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17 March 2013 Jennifer Garner vs Jenny McCarthy

Page history last edited by Archer844 11 years ago

Jennifer Garner 09.jpg Jenny McCarthy 08.jpg

"St. Paddy's Day Massacre"

(Results: Simguy; Words: Sceej)

Posted by Sceej Boxing on March 17, 2013, 8:01 pm

Returning to the scene of the crime. Boston; St. Paddy’s Day; Murphy’s Pub Est. 1888. Just off the financial district: dark wood interiors and old fashioned brass rail along the bar; pictures of fighters on the wall—Sean O’Grady; Mickey Ward, Billy Conn … and of course the Boston Strong Boy – John L. O’Sullivan, himself!. Jamesons and Guiness flowing. Premium cigars add to the old school smoky feel. This is where it all started for Jenny Mac with a dramatic 10th round KO of her best ‘frenemy’ Jenny O’Dell to avenger previous year’s loss in New York!

O’Dell now taken on promoter’s roll … officially these outs are frowned upon by FCBA hierarchy … unofficially they are ‘can’t miss’ events.

Between live gate (tickets are a tough get and coveted by the Boston big wigs along with sundry VIPs) and closed circuit … O’Dell making a killing … and without the bruises!

Raucous crowd whipped up further by Boston’s own Dropkick Murphys … tearing into “We’re Shipping up to Boston”. Unlucky (and unthinking) well heeled New Yorker makes the mistake of wearing a Yankees cap … loses the cap along with a fair amount of his scalp!

FCBA celebs include the Sceej stable in its entirety … Palicki, Munn, and Big Bad Gena Lee … Scrubby McGee working Mac’s corner. Foxfire well represented … Palciki and Winstead exchange respectful nods. Gena Lee with a curled lip for Rachel Nichols. Rachel McAdams and Dani Fishel chatting with Olivia Munn about who gets next shot at the bantams. Drama start with Front Street “in da house”. J-Mac demanding they be turned away … but the Man in the Hat smugly waiving a bundle of VIP passes … Jenny on the slow burn as the Man in the Hat, Big Paulie, Rufus, Nicole Scherzinger, Grace Park, and Avril Lavigne saunter by (though official story is that the VIP passes were scalped, rumor has it that O’Dell provided passes to the Wiz as professional courtesy/effort to drum up some work with Front Street for her beach shows … but begged Wiz NOT to bring Campbell or Mack … “I won’t be able to control McCarthy if she sees either of those two! she consider this HER venue! Plus ... she'll be drunk!!!’)

Jenny McCarthy in Kelly green bikini top with old shamrocks on the cups, jeans and black brogans … strutting the perimeter … evil eye for Front Street which has staked out prime position on the bar … lots of back slaps from Irish crowd … one ass slap earns a beefy lawyer a black eye courtesy of Mac the Knife. Jennifer Garner more conservative and traditional in black sports bra, spandex tights and high top athletic shoes … wisely foregoing the orange top Jenny had sent her as a “gift”.

Betting fast and furious … JG significant pre fight fav … Hall of Famer AND the naturally bigger woman who KO’d Jenny Mac only time they met previously … only downside is Mac’s experience in the bare knucks style. As the whiskey flows, odds drop … and drop … to even money. Wizard gives the nod and Avril let’s on that they are taking McCarthy money at even. The action Front Street is handling quickly rises into six figures. The Wizard smiles serenely “Gotta love the Irish … they always bet with their hearts.”

O’Dell handling MC duties as well as promoting … tries to get quiet from the crowd … gives up and just yells above the din.

“Ladies and Gentlemen … let me start by wishing you all a very happy St. Patrick’s Day (roars) … welcome to Murphy’s and our annual St. Paddy’s Day Brawl (roars) … this fight will be contested with bare knuckles (louder roars) … and the Marquis de Queensbury rules will be observed at all times …. Well, some times? (laughs and roars). Introducing first … to my right … the former lightweight champion of the world … and an FCBA Hall of Famer … she weighed in at a trim 128 pounds … the great …. Jennifer Garner!!! (polite applause … some concern from McCarthy bettors as robe is slipped from Garner’s shoulders and they get a good look at those toned biceps and well muscled shoulders – retired or not, Garner is IN shape) … and now … to my left … a true daughter of Erin (roars) … the former bantamweight champion of the world (more roars) … and the greatest fighting Playmate of all time (louder roars) … she weighs in at a ready 123 pounds … Jenny ‘Mac the Knife’ McCarthy (place erupts as Jenny downs a shot of Jamesons and chases it with a pint of Guinness).

Blonde bravado has place going wild - with the notable exception of some of the more “in the know” types; Jenny looking maybe a little soft? “Hunnerd twenny tree? Where’s she been trainin’ … Dunkin’ Donuts?”

Girls to center of floor for some words from referee and O’Dell … J-Mac smirking, waving to crowd … Garner all steely focus … seems oblivious to near riot condition of the crowd. No ring for this one …. crowd forms the fighting circle. Fighters are called to “toe the line” … literally scribed in chalk on floor … and there’s the bell.

Rd 1 – Crafty Mac positions herself so timekeeper is behind Jen Garner, as hand rises to strike ‘last call” bell, Jenny moves a split second early and cracks Garner a right to the chops that has the brunette staggering back. Mac up on her toes … grinning and beckons JG “come get some, baby!”. Garner forward … guard up … slips big overhand right from Jenny and thumps hook to right flank. McCarthy grins … feints left and again looks to dial up the right. JG slips and picture combo … left to ribs … left to jaw .. straight right to forehead. BLONDE GIRL DOWN! McCarthy takes a seat on the hardwood! Stunned silence at knockdown of crowd fav 30 second s in! Jenny up quick … waves to crowd but smile is tight lipped. Garner overestimates damage and marches on J-Mac to finish and McCarthy responds with Irish fury! MCarthy stuns Garner .. letting both hands fly … cuffing shots … at one point wrestles brunette into headlock and pumps two into her face before she can break free… Garner forms earmuffs to ride out storm. After initially effective fusillade … a lot of Jenny’s shots are bouncing off shoulders or picked off with elbow. J-Mac steals last two minutes on pure aggression and street fighting saavy but flash knockdown has it a Garner round, 10-8 round on two cards.

Rd 2 - Bell for round 2 … Mac delights crowd with a quaff of Guinness at bar before striding out. JG more traditional … on a stool and taking instruction. Rachel McAdams whispering to Garner “Watch for the uppercut … “. Both girls circling … little more cautious. Jenny poking out range finder jab. Garner with balled fists on either side of her chin. J-Mac feints jab … throws right uppercut from heels .. Ganer all bendy backed arches out of harm way and slings counter left hook. BLONDE GIRL DOWN! Garner hook crashed into McCarthy chin and Jenny takes a seat … again! Ref insists on 8 count as Jenny Mac loudly protests it was a slip. Ref calls “fight” and Jenny brings the heat but JG has seen this act before and is ready. McCarthy buffeting with left and right, Garner content to go turtle until she feels blonde weakening then erupts out of shell with left hook to chops. Jenny Mac staggers back … and fires right hand that stuns Garner! Back and forth action has crowd in a lather. Late clinch turns into wrestling match … Garner’s sturdy glutes flexing through Spandex as she walks her blonde back …. occasionally getting one hand free to pop McCarthy to the gut. Just before bell, J-Mac wiggles right free and clips Garner cute little uppercut inside. Pops brunette head up out of that crouch. Grabs Garner ponytail , bulls head back and busts her one in chops that leaves Garner stunned. Last 2 minutes even but knockdown makes this a 10-8 Garner round.

Rd 3 – Garner out of corner with purposeful stride, meet McCarthy mid ring … and BLONDE GIRL DOWN AGAIN! Straight right hand off temple and Jenny on her butt for third time! Sputtering ... shocked … scrambles to her feet but this was no flash knockdown. It’s an all Garner round from there .. methodical … Jenny G always starting with the body and ending with the body … thumping that left hook to the ribs or snaking around to get kidney. Like watching a surgeon at work. End of round … McCarthy helps herself to a cheap cuffing shot off top of Garner’s scalp and fighters have to be separated. Nicole Scherzinger cups hands into megaphone and yells ‘cheap shot’ from the bar. The Wizard chuckles, swigs a PBR and quips, “Ahhhh … cut her a little slack, Nicky … it’s the only punch she landed the whole friggin round!”. 10-8 Garner round and the hole is getting unmanageable …

Rd 4 – Scrubby McGee reading McCarthy the riot act in the corner … little hard to tell exactly what he’s saying as Scrubby is having his own fight with a bottle of Bushmills. Like Jenny, Scrubby’s getting the worst of it and his speech is definitely slurred. Ice on Mac’s right flank. Concerned Adrianne Palicki in corner, “On your toes, Mac … you’re too fast for her! Use your speed … feet and hands … let her punch the smoke and then come back and bring the fire.” The ‘kid sister” of Sceej Boxing is the only level head. Munn doing shots at bar with Dani Fishel . Big Bad Gena Lee out in alley with a waitress who gave her attitude. Scrubby is … drunk? Again? And Sceej himself not present … officially frowns on the bar brawl format.

Jenny out of corner … up on toes …. circling stalking Garner … potshotting with jab. Recalls words of O’Dell “Mac can brawl like a Navy Seal on shore leave …. OR box like Billy Conn”. Whistles from crowd of appreciation when Garner looks to cut the floor and Jenny executes nifty heel turn. Jab jab ... straight right … jab …. its Boxing 101 and Professor McCarthy is schooling Jen Garner. Nothing overpowering but nifty round. Huge roar from crowd at bell. Chant goes up “Jenny .. Jenny … Jenny …” and McCarthy actually bows. 10-9 round McCarthy and she is on the board. Wiz to Avril (sotto voce) “Garner took the round off … get the word out quick … tell em’ where offering 3-1 on Garner now … got a short window here …. Irish eyes ain’t gonna be smiling after next round.” In sixty short seconds, Front Street financial interest in outcome virtually doubles.

Rd 5 - Jenny Mac out of corner on toes …. looking to build on momentum of the fourth … but them’s forty year old legs trying to dance in them heavy brogans! Garner patient to stalk … slip the jab. Thirty seconds in Jenny settles one off toes … looks to trade with JG … and BLONDE GIRL DOWN! Garner buries left hook in those barbecued McCarthy ribs then twists body into left uppercut, which telescopes blonde head up and sends her crashing back to hardwood. J-Mac to one knee at “four” … blinking … shaking head to clear cobwebs … back up at nine … and hushed crowd applauds as Mac the Knife glares across at brunette tormentor and snarls “Bring it!”.

And Jennifer Garner goes to work!

Cool … professional … almost clinical … left right left to body … pushes taped hands into Jenny’s shoulder’s and walks her back. Blonde can’t hold ground. Desperate Jenny kicks Garner shin with heavy work boots … eliciting howl of pain … and only mild warning from referee (it IS a bar brawl, after all!). Garner gimpy off the kick and Jenny goes all in … firing with both hands … clipping Garner with that straight right which has brunette stumbling and unsteady. Garner looks to clinch at bell and is rewarded with a McCarthy knee to the groin. 10-8 Garner round … but Jenny Mac the one punching at the end!

Huge roar from crowd at unlikely rally … but in Sceej corner, Scrubby McGee shakes head ruefully, “That was it … that was her last shot …”

Rd 6 - All Jen Garner … all hits … all the time! Methodical three minute beat down of blonde who maybe spent her last reserves last round? That thumping left to body has J-Mac sagging like a second hand couch – some of the shots eliciting a muffled grunt from the Playmate. When McCarthy does try to rally … it’s all one shot wildness … swinging for the fences and then stumbling when Garner slips shot and Jenny misses. When desperate McCarthy looks for the shin kick, Garner is ready! Grabs her heel and dumps the blonde on her butt! “Seen that trick already!” Garner states flatly. By reputation, Garner not spiteful but Jenny’s questionable tactics have her seething!

McCarthy wandering at end of round … finally locates JG. “That all you got? That all you got? They told me you could hit. You’re nothing … nothing!” Round Garner … 10-8 round without a knockdown.

Rd 7 – Garner takes the baseball bat to the body! Thud … thud … like someone was beating a side of beef with a crowbar. McCarthy not moving … socking it up … occasionally throws a tentative uppercut … Garner walking through the punch to batter the body. Jenny forced back until there is nowhere to go … sagging with back against the bar. Jen Garner muscles her upright … takes hold of bikini top between Jenny’s twin peaks … pulls her forward with left and cracks her off temple with a big right … McCarthy head snaps back! Garner tugs bra forward and bangs Mac another right – this one off the jaw. Crowd going quiet. JG pulls her forward for finisher and … nothing? Handful of green nylon? McCarthy manager to spin off the rail and reel drunkenly to center of floor … dukes raised … ready to continue?

Huge roars from the crowd! Applauding Jenny’s gameness? Maybe .. or maybe the fact that her bikini top is in a stunned Jen Garner’s hand and Jenny McCarthy’s two greatest talents are on full display!

Jugs a sloshin … Jenny heaves overhand right like a sash weight … Garner flustered … bare knuckles was about all the novelty she was counging on … now bare tits? With practiced ease, Jen G sidesteps and blonde hurtles past … momentum stopped only when she crashed into crowd. Grinning Boston firefighter in uniform helps self to handful of Playmate tit and gets a lipful of Playmate fist for his boldness.

Tap on shoulder? J-Mac turns … and is introduced to JG’s fist! BLONDE GIRL DOWN! About a minute into the 7th and J-Mac down for the 5th time …. Struggling boozily to feet with some help from crowd as Garner waits patiently. The Man in the Hat get Jenny O’Dell’s attention and gestures her over.

“Your promotion, Jenny, and you know I’m not one to give advice without bein’ asked but … maybe it’s time to stop this one?”

Jenny O’Dell looks at the Man in the Hat slyly, "Looking to collect all those Garner bets early, Wiz? Or worried about that little blonde loose cannon getting in a lucky shot?”

The Man in the Hat smiles, bit ruefully, “I’m not worried about collecting on the bets, O.D. They were money in the bank when I made em. Just that the kid’s getting more than a little scuffed up out there.”

Jenny O’Dell, shocked “What? Don’t tell me you’re going soft, Wiz! And Jenny McCarthy? What do you care if she gets her brains beat in?”

“Just protectin’ an investment, OD. Asylum is a rating monster – you know that better than anyone! And of course it’s the fights … but you and Tess got fans … and believe it or not, there are those who tune in just to hear what mangled commentary is gonna come out of ol’ Mac & Cheese! Hell, the “Shut it, Walmart’ drinking games gone viral. So I don’t want to see her knocked stupid … errr, I mean stupider …”

“Should have known! Wiz going sentimental? What was I thinking! Anyway … its not on me to stop it .. or the ref! Bar Brawl Rules … only the corner can stop the fight.”

“Just don’t have her too punchy for next broadcast, that’s all I ask! She’s hard enough to understand as it is!!!” chuckles the Man in the Hat as Jenny O’Dell walks off to work the crowd. Then under his breath … “… that and ... hell, I love watching her lose but I don’t need to see her get hurt …”

Back in the ‘ring’, Jenny Mac absorbs a two minute pummeling courtesy of Jen Garner. At bell, Garner heads for corner and feels tap on her shoulder. Turns to see Jenny Mac with a crooked smile on her battered face, “Had enough? Ya gonna quit?”. Garner shakes her head as Sceej corner corrals J-Mac back to corner.

Rd 8 - Heated Sceej corner. Jenny declining offer of a t-shirt. “Think I nevuh fought topless? I’m the greates' fightin' Playmate of all time!”. Adrianne Palicki looking to throw in the towel, stopped by an adamant Scrubby McGee. “Ya don’t unnerstan, Addie, you’re not Irish. Dere’s no shame in losin’ … the shame comes in not tryin’ … let our Jenny finish dis ting in her own time.”

Mac out to center ring on unsteady legs … and here comes Jen Garner. Left to body … left to temple … left right left to body …. McCarthy reeling … and JG wants the rack! Blinding hand speed even this late in fight as she ‘speed bags’ the proudest rack in the Hefner empire! Mac’s rack scalded red by beating. Jenny tosses a sleepy left hook in counter and eats a cracking right to jaw. Jenny staggers one step left … one back … and pitches face forward. Count is to ten … it could have been a hundred! Winner by knockout in the 8th round … Jennifer Garner.

Olivia Munn is passed out drunk. Teary eyed Palicki and cold eyed Nolin gather up what’s left of Jenny McCarthy. Jennifer Garner to corner to check on Mac in display of sportstmanship, cold rebuke from Nolin “Take a walk … we take care of our own ” …. and then a growling “Hey, Garner … I’ll be seeing you around …”.

Scrubby McGee rousing J-Mac with a shot of Jameson’s “She’ll be ok … she took most of da shots in da head.” The Man in the Hat collecting something in the ballpark of a quarter million in side bets … shooting occasional look across barroom … no smile from a guy collecting that kind of jack? Then finally … broad grin at what he sees

Jenny McCarthy (still in all her topless glory) has wandered on ot the stage and is leading the Drop Kick Murphys in song … “… so kiss me … I’m sh*tfaced … I'm soaked and soiled and brown ...”

Happy St. Paddy’s Day!