RETRO BOUT CA. 2004 

Posted by Jac Fac on July 11, 2012, 1:50 pm,

Cat Bell had been in a losing skein since her encounter with Kelly LeBrock ended up with 'The Woman in Red' beating her in a huge upset. Then Naomi Campbell also triumphed over 'Colonel MacKenzie'. She tried a couple of apartment wrestling matches, but lost to Jeri Ryan and Charlize Theron! Tonight, Cat’s in a gym by herself (she thought) where she intended to hit the speed bag and do some shadow boxing to improve her footwork. She’s attired in a leopard skin bikini and high heels as she struts toward the ring only to find someone’s already there. A woman wearing a hoodie that’s short enough to reveal a yellow thong and totally glamorous legs.

“I have this damn ring reserved,” announced Cat to the surprised woman in the ring. “Get the hell out of here and I mean now.”

The Mystery Lady simply put her hands on her hips and chuckled, “I'll leave when I'm damned good and ready. If you don't like it; let's see if you can MAKE ME LEAVE.”

The lighting in the building wasn't all that bright so Cat could not make out who this was. Suddenly, a third party arrived; a blond carrying two pair of boxing gloves. It’s old time glamour gal - and current referee - Elke Sommer.

“Put these on ladies,” Elke says. “And we’ll see who owns this ring. OK?”

“Good with me,” said the Mystery Lady whose hood still hasn’t left her head.

“You're on asshole!” replies Cat with a confident smirk.

Elke set them up with the gloves, then waved them into the ring.

Round One: Mystery Gal has fast hands and fires a series of vicious shots into Cat's midsection. Bell backs up but, as she does, her pursuer crushes her with a solid right to the jaw. Bell is floored! Her long legs fly up into the air as her ass hits the canvas hard.

“Luh..Lucky shuh…shot,” Cat stammers after she regains her feet. The Mystery Lady quickly bores in, landing even harder volleys to Cat’s body the like of which she’s never felt! Even Theron didn't jack her this hard in the days she fought the Afrikaner.

“Getting the idea you're better off OUT of the ring, you clown?” taunts the Mystery Lady.

Bell's pride is wounded badly and she throws a really good lead right which hits paydirt - but the Mystery Lady's head has moved backward and the force of that blow isn't telling. Mystery gal slams Bell hard again, this time with a wicked left hook to the midsection! Cat doubles over in pain and groans as Elke waves them off for a short break.

“She kicking your ass big time,” Sommer tells Cat.

“Just ref the frigging fight and shut the hell up!” mutters Cat.

“Oh sure hon,” purrs Sommer.

Round Two: Cat's eyes are puffed up by the Mystery Lady's shots with those quick head jabs that are finding the mark every time. They're in the center of the ring and Mystery Lady suddenly whips a solid right to Cat's jaw that rocks 'Colonel Mac' back on her heels. Then it's party time for the hooded killer! Her punches to Cat's head go unanswered and Cat’s on rubbery legs; walloped by continual left-right combos to the head!

Finally, Sommer jumps in and pulls the yellow thonged assaulter away. Cat staggers back, then swoons and topples over backward; crashing out cold and spread-eagled on the mat!

Elke now raises the victorious right glove of none other than... Vannessa Minnillo! The dark haired beauty has beaten a celebrated TV star (and honorary Marine colonel).

Suddenly, the lights go on in the gym and the crew who had been observing the impromptu fight applaud heartily for Minnillo. The gal is truly hard core and has the distinction of being one of the few to have decisively beaten the great 'Downtown' Julie Brown. Word of this slaughter gets around quickly but Julie refrains from thinking of Minnillo right away since her schedule already includes Sunny McKay, Katie Couric and her big battle with Jill Hennessey for control of Jill's media kingdom.

Vannessa will have to be back-burnered awhile though we'll have to see just how long the now non Mystery Lady is going to wait.