Packed house at the iconic Black Rose in Boston! After all, it IS Saint Patrick’s Day … and local heroes the Dropkick Murphys are playing … and to top it all off … Jenny McCarthy vs. Kate Upton … bare knuckles!!! In addition to bar regulars and Boston’s biggest names … Ben Affleck, Denis Leary, Maria Menounos, Matt Damon, … the biggest names in the FCBA are out in force … Tess Valmore, Miss Ginny and Chimera’s Jennifer Lawrence, Poindexter Del Crunchy and the Grand Wizard himself with a strong contingent from Front Street in Philadelphia. In fact, fan’s got a little appetizer when Front Street’s Neve Campbell one shotted a lippy waitress - causing the Grand Wizard to huddle with the pub owner and offer “Look … she swung on Neve first, right? Your own people saw it … just send me the kid’s dental bill and it’ll all be taken care of”.

At the bar (as far as possible from the Front Street tables at the proprietor's insistence), Jenny Mac warming up for the upcoming war .. by hoisting another shot of Jamesons with the boys. Adrianne Palicki, fretting to Scrubby McGee - of all people!), “Mister McGee … uhmmm … should Jenny be drinking that much? I mean … she has a fight and I think that makes four … or five whiskeys … and a couple of those black beers … I think she’s, you know … drunk?!!”


“Don’ worry, Addie … she’s jus’ gettin’ ready is all … gettin’ her blood up!”


Crowd pressed back to form a loose human circle in the middle of the bar room - no cables and canvas for this type event - and roar from the revelers as the owner steps front and center with a microphone.


“On behalf of The Black Rose bar in beautiful Boston, Massachusetts, I wish you all a happy St. Paddy’s Day! And now … without further ado … allow me to introduce the contestants for out featured event … introducing first … from St. Joseph, Michigan … she stand five feet ten inches tall and weighs in at a ready 139 pounds … she is the former Queen of the Ice Hotel … multiple times JMDD champion … and the four time and REIGNING FCBA WELTERWEIGHT CHAMPION … THE QUEEN OF THE FCBA… KATE UPTON!!!”


Sound system erupts into “Five Seconds of Summer” and Kate presses through the crowd, accompanied by Cat Bell and Nichole Kidman … as sound system blares, “She's a Killer Queen … Gunpowder, gelatine … dynamite with a laser beam … guaranteed to blow your mind … Anytime!”. The “Queen” is killing it in black yoga pants, sports bra, and trainers … most of the crowd are McCarthy fans but Upton gets riotous applause based on looks alone.


Owner signals for quiet but crowd now buzzing! “And her opponent … a fighting daughter of County Longford by way of Chicago, Illinois … she is five feet seven inches tall and weighs in at a trim 117 pounds … she is the former FCBA bantamweight champion … JENNY ‘MAC THE KNIFE’ McCARTHY!!!” And the sound system hums with a slapping base ... then Bobby Darin croons "Oh, the shark, babe ... has such teeth, dear ... and he shows them ... pearly white ..."

“Former champ? Yeah … a decade ago!”, Neve Campbell snickers to Pointy and the Wiz.


“And she’s got to be pushing 130 herself with all that beer she’s put away!” chimes in Cassie Scerbo.


Jenny Mac downs her glass and leaves bar to wild applause. Upton a little startled by McCarthy attire … jeans, flannel shirt knotted under beasts, scally cap and bridgeman boots … Kate did not get the “come as you are” memo!


“Gotta give it to her … she STILL has a lot of fans!” offers Tess Valmore, guest at the Front Street table.


“Yes … yes she does …” chuckles the Wiz, “Fans … as in fanatics … people who’ll bet even money on a woman with a record barely over .500 … even when she’s fighting someone who’s three inches taller … 20 pounds heavier … 20 years younger … and who’s ticket to the Hall of Fame is already punched? So drink up people … I got a hunch the ol’ Wiz is makin’ some money tonight!”


Fighters to center ring as owner goes over rules (such as they are), “.. no gouging … no fish hooks … keep the holding down … no kicks ..no hitting when other is on the ground …” Upton eyes locked cooly with McCarthy … who returns stare with the addition of a smirk! Fighter’s back to their seconds on the edge of the human circle. Scrubby whispering into Jenny’s ear, “Get off first, Jenny girl … right hand … knock her thoughts out! Here take dis …” and another slug of Jamesons (to Palicki’s abject horror!) and at a signal from the owner, the Dropkick Murphys tear into “Drink and Fight” and it is on!


Round 1: J-Mac races forward and heaves big right hand … which Upton slips (!) … and McCarthy stumbles the full distance of the floor … crashing into a table and upsetting a fresh round of drinks! “Hey … you gonna pay for those?”, asks one of the patrons. Recognizing the voice, Jenny squints, “You? The Weirdo? Who the hell let you in?”. Jenny makes to return to her opponent, pauses and turns once more “And don’t you eyeball me, Campbell, or I’ll be back over here after I finish with this tramp!”


Thankfully remembering she already HAS a fight, Jenny back at Kate … who startles the blonde with a snapping jab … and another … and another … Jenny’s head bouncing back like a pez dispenser! Mac clinches and the women wrestle … this is favoring the much younger, bigger Upton. McCarthy trying to free right hand to dig to ribs but Upton pushes off. Upton feigns jab and draws a flinch, then hammers older fighter with a straight right hand to the jaw that spins her in a half circle. Jenny trying to locate foe … gets tap on shoulder and another hard right. Staggers two steps back and when Upton closes, Kate startled with a wild uppercut that rings up her chin!


“Still some fight in the old girl” Poindexter Del Crunchy offers, nodding.


Miss Ginny roars from the bar, “Kick her ass, Mac!”


Kate backs off and shakes head to clear cob webs. McCarthy grinning savagely lunges forward with left hook. Model snakes long neck back to avoid punch and slings back with straight right hand to the Playmate chin … and another … and another! McCarthy reeling … hurt badly … when bell rings to end round.


Miss Ginny, with approval, “Knock that blonde b*tch out, Katey-girl!”


Cassie Scerbo, “Well, Miss Ginny’s covered whoever wins!”


The band getting the crowd wild and riled (as if they needed more fuel!) as they tear into it ...





Well I stumble and toy around; I’m drunk and full of smoke



My wife tells me I’ve had enough and said I’m sick get out



So I stumble down to Kelly’s Pub across the edge of town



And I told the boys me story and we have another round





Round 2: Scrubby in corner, telling McCarthy, “Jenny girl … there’s no law against AVOIDIN’ one of her punches now and den … just keep it in mind, ok?”. Palicki has located the rest of the Sceej girls - deep in their cups - and has wrestled Nolin away from Munn and Lawley. “Gena … you need to stop this! Jenny’s too drunk to fight!”. Nolin squints … arches an eyebrow … and turns to Palicki “Nah … she’s good, kid!”


Cat Bell to Kate in corner, “Don’t play games with her. This type fight is too unpredictable and its what she knows best. Finish this skank and let’s get back to the hotel and civilization! There’s a bottle of champagne on ice!”


Fighters out .. Upton beaming … finding smaller woman with the jab and then bouncing back to avoid counters. McCarthy defiantly drawing line with toe of boot and beckoning younger woman to ‘toe the line”; Upton smiling sweetly and shaking head “nuh-uh” as she circles. Mac stalks … throws left to body but catches only elbow and then clinches. Kate’s greater size and strength allowing her to control clinch until … Jenny stomps down hard with bridgemans boot on Kate’s light training shoe! “Owwwww … “ bellows Kate, disengaging and hobbling back .. and taking a looping right hand to the temple! Lookout corner screaming blue murder for a foul while McCarthy follows up with a left right to the body. Upton takes it like a stoic and hammers back with her own left to the body that draws a grunt from the Playmate. Kate looking to end it with straight right but McCarthy gets under it and clinches. Kate with right hand free pounds side of blonde noggin … then a shriek of pain and Kate again disengages.


“SHE BIT ME!!!” Kate screeches, pointing to bicep! “I DID NOT, YOU DIRTY LIAR!” exclaims an outraged Jenny Mac! (Is that blood on her teeth and lips?)

When Upton turns to plead case to referee, she takes a hard right to the back of the head from Jenny Mac which sends her reeling. Jenny snarling in pursuit, looking to finish this thing … Kate Upton whirls and blindly throws left … and catches Mac flush and puts a shimmy in her knee. Bell rings to end a rambunctious second round … most ringsiders give Jenny a slight edge - no thought even given to deducting a point - and no one thinks this is going to a decision anyway!





Dropkick Murphy’s still rocking the room!





We’ll drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and fight,



We’ll drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and fight,



And if I see a pretty girl I’ll sleep with her tonight?



We’ll drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and FIGHT





Round 3: The Queen is not amused! Upton seething in corner, all “So that’s how she wants it?” and “It is on, now, b*tch!”. In Sceej corner, Jenny Mac sipping carefully from a Guinness, Scrubby offering advice but words too slurred to understand.


The Queen dominates … bell to bell … and McCarthy likely regretting the fouls that brought Kate’s royal wrath upon her! Left right … left right … classic one-two combinations have J-Mac’s head looking like a bobble head. Blonde is driven back … and back … til her back hits the bar! Reaching back, her hand grasps something … the handle of a beer mug? Playmate swings desperately with the glass mug. The champion pulls back … karate chops the wrist and the mug falls and shatters on the wooden floor. Kate shoves Jenny back into bar rail


... and KATE WANTS RACK!!! The Queen letting her hands go … left right … left right … left fight … blinding hand speed just pummeling Playmate puppies! Crowd loyalty to Jenny gives way to jug lust and cheers building … and positively ERUPT when the top knot gives way and the twin talents that have made Mac’s career make an unscheduled appearance! Impulsively, Upton grabs a sleeve and tugs hard … spinning Jenny like a top and whipping off the shirt - which Upton tosses it to wild crowd where it is claimed by a young banker … UNTIL he is conked over the head by a beer mug wielded by Jennifer Lawrence .. who then delivers the shirt to a beaming Miss Ginny!


The fight for Mac’s shirt resolved, the fight for her survival continues! Upton now toying with her .. pot-shotting her and avoiding slow receipts … even as Bell and Kidman scream for her to finish! Bell rings with Jenny wandering aimlessly … Palicki into circle to gather her up and bring her back to corner.





While the Dropkick Murphy’s wail …





Well I once loved a girl, A child untold



I gave her my heart and she gave me a cold



So now I sit standing here out in the pouring rain



I’ll stumble down to Kelly’s Pub and cry away my pain





Round 4: Palicki telling McCarthy she’s going to stop it - Jenny adamant “I got her right where I want her!”. McGee has revived and asks “What round is dis?”. On hearing the fourth, Palicki overruled - Jenny’s good to go. McGee offers a sip from the bottle, a pat on the ass, and a whispered “Go get her!” Still topless, Jenny heads out for the fourth!


Pointy “McGee thinks McCarthy is good to go?”



Neve Campbell retorts, “Yeah … to the intensive care unit … and then to the retirement home!”


McCarthy and Upton center ring … trade of jabs … Jenny seems to be getting a second wind and Kate maybe a little punched out from last round. Jenny feints jab and tunes Kate up with right hand lead then guts her with left uppercut to sternum. Kate sags … looks to clinch … Jenny won’t have it … works hands free and lets them go! Left right left to body - head and back to body. Upton responds! Right hand to ear … left uppercut stands Mac up straight! J-Mac wont back down … left hook to Upton jaw. Back and forth action has crowd on its feet … McCarthy with hook to ribs … another to ribs … McCarthy throwing caution to the wind and letting hands fly … jugs are jumbling and bouncing … she’s burning ALL of those 47 year old reserves to go for the finish … then Upton backs her off with solid right hand to temple.


Palicki “Come on, Jenny, you’re doing great!!!”


McGee, ruefully “That’s it … that was her last shot.”


As he shakes his head, Kate Upton is backing Mac up with the jab, Jenny tired … having trouble holding ground. Kate smiling grim … sensing the weakness … the slow response from the older fighter. Flurries left right left right to the midsection to soften her up and bend her over .. then picture perfect left uppercut to chin. Crowd roaring .. sensing this one’s near the end. Jenny staring .. occasionally pawing with the left hand .. out on her feet.


Hard hearted Kate extends two fingers from left hand and places them lightly under dazed bare chested blonde’s chin. “Raise your chin … that’s a good girl … raise your chin … good girl! Now say ‘good night’, Jenny … c’mon … ‘good night’ Jenny …”


McCarthy mumbles mindlessly “Good night Jenny …”


Kate Upton kisses her right fist theatrically and plants a thundering right hand on McCarthy’s jaw … knocking her clean off her feet … the blonde lands in a heap with her face kissing the floor and her ass in the air! Crowd counts along with referee “ … 7 … 8 … 9 … 10 … yer out!”.





Winner by knockout in the fourth round - Kate ‘The Queen’ Upton!





Sceej corner collects up rag dolled McCarthy to drag her to table and revive her with more liquor. Palicki and Upton exchange hard looks. “Something on your mind, champ?” chirps Upton, “Oh … excuse me … something on your mind, ex-champ?”


Palicki teary eyed but enraged, “There was no call for that … that woman is a legend!”. Adrianne Palicki has never quite gotten over the kid sister awe of Jenny, even though she has long surpassed her as a fighter.


“I do like I please … unless you wanna try to do something about it? Seems the ring’s free early? Steppin’ up? Hmmmm?”


And just when it looks like it might boil over, there’s the Grand Wizard, clapping Kate Upton’s back and defusing the situation.


“Classic fight .. classic!” he beams, “Look … you and your crew from Lookout? You’re on my tab tonight! I insist. Order anything you want, as long as you want. I (heh heh) cashed a few bets tonight and I’m pretty flush!”


Just then, Miss Ginny steps up with McCarthy’s flannel shirt … and a sharpie?


“Wondered if you’d autograph it?” she chuckles as the Dropkick Murphy’s close the show!





We’ll drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and fight,



We’ll drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and fight,



And if I see a pretty girl I’ll sleep with her tonight



We’ll drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and FIGHT!





SLAINTE!