Posted by Simguy on 2/10/2006, 6:26 am.

Before: Premium all-blonde match up at 110—Packard bringing her pinpoint punching and educated feet in against the big-jugged power of free-swinging Simpsy.  I don’t want Jessica getting all caught up in matching wits with Kelly,” Jessica Lange tells reporters in prefight. “Yes, I want Jess to cut off the ring, but I don’t particularly care how sloppy she looks, just as long as she’s camped out inside Kelly’s swimsuit all night. We’re not going to out-finesse Kelly Packard: we’re going to step-to her and take her out!” Packard coming off one of the best campaigns of her career in ’05—anxious to pick up where she left off, “Jessica can be a handful,” Kelly admits, “but I think the Krushers are forgetting about my right hand. If Jess opens up and walks in on me, I’ll chin check her, and I don’t see her shrugging off my power,” Simpsy in heartpounding pink Dukes string bikini—Packard in elegant black string bikini, Small gloves both vixens.

During R1: Packard has boxing purists standing up, kissing their fingertips (MM-WAAH!) like a bunch of French waiters at the flawless display of stick and move, Tap-tapo-tap—that jab easily penetrating Jessica’s porous guard, spanking Simpsy shiny-faced, Kelly smoothly to her left, occasionally fading back from Jessica’s lunging rushes and simply walking around her—Packard one step ahead, disengaging at will and stepping to open the canvas Simspy amateurish, throwing herself at Packard—Kelly executing matadora sidestep, sending Simpson face-first into ropes with a flashy right hand push in the back for good measure. Easy, breezy shutout Kelly Packard: Jessica’s face glowing with a pink patina of hurt courtesy Packard’s heartless jab.

R2: Simpson more effective—lowering her shoulder to tackle Kelly, curvy legs stamping canvas to put Packard’s butt in the ropes. Packard hard pressed, but digging down—banging back hard left uppercuts and hooks, thumping to the belly, breasts and jaw of her foe—all while keeping that right tight to cheek. Simpson wide, clobbering with lefts and rights ticketed for her opponent’s skull—wildly crowd pleasing stuff as Kelly fights for her life, back to ropes. Final minute—Packard spins back to midring and brings Jessi to heel with that scolding stick: Simpson’s nose bloodied, left eye already looking angry as Kelly jabs her without mercy to steal the round.

R3: Packard consolidates—pumping that jab into Jessica’s face, establishing distance, tempo, style. Simpsy frustrated: she comes forward and is jabbed to a halt; she bobs her head, crosses her arms, and Kelly outflanks her; she backs away to regroup and Packard pounces with long right hands and vicious, mop up hooks in cuddly Texan paunch. Simpsy scowling—often crossing her arms and bending at the waist, trying to figure things out: Kelly heaving it all her own way, boxing masterfully to another one-sided shutout. Packard smiling prettily en route to her corner: she’s giving Jessica a pasting through 3.

R4: Kelly’s negotiated her terms, now she sets down and looks to seal the deal. Jab locate Simpsy, steer her, position her, and here comes the right hands. Sharp, crisp, pounding blows—Packard bending into beauties, lighting Jessica up, smashing her face hard to the side, Ripping, taut hooks—Kelly’s arm shivering off blasting punches to Simpsy’s golden brown tummy, or skidding off her right hip. Lead right hands setting up vicious left uppercuts off the front foot. It’s all too much for Simpson—she’s routed, staggering backwards, soaking up ringing shot after ringing shot as crowd squeals in anticipation. Wince-making stuff: Kelly stalking, stepping into wider stances as she leans into fight winning right hands—she’s shadowing Simpsy all along the ropes, smashing away at the dregs. Final minute, Kelly starting to breathe hard and Jessica’s still standing: Packard slows tempo, heels Jessica’s shoulders back the ropes and ROMPS TO JUGG! Simpsy bleak, out of it—she can’t stop the rapacious punching as Packard shrugs up into her—hup-hup-hupping tight n’ tidy to the bell, Kelly beaming en-route to her corner: Simpsy sobbing, crying freely as she hugs herself after one of the worst rounds of her career.

R5: Jessica swinging away—what else can she do? Packard timing her foe like she’s looking to jump into whirling skip ropes—dropping the lead right onto face, jabbing the eyes, the mouth—stepping to the side. Middle minute—Kelly pastes Jessica a right; Simpson soaks, answers back a clobbering right on a chin, swinging left onna chin—PACKARD’S HURT! Kelly stunned, steps in fence post hole, regroups—she leans into a short-circuited right that skips off the top of Jessica’s scalp: Simpson lands a POUNDING right onna jaw; immediately puts a clapping hook on top and PACKARD GOES DOWN! Kelly caught tic-toc on her chin—back leg gives way—she goes to one knee in a daze. Packard up at 4, but legs betray her, sending her sprawling face-foirst into the ropes and down again to all fours, AND THE REF WAVES IT OFF! Official kneeling to put a protective arm across Kelly’s back as she’s still wobbling like a newborn calf—lumped Jessica Simpson climbs the ring ropes the KO5 victrix!

After: J-M-D! J-M-D! Crowd goading Simpson on until she finally struts to the Packard corner to exact tribute. Moment’s worth of heart to heart talking as Kelly—seated on her stool—reaches the  fingertips of her right hand to Jessica’s belly, touching her at arm’s length, looking up at her and trying to reason with her. Simpsy shaking her head repeatedly, pushing at Kelly’s hand, finally moves in big-girl and pulls Packard to her feet by her shoulders. Awkward fumbling in the corner as freshly KO’d Kelly struggles to push as her tormentress’ shoulders—job of work for Jessica to crowd Kelly to the turnbuckles, pull at her wrists, try to snag her behind the head. Finally—Simpsy able to get Kelly’s skull in the crook of that brawny left arm, pulling her face snug to jug as crowd roars its approval. Final touches: Jessica clutching at her right bicep with the left hand—right hand cupping the top of Kelly’s damp scalp—Simpsy propping her left foot on the ropes for leverage as she packs Kelly into the corner. Jess beaming with simpleminded glee, occasionally kissing Kelly’s matted hair as poor Packard eventually slumps limp in her foe’s gasp. Camera pans to a sour-faced Jennifer Love Hewitt at ringside—arms crossed, shaking her head in disgust at the whole scene.

Reposted by Archer 8/14/13.