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11 July 2012 3-4: Halle Berry vs Linda Kozlowski

Page history last edited by Archer844 11 years, 9 months ago

Halle Berry.jpg Linda Kozlowski 01.jpg

Posted by Archer on July 11, 2012, 1:00 pm

Ca. 2004

Story by Jac Fac

Halle was relaxing over a drink with a few pals at an outdoor cafe in L.A. when Linda Kozlowski happened to spot her while strolling by and paused to tease the Oscar winner..

“Hey Pussycatwoman,” Linda yelled. “That flick was strictly litter city. Know what I mean?” She was letting Halle have it after the movie had gotten more than a few unflattering reviews. “What's next? Gonna do a 'Gigli redux' with J Lo and Burned out Ben?”

Halle had heard enough. Linda was getting at her pride in a big way.

“Seems like I flattened your ass last time there ‘croc lady’. I was waiting for you to fight someone closer to your age before deciding to give you a rematch, but now I've changed my mind.”

“Music to my ears,” piped up Linda.

“Mind if I wear my 'Catwoman’ suit?” said Halle?

“Wear whatever you want cause I'll be peeling if off your bod once I'm done with you. And by the way,” continued Linda. “You feeling lucky? Want to try kickboxing?”

Halle was good to go with that one but she didn’t know Linda had been secretly training with Chuck Norris in the hope Halle would take her up on her challenge. Switch scenes to Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. Halle comes out in her 'Catwoman' outfit except she has boxing gloves on. Linda is already waiting in the ring with a gray robe with 'K.O. Kozlowski' stenciled on the back in gold letters. She peels that off and the dudes drool to see her in her great black thong. Halle's midriff ripples with muscles from her workouts.

ROUND ONE
Norris has instructed Linda to be patient since Halle has the speed advantage. Halle flicks two quick shots to Linda's jaw snapping her head back sharply. She dances around and tries a quick slashing kick but Linda slips this. Linda spins rapidly and fires a solid left leg blow into Halle's gut. Halle grunts heavily and is moved backwards in pain. This is followed by a hard right hand to Halle's stomach. Linda is punishing her quickly in this round. Halle backpedals some more but then recovers to bring a solid uppercut to Linda's jaw which buckles her legs. Both clutch until the bell sounds as each woman has been 'heard from'.

ROUND TWO
Halle smokes Linda with some good punch combinations to the face, landing four unanswered shots including one to Linda's left eye. Linda spins again and scores solidly with that left leg to Halle's exposed gut and, once again, Halle is hurt; her legs wobbly. Linda reverses and lands a brutal right leg kick to Halle's midsection and sends her sprawling to the canvas. Halle is up at ‘seven’ and stumbles right into a left-right combo from Linda. The bell sounds. Linda wins this rounds big.

ROUND THREE
Halle feints with her right hand in hopes of nailing Linda with her left hook and Linda pretends to bite. As Halle begins that delivery Linda once again does a 360 degree spin and connects solidly with Halle's gut which makes the 'Catwoman's' body jackknife across the ring, sending her sprawling into the ropes from which she rebounds and goes down! Halle is damaged goods and she’s getting up strictly on guts alone. Linda is waiting with her hands on her hips. As Berry rises, she's slammed in the jaw with Linda's powerful knee and it's 'lights out' for Catwoman!

Halle lands face down on the canvas and still isn’t moving while Linda is already putting on her 'victory robe'. She marches triumphantly over her fallen foe and proceeds to slash the Catwoman garment open, then drags Halle's naked body out of it! Next Linda rips off the head piece. She takes a small cord and ties it around Halle's ankles and drags her around the ring on her back, her limp arms dragging behind her. Linda is wearing Halle’s 'Catwoman' mask but Halle doesn't know any of this as she's knocked out stiff as a board. Chuck Norris and Paul Hogan high five as Linda's singing pals from Juilliard jump up and down, ecstatic for her win. It's back to the drawing board for Halle; Linda has proven too much for her to handle!

While Linda beat Halle Berry in the kickboxing bout, she fared less well against her in other athletic contests which took place later. In the L.A. road race both trained extensively but Halle's quicker legs easily outpaced Linda's as she looked over her shoulder and grinned at the dismayed look on Linda's face as Linda 'faded in the stretch'. Then there was a basketball 'one on one' contest which saw Halle dominate Linda without much of a problem. Halle’s shooting skills were complimented by her ability to 'sky' and reject a large number of Linda's attempted shots. In a ‘first to 50 baskets’ match it ended with Halle dominant by a 50-28 margin.

Finally the two ladies met once again in the ring for a straight up boxing match; no kicking this time! Halle knocked out Linda in two rounds as, once again, Halle’s superior hand speed carried the day. Afterward, Linda announced her retirement from the ring as she raised Halle's hand - after being brought to. She also acknowledged Halle's other victories in their other matches and walked away to a standing ovation - led by Halle!