BEFORE:

"You know, I hate almost ALL of these Dancing Hookers, but, I hate Mudd at little lesser than some of them and more than others. In fact, its a middle kind of hate, but hate nevertheless. And, tonight, I'm going to, maybe, be thinking about someone like Dennings or Hill or McMann or Campbell when I smash Mudd's face in...or maybe I'll be thinking about Mudd...or maybe Kate Beckinsale. Yeah. Beckinsale. I'll be thinking about...NEVERMIND! I'm going to knock the Dancing Hooker OUT!"

"See, the thing is," says Sophie with a smile, "I actually have RESPECT for Jenny McCarthy. She was around when the FCBA STARTED back in 1999. She was doing beach fights almost two decades ago. She's always been up for JMD. Her bar brawls were the precursor of bare-knuckle fights. You literally can NOT tell the story of the FCBA or where it is or where it's going WITHOUT Jenny McCarthy. Problem is, she was FIGHTING IN 1999! When Jenny had her first FCBA fight, I was NINE MONTHS OLD! She's literally old enough to be my GRANDMOTHER. She's not winning this fight. I can only hope she doesn't break a hip!"

ROUND ONE:

O'Dell: "Back at ringside and we are joined by Alison Brie..."

Alison: "Glad to be back with all of you..."

Oh the shark, babe

Has such teeth, dear

O'Dell: "And, that's Frank Sinatra you hear behind us, singing his version of 'Mack The Knife'..."

Cassie: "Since, you know, Uncle Wiz OWNS the more-famous Bobby Darin version..."

Tess: "Much to Mac's chagrin. And, yes, you can BE chagrinned without knowing what 'chagrinned' means..."

O'Dell: "AHEM. And, that can only mean that our colleague, Jenny 'Mac The Knife' McCarthy is on her way to the ring..."

Alison: "And, Jenny wasting no time charging down the aisle and into the ring..."

O'Dell: "She's helped off with the robe by the Sceej corner crew to reveal that red number we've seen before...and that's 'Hotter Than Hell' by Dua Lipa you hear hammering through the arena, and here comes 'Sultry' Sophie Mudd!"

Cassie: "Sophie one of three girls in their 'junior' years at Front Street and all five looking to take big steps forward this year..."

Alison: "And, that needs to start here for Sophie."

O'Dell: "Mudd into the ring and helped off with the robe by Jewel and Neve to reveal that Egyptian blue number she likes, and the ladies are about ready to go. Time for some picks. Tess likes Sophie and Mac has left us a note that says, 'She will be mine by three..."

Tess: "She still doesn't get the Ali rhyming thing..."

O'Dell: "Cassie?"

Cassie: "I agree with Tess!"

O'Dell: "There's the bell and Mac all OVER Mudd immediately! She's buzz sawing the brunette back into the ropes, winging away with both hands, looking to end this thing early! Sophie playing defense here, definitely taken aback by all this early aggression, and she's not just taken aback, she's taking a THUMPING..."

Cassie: "No doubt about it..."

O'Dell: "SHARP combination by McCarthy snaps back Sophie's head. Mudd clinching now, and J-Mac shoves her off, goes right back to work. Blonde will never admit it, but, she may well be thinking that, at 49, things are not going to go better for her as the fight goes on..."

Tess: "I suspect that's EXACTLY what she's thinking..."

O'Dell: "We're down under twenty seconds to go in what's been an a great first round for Mac. Mudd with a nice counter there and slips off the ropes. Mac right back at her, forcing Sophie to back and cover and there's the bell. No doubt about it in the first. Mac and wide."

Tess: "And McCarthy leads 10-9."

ROUND TWO:

O'Dell: "Mac pressing to start the second, but Sophie not having it now. Brunette banging right back and HERE WE GO! FIREFIGHT in the middle of the ring with blonde and brunette simply HAVING AT one another in there, landing BIG shot after big shot with no one backing up an inch..."

Tess: "Well, we all HEARD what Neve said to Mudd in the corner during the break..."

Cassie: "And, I almost wish Neve HAD put on the gloves herself..."

O'Dell: "Sophie doing a decent Neve Campbell impression at the moment, digging some body and Mac responds in kind and NOW MAC GOES RACK! And Mudd answers and it's an absolute BRAWL in there right now, with both fighters hammering away at one another..."

Alison: "Kind of starting to LOOK like a Campbell/McCarthy fight..."

O'Dell: "We're coming down the stretch and obody giving an inch. Ladies just SAVAGING one another in there. McCarthy a SOLID combination and Mudd backs up J-Mac with a NASTY one-two and there's the bell! And J-Mac BARKING at Sophie and Neve and anybody else she can think to bark at. Close. But, Mudd."

Cassie: "And, we're even at 19."

ROUND THREE:

O'Dell: "Ladies right back at one another to start the third and MUDD backs Mac up with a BIG combination and then NAILS her with another HARD one-two. Mudd throwing the blonde onto the defensive now. J-Mac's corner shouting for her to move, but, being J-Mac..."

Tess: "She's listening to nothing and acting stupid..."

Cassie: ""Acting?'"

Tess: "Good point, BFF..."

O'Dell: "Mudd is ACTING like she's taking control of this fight. She's backing McCarthy up consistently now, as J-Mac continues to try to hold canvas, but can't manage to do it as the brunette brings that above-weight power of hers to bear. GOOD right by Sophie and that may have shaken McCarthy!"

Alison: "If Mac isn't careful, this is going to get UGLY..."

O'Dell: "This round is going to be ugly for Mac on the cards, that's for sure. We're down to fifteen seconds to go, and the brunette's been in control the whole way. ANOTHER good combination Sophie and Mac is backed up yet again and there's the bell. Not close. Mudd."

Tess: "And, Sophie moves into the 29-28 lead."

ROUND FOUR:

O'Dell: "Fourth begins with Mac on her toes! Blonde moving now, bouncing around, snapping out that jab, stopping to pop, then getting back in motion, and, give her credit, 49 or no, she can still move very, very well in there when she wants to, and that's exactly what she's doing now."

Alison: "Mudd working the feet as well, looking to square up and get off in combination..."

O'Dell: "And, she's managing to do that in spots. At other times, it's Mac roaming around the ring, stopping, popping, sometimes even bouncing forward for a quick flurry, then getting back on her bicycle. Mudd resolute. She's not looking to cut and close, more to, as Alison said, square up."

Tess: "Mudd making excellent use of the jab."

O'Dell: "Sure is, and she's hooking or crossing off of it, scoring points. Mac, meanwhile, building up points of her own on the move. She stops and lets a five-punch flurry go and the crowd pops as McCarthy dances away smiling and there's the bell. Close this time. J-Mac."

Cassie: "And, we're even again, this time at 38."

ROUND FIVE:

O'Dell: "Back at it in the fifth and the pattern may be set. It's Mac on the move, circling, jabbing, while Mudd works the feet, tries to square and get off in combination. McCarthy stops and pops, then gets right back on her toes and begins bouncing around the ring again..."

Cassie: "Fair to ask how long a 49-year-old fighter can do this. But, at the moment..."

O'Dell: "At the moment, McCarthy is fighting very well and very effectively. Mudd landing a jab, following with a hard right hand and J-MAC STAGGERS HER WITH A HARD FLURRY AND DOWN GOES MUDD AFTER A RIGHT HOOK! Sophie dropped to her back! Mac to a neutral corner where she does the Ali shuffle!'

Tess: "If this girl doesn't get up, she's going to be IMPOSSIBLE to live with..."

O'Dell: "Referee's count at three. Four. Five. Mudd sitting up at six. Seven. Sophie to her feet at eight. Ref gives her the mandatory...and ON COMES MAC! McCarthy back to that buzz saw. She's firing away with everything she's got, hammering head, body, and rack, pummeling Mudd back into the ropes. Twenty seconds to go. Sophie in a high guard. Mac banging away looking to end this thing. Not going to happen. Final seconds ticking away and there's the bell. Sophie still standing. But, Mac takes it 10-8!"

Alison: "And now leads 48-46 at the half."

ROUND SIX:

O'Dell: "McCarthy right across the ring to start the sixth. She's looking to finish this thing now, as she hammers away at Mudd. Sophie giving ground, keeping the guard high, playing defense and ROCKING MAC WITH A RIGHT HAND COUNTER! Mudd keyholes a counter and McCarthy is steppin' in fence post holes!"

Alison: "And, Neve SCREAMING at Sophie to finish this NOW!"

O'Dell: "And Mudd clearly hearing her corner. She's walking Mac down behind that left hand, dropping in hard rights, looking for the 'off' switch. Sophie sitting down on everything and SHE DROPS MCCARTHY WITH A STRAIGHT RIGHT HAND! What a SHOT!"

Tess: "That might DO it!"

O'Dell: "Sophie to a neutral corner. Mac down on her back. Count at three. Four. Five. McCarthy rolls to her belly at six. Seven. Mac pushes to all fours. Eight. Nine. J-Mac to her feet! She beats the count. Ref gives her the mandatory and WAVES ON SOPHIE! Mudd firing everything in the arsenal now! She backs the blonde into the ropes, ignores the on-sale body, hammers away upstairs. Mac sent stumbling along the ropes with a right hook, and her legs wobble after a straight right splits the gloves and IT'S OVER! Referee leaps in and waves it off and it's OVER! And your winner by KO6 is 'Sultry' Sophie Mudd!"

Cassie: "And, Mac is absolutely APOPLECTIC in there!"

Tess: "Which proves you can BE apoplectic without knowing what it means or how to spell it..."

AFTER:

O'Dell: 'Let's go up to the ring and Tess Valmore!"

Tess: "I have our winner, Sophie Mudd and..."

McCarthy: "THIS IS A TRAGEDY OF JUSTICE! DON'T YOU WALMART HER INTERVIEW! SHE DIDN'T FIGHT THIS WIN! I WAS ROBBED!"

Tess: "Mac, calm down..."

McCarthy: "I REFUSE TO DOWN CALM! THAT HOME REF TOWN STOLE THIS FIGHT FROM ME! I HAD her and he STOLE IT FROM ME! I RECOUNT A DEMAND! LAWYER, CALL MY SIRI!"

Mudd: "Tess, maybe we should..."

McCarthy: "SHUT UP, CAMPBELL! I'LL DEAL WITH YOU LATER! I INVESTIGATION A DEMAND! WEIRDO PAID OFF THAT REF! I'LL SUE! I'LL SUE!"

"Battlefield Earth VII: Revenge of The Earth"

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