t looking too good in paradise as it’s Meghan’s turn to get pushed back into the ropes, Luisa keeping up the pace and going to town on the helpless woman, at one point bashing and bashing away at Markle’s flailing arms, till one of those hooks actually connects square with the side of her royal highness’ face, sending Markle SPIRALING down into a mess heap by the ropes, where she jolly well stays this time! Luisa lets out a roar of victory as she scores her own KNOCKDOWN of the evening, but Markle’s OUT COLD like the end of the Summer solstice! Referee hovers nearby and concurs, waving his arms over the Duchess’ faced-down form! It’s all OVER!!

Official Decision: Luisana Lopilato defeats Meghan Markle via KO6!

AFTER:
Certainly not the most important win of Luisana’s career, but for now, every victory is savoured by the B-listed Vixen, who’s always had trouble pulling herself out of the dirt and ahead of the rest of the pack. Here, tonight, hopefully she’s convinced the pundits of her stopping power, but from the way the blonde’s seen celebrating in her own corner, her arms wrapped around Co-Head Trainer Corey Saucier and a big kiss planted on his cheek, Luisa seems convinced of her own ability, and that’s enough for now.

Meanwhile, Markle’s left breathing hard by the ropes, her back sat up to clear her head, dark long lashes fluttering wildly. She’s pushing Cougar territory indeed, and some would say this immediate return to the ring after all the drama of 2020 was ill-timed and ill-prepared. Meghan at least accepts Luisa’s hand when the Vixen comes over to check on her later, and the two ladies share a well-informed hug in the center of the ring before patting each other on the back as encouragement for this uncertain future.