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24 June 2012 Gwyneth Paltrow vs Kesha

Page history last edited by Archer844 11 years, 9 months ago

SITE: THE AYSLUM ARENA. PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA

Posted by Results By Sim/Words By Wiz on June 24, 2012, 9:13 pm

BEFORE:

"I guess 'Six Feet Of Sexy' spent a little too much time partying and not enough time studying," says a smiling Ke$ha. "Looks like I failed Paltrow 101 and Wiz is going to make me retake the class. Well, THIS time, I plan to knock it out and move on."

"Sure, Ke$ha hits hard," says a smirking Gwyneth. "Well, so does Brian Urlacher, and HE doesn't have any boxing skill, either."

ROUND ONE:

O'Dell: "Back at ringside, and..."

McCarthy: "Paltrow needs to watch her big mouth!"

O'Dell: "Calm down, Mac. We have a a big show tonight..."

McCarthy: "I will SMACK the ugly right off her face..."

Tess: "Oooh, look, the camera is panning the crowd and there are Danielle Fishel and Rachel McAdams from Foxfire up in Beth Harnois' box. Both, of course, under contract for a possible title fight tonight...even though Dani's not in the Top 25 right now. She, of course, was at the time the contracts were signed..."

O'Dell: "And speaking of Beth, there she is over in the owner's box with one of two people who actually know which of the 25 eligible ladies will be fighting for the straps tonight, The Grand Wizard of Boxing."

Tess: "The other, of course, being the champion, Neve Campbell."

McCarthy: "Why does Harnois HAVE a box when she's always in HIS?"

Tess: "Same reason she has her own helicopter, plane, and indoor pool. She's dating Wiz..."

McCarthy: "Which is why she also has her own psychiatrist..."

O'Dell: "And that's 'Tik-Tok' booming over the speakers, and here comes Ke$ha. Give the kid credit, if she's feeling any pressure, she's not showing it. Bouncing down to ringside, climbing in, helped off with the robe by Jewel and Mariska. Wearing that black number she favors."

McCarthy: "I said this last month, and I'll say it again, Paltrow might be the only woman this girl can beat in a disrobe..."

O'Dell: "And, speaking of the Oscar winner, that's 'This Woman's Work' you hear, and here comes Gwyneth..."

McCarthy: "YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND, BEAN POLE OR..."

Hudson Hawk vs. Howard The Duck

Judd Nelson
Tracy Nelson
Azumah Nelson
Olaf Frederick Nelson

O'Dell: "...Freaking TITLE FIGHT..."

Tess: "We're back, and Paltrow into the ring. Helped off with the robe to reveal the deep blue bikini she wore last time out..."

McCarthy(mumbling): "Looks like a freaking Q-tip..."

O'Dell: "And, we're about to get underway. Tess is on record favoring Ke$ha. Can we get a pick, Mac?"

McCarthy: "Ke$ha is going to knock this overrated, ugly toothpick OUT."

O'Dell: "And, look at this! Paltrow doing a little taunting before the round! Pointing at Ke$ha, then at her chin and smiling..."

Tess: "And Ke$ha isn't finding it funny."

McCarthy: "And she's wasting no time going right after Paltrow. Swinging away, looking for something big immediately. Paltrow moving, ducking and countering..."

McCarthy: "Same mistake Ke$ha made last time! Sloppy, wild stuff! Don't they TEACH this kid anything at Front Street?"

Tess: "I've BEEN to Front Street and I can testify that they DO teach her. But, Big K can be stubborn and overly aggressive in the ring...and I think Paltrow's little psychological game may be paying off..."

O'Dell: "And Gwyneth is taking full advantage landing nice, clean counters in response to Ke$ha's wild bombs. Good right hands. Landing flush."

McCarthy: "Paltrow's fighting ALL counter. Waiting on Ke$ha and exploiting the openings those big swings are creating."

O'Dell: "Gwyneth a BIG right hand that ROCKS Ke$ha! The bigger girl covering up now as Paltrow goes to work, putting punches together, scoring with nice combinations."

McCarthy: "Paltrow's got the kid hurt. She's looking for the finisher, Jenny..."

O'Dell: "Finding the mark with both hands, backing Ke$ha up, scoring almost at will as the bell rings ending the first. Excellent start for Gwyneth."

ROUND TWO:

Tess: "Ke$ha got a talking to between rounds from Mariska and Jewel, Jenny..."

McCarthy: "Neither of those two know what they're doing. I used to think Hargitay did, until she starting hanging out with The Weirdo."

O'Dell: "Paltrow smiling at Ke$ha and bobbing the head as the bell rings and that talk's out the window! Ke$ha right after Gwyneth, chasing her around the ring, loading up the big left and letting fly.."

McCarthy: "And playing right into Paltrow's hands. Gwyneth picking this kid APART off the counter."

O'Dell: "Ke$ha winging lefty, but she's wild, not in any kind of position...Paltrow able to dodge and duck, find spots for counter right hands."

McCarthy: "This is bar room stuff from Ke$ha..."

Tess: "Maybe you could sign to fight her on St. Patrick's Day..."

McCarthy: "What's THAT supposed to mean, Walmart?"

O'Dell: "Let's concentrate on the action in the ring. Paltrow patient. Moving left, away from Ke$ha's big right hand, waiting, STRIKING with a right off the counter. Ke$ha unable to find the range..."

McCarthy: "How many rights has this kid thrown? I'm not sure if she's thrown ANY! She's got to work the left off the right hand!"

O'Dell: "Maybe next round, Mac. That's the bell to end the second and Paltrow bounces back to her corner smiling, having taken a second straight."

Tess: "20-18 through two."

ROUND THREE:

O'Dell: "Getting ready for the third and...Paltrow sticking out her chin in the corner...like the matador waiving the cape at the bull..."

Tess: "She wouldn't be pulling this stuff if Neve were in the corner..."

O'Dell: "But she isn't. She's in the dressing room waiting for a title defense against an as-yet-unknown opponent as the bell rings for the third. And Ke$ha more than willing to play bull to Gwyneth's matador. The big blonde again after Paltrow with that big left hand, but Gwynnie's got her timed and out of position. Paltrow dodging, ducking, now countering with the left-right."

McCarthy: "Ke$ha can't get the distance she wants. Paltrow's either out of range or in too close. Of course, you can GET that distance with an effective jab...but first you've got to THROW one..."

O'Dell: "And she HEARD you, Mac! Ke$ha pumps home a double-pop right and hooks body with a left."

McCarthy: "Paltrow countering, but Big K back to the right hand..."

Tess: "The Front Street jab. Torv. Arterton. Sobieski. Ruah. Decker. They've all got it. Ke$ha's is just with the opposite hand."

O'Dell: "Nice right-left Ke$ha! Paltrow a right. Ke$ha another straight right at the bell! Close one, ladies..."

Tess: "Not sure what the judges saw there, but I've got it even."

McCarthy: "Keep hanging around with ME, Walmart. You're learning. 30-28 Paltrow."

ROUND FOUR:

O'Dell: "Getting ready for number four. And, there's a crowd shot, and look who's here. Poppy Montgomery. She's also under contract tonight..."

McCarthy: "Montgomery is a HAS-BEEN! Her show got cancelled. Just like I cancelled HER the last time we fought!"

O'Dell: "Be that as it may, she's in the running for a title fight. But, back to the action now as the bell rings for round four and PALTROW off quickly! Lands a nice combination and follows with another flurry, forcing Ke$ha to the defensive..."

McCarthy: "Nice tactical change by Paltrow. Got Ke$ha off balance with it. Boxing lead after spending three rounds in counter..."

Tess: "Mac, tell me if I'm wrong, but all Paltrow HAS here is experience and the mental game. Ke$ha is bigger, stronger, quicker, younger, hits a LOT harder. Physically, Ke$ha's dominant. For Paltrow to win like she did last time, she's got to outsmart Ke$ha and win the chess game..."

McCarthy: "Which isn't exactly as hard as winning a chess game against Eddie Fisher..."

Tess: "Aaannndd, for those of you who have 'J-Mac mistakes Carrie Fisher's dad for the greatest chess player who ever lived' on your J-Mac Bingo cards, mark your square..."

O'Dell(sighing): "Hello, YouTube! We've missed you! And, speaking of missing, that's what Big K's doing right now. Paltrow has her off balance again. Forcing the pace, fighting off her front foot, controlling Ke$ha, not hurting her but scoring and pre-empting the younger girl's offense."

McCarthy: "Definitely winning the chess match."

O'Dell: "That's the bell, and another strong round for Paltrow."

Tess: "40-37 Gwyneth through four."

ROUND FIVE:

O'Dell: "Into the fifth now, and Ke$ha getting off first this time. Sticking Paltrow with the right hand."

McCarthy: "Kid has a nice jab. Just needs to be patient and use it. That comes with experience."

O'Dell: "The kid finally settling down, it looks like. Using the right to set up lefts to the body. Paltrow showing angles now, back to fighting counter. Scoring some points that way. Fading back and left, away from the big left hand."

McCarthy: "Smart stuff by Paltrow. Doesn't want to stand in front of Ke$ha. The kid's finding the range with that right hand. She doesn't want be there when the left comes in behind it."

O'Dell: "Ke$ha gaining control down the stretch here. Effective with the right. Able to put punches together. Scoring points as the bell rings."

Tess: "Ke$ha just got her first round, Mac."

McCarthy: "49-47 through five."

ROUND SIX:

O'Dell: "On to the sixth and Paltrow back to boxing lead. Going after Ke$ha, who fires right back with a flurry of her own."

McCarthy: "Not a bad idea for Paltrow to give battle here. Ke$ha was getting on a roll at the end of the last round. Can't let Big K take control."

O'Dell: "Paltrow with a nice flurry. Landed a couple of good shots. Ke$ha fires right back with a right left. The two blondes going back and forth and both scoring."

McCarthy: "Give her credit. Paltrow not willing to cede the initiative. Just has to be careful of..."

O'Dell: "THE HAMMER OF THOR! AND PALTROW RAGDOLLS TO HER BACK!"

McCarthy: "You aren't going to need to count, ref. You'll be able to time Paltrow getting off the mat with a sundial..."

O'Dell: "Six. Seven. Paltrow not moving at all! Nine! Ten! It's over! The winner by KO6 is Ke$ha!"

McCarthy: "Let's check the replay on the left hand. Ke$ha lands a right hook to the left side of Paltrow's head. Unbalances her to her right just a bit. And BOOM! There's the overhand left. Flush on the cheek. Check the head swivel. Gwyneth just flops bonelessly to the canvas. And that's where she still is as they try and bring her around. I think I heard someone ask what city she was in and she said 'Wednesday'."

AFTER:

O'Dell: "Let's go to the ring and Tess Valmore!"

Tess: "I have our winner, Ke$ha, and I'm guessing Wiz is going to give you a passing grade in Paltrow 101 this time around..."

Ke$ha(smiling): "Well, I may have struggled a little with some early quizzes, but I sure aced the F**K out of the final."