Posted by Simguy on 2/2/2007, 5:54 am.

Before: Recent Vergara photoshoot has her striking poses, sporting CZJ hair, and showing CZJ attitude--doesn’t take long before the “Catherine Zeta Jones of Colombia” receives invitation to compete with the Real McCoy. Image-conscious Brit looks to sharply rebuke upstart Latina, but as one Celebrity ring columnist points out: “Sofia can really crack. Jones’ performance can tail off against strong women who are willing to press her, and Sofia is exactly that kind of willful opponent.” CZJ in black push up and panties; Sofia in photoshoot brown bikini with muted-tone floral embossing. Entertaining staredown as haughty, gypsy-eyed temptresses stand hands on hips: Sofia smirking at the Zeta-Jones attempt to look bossy in the chest through use of the push up; CZJ blushing crimson, eyes blazing in response to the jug-smugness of her hulking foe.

During R1: Jones nimble--right hand at her cheek, eyes wide as she double-pumps jabs, scoots to the right: in and out tap-stepping from Jones early. Sofia baring her teeth, swinging away--not a lot of clean connects, but Vergara willing to pitch from the hips, sweeping scary power punches onto Catherine and scattering the Brit in retreat. Jones showing leg, scampering a bit--she gives away the first while measuring the heft of Sofia’s shot.

R2: Jones settles down: she’s much the classier fighter--you can see the confidence in her feet, relaxed crouch. Pre-emptive jabs have Sofia sputtering, swinging late, Jones correctly reading her foe’s wide punches--slipping inside them, letting them wrap around her head or shoulders while simultaneously burying short, gutting punches to Sofia’s decadent body. Good head movement from Jones--she has Vergara missing over the top--CZJ able to sidestep, choose the time and place of each engagement, Late the round, Jones slipping under Sofia’s booming right: Catherine hooks the body, then the head--tight, tight delivery putting Vergara wobbly butt. Just enough time left on the clock for Jones to quick-step left; fit a stuffing right hand into Sofia’s trunks, then pump-pump those hulking Colombian hooters a clipping left/right uppercut combo at the bell. Jones prancing to her corner--Vergara scowling, limping--outclassed and shook up in the second.

R3: Jones with that tell-tale predatory smirk: she’s a little quicker by virtue of her technique being more compact; defense is much better; timing and ring generalship is far superior to her buxom foe. When she leads, Catherine starts with the crisp double-jab, then leans in to drop the short right--usually bang on the button/ When she counters, Jones slips in under Sofia’s winging lefts and rights, deposits a thick body shot, then cleans up jugg with shrugging shoulder action. Vergara on her heels a bit, getting beaten to punches and harmed by clean connects--Colombian lass shows curvy resilience, soaking up some of Jones’ best leather as CZJ pitches a shutout.

R4: Sofia regroups on her stool, shakes off punishment, comes out winging: Jones a little unnerved at her foe’s buxom resolve to cave in British chin. CZJ on the move this round, using the ring, feinting and getting away from Vergara, exposing Sofia’s footwork in the process--but Colombian pressure can’t be denied. Not a lot of hot contact as Jones refuses battle and Sofia can’t cut off the ring, but Vergara’s the one who’s trying.

R5: Sofia running Catherine to ground a little, finally forcing Jones to ropes and getting beefy to British flanks in spots, Catherine covering up earmuff, lips pursing as Latina pounds away to rib: Jones soaks, then looks for jerky little uppercuts from either mitt, setting up spin-move escapes off the apron. Catherine still able to create space and disengage when she wants, but legs are looking a little heavier now: insane pressure from Vergara starting to take effect as Jones simply runs out of ring.

R6: Jones standing her ground now--realizing she has to get Sofia’s respect, get her to back off. Catherine elbows in, hands up, chin tucked--she slips and counters gorgeously this round, getting underneath Vergara’s haymakers, then hooking paunch, or fitting slutty little right hands in under bulging Colombian left breast. Whenever Sofia pauses, covers up: Jones crowds close, picks Vergara up little left and right uppercuts--girls basically noggin to noggin as CZJ taps chin. Jones doing a lot more tieing up after she scores--fulsome brunette arms and shoulders writhing as women walk each other around--ref issuing breaks with heavy pushes against opposing chests.

R7: Jones takes Vergara apart. CZJ bending in, sneaking that short right hand onto Sofia’s chin: staring Colombian goes wobbly butt. Jones countering to perfection--slipping in under Vergara’s right hands, answering back hook to ribs/hook to chin and buckling Colombian knees. As Sofia starts to wilt, face discouraged--Jones attacks up the middle, digging to paunch and jug, backing her foe to ropes, Forehead-to-forehead. Jones will tip/tap little uppercuts in close, picking up Sofia’s chin, then ripping Vergara sumptuous hooks to waist, leather clapping out beefy on cringing Colombian flesh. Trunks? You bet: Jones one of the few celebrities who routinely go south AFTER successfully hurting her girl, rather than going trunks to turn things around. Vergara numb at the bell, lips parted, body trembling: Jones awash in the sweat of her own labour, clearly exhausted after punishing Sofia bell to bell.

R8: Vergara regroups on her stool, shakes off punishment, comes out slugging with the same lack of fear, same intensity as the first round. DEEPLY discouraging to a rapidly dwindling Jones: Catherine scowling, backing away, looking to accept Sofia onto her chest and tie her up for ref’s breaks. Vergara coming forward recklessly--tummy, chin, and breasts all there for the taking--but the sheer elan of Sofia’s attack causing Jones to wilt. Catherine savvy enough to clinch, conserving her energy while laying on the ropes and tying Vergara up--but Colombian weight starting to tell in the 8^th.

R9: Desperate toe-to-toe action==Jones engaging ion brutal attrition in an attempt tyo stem Vergara’s tide. Tidy stuff--Catherine cuter in close, just rolling her shoulders, shrugging ‘em to get swipe-hooks and jerk-uppercuts--tapping and swatting and touching at Sofia while controlling her with the left shoulder. Vergara comparatively crude, but muscularly effective: she’s taking a terrible toll on Jones with sumptuous blasts in above either hip, and she’s not respecting Catherine’s tummy or tits either. Jones the niftier, better woman, but at the bell, it’s Catherine who looks pale and shaken, spending up her last reserves to win the ninth without destroying her opponent.

R10: Jones mouth breathing, eyes desperate--she jabs furiously, scoot-steps right in first minute action as Vergara crouches forward. Sofia walking through Catherine’s poke, sweeping huge right hands loud to Jones’ midsection: CZJ wincing, finally shying to ropes and covering up as Sofia squares away big-girl at the minute mark. Oh, the beatdown: Vergara hungrily at Jones as Cathy leans forward, face-in gloves. Sofia patient, biting her low lip as she sweeps hooks in behind Jones’ right elbow or dips-n’-digs right hands up underneath. Vergara often riding one forearm atop Jones’ glistening upper back while plundering away the free mitt to body, sapping Catherine’s will to resist. Back? Vergara pounds at lumbar, cruelly smashing away to kidney with hammer-fist swabbing. Jugg? Sofia reaches under Catherine’s arms to chest her upright, then takes all the bra she can handle, bludgeoning away close and sweaty as Jones blubbers in distress. Just a sloshing, bashing, shellacking handed out--Vergara on Jones, all one way, until inevitably, sadly, Catherine Zeta-Jones sinks trembling to hands and knees. That’s it: Jones sits back in her haunches, breaking down into shuddering sobs as she higs her throbbing body. Last minute KO10, Sofia Vergara!

After: Heartbreaker for CZJ--ahead on the cards and demonstratively the better boxer, but Sofia’s bugling, headstrong attack simply overwhelmed at the end. SOFIA VERGARA WALKS CATHERINE ZETA-JONES! Brash TV starlet no respecter of pedigree--she waltzes right into the Jones corner, hugs Cathy to her feet and puts her on display: Jones weepy, head lolling as she’s held fast in her opponent’s strong right arm about the waist. Vergara grinning, waving with her left hand--occasionally busting Cathy bright, bruising kisses on the cheek as girls tour all four corners. Sofia pausing at times to shimmy her shoulders, sending those world-class hooters a-jostling back and forth while Catherine’s jugs sit sullen, slumped in humbled cups. Colombian press hailing Vergara an a conquistadora--Spanish-language media reporting that Katherine Heigl. Navi Rawat, Laetitia Casta, Jenny O’Dell, Jennifer Lopez, Jewel Kilcher, Kelly Brook, Lucy Pinder, and a host of others are slated for destruction although no call-outs appear in English press.

Reposted by Archer 7/14/12.