Retro Bout Ca. 2004 by Jac Fac


Martina Hingis had been issued a challenge to a boxing match by Sue Bird. Bird had lost the L'eggs mini-marathon to Martina and was infuriated by that. Each had been on the Oprah Winfrey show several weeks before and had engaged in an argument about whose sport was the most grueling.

The tale of the tape: Hingis 5'7" and 130 lbs.; Bird 5'9" and 150 lbs.

Before the fight, Sue and Martina both appeared on the Leno show together and each got in a few pointed barbs. Bird allowed that she'd been beaten in the foot race but claimed Hingis was lucky.

“Well you were real lucky to get a flunky opponent like Elizabeth Berkley to beat up weren't you Bird girl?”

“Look, I'll face you at your basketball game half-time like the flunky did OK?” said Martina.

“SURE!” was Sue's cocky reply. “Music to my ears. You're dead meat in front of my crowd Swiss Miss.”

“I won't MISS hammering your eyes shut,” shot back Martina.

A month later finds the two women in Seattle, Washington. 'Stormin Sue' is in her red, white and blue bikini with heels for the fight. Martina is in her tennis panties and she draws lots of oohh and aahh as she parades to the ring. Hingis looks ready! Naomi Campbell is interested in this fight as she has Sue in her stable on a continual basis having knocked out Bird awhile back. The tall, dark and glamorous hot tempered runway model thinks knocking out Martina might be next on her agenda.

Meantime it's fight time for Bird/Hingis and venerated veteran Sue Ann Langdon is the referee.

Round One: Bird connects solidly to Martina's jaw and it rocks the tennis gal but does NOT put her down. This was Sue's best right hand shot and she's chagrined to see 'Swiss Miss' still upright. Martina dances swiftly and counters with a flurry of body shots which cause Sue to slightly crumple in the middle. Martina is using her speed and superior footwork here. She slams Sue viciously with a left hook and Bird's legs buckle. Martina jackhammers the Stormin one with a rapid volley of body blows and Sue is wincing a great deal. Bird FALLS to the 'Swiss Miss' left/right combo as the crowd is rocking. She's up and Martina is pressing this so called battle. Hingis delivers good shots to Sue's face and the WNBA gal's face is getting puffy and swollen quickly.

“Let's see who does GRUELING now you big mouthed dribbling no producing clown” snarls Martina. She mercilessly fires shot after shot at Sue's head and Bird is badly hurt. The bell rings to end the round.

Round Two: Sue's corner has worked on her but she's glassy eyed and confused. “C'mon toughie come and get it” teases Martina. The slightly taller heavier Bird is able to connect again with Martina's jaw but the power isn't there. Bird's arms are weary and so is she. Hingis slams Bird once again to the canvas with a right cross. Bird is on her knees and struggling.

“I give Martina, you win…you win,” she wails.

After: But Hingis is in no mood for mercy. Bird has pushed herself up on one knee and it's then that Martina whips a right uppercut to Bird's jaw. Sue's head snaps back and she falls. It's over. Martina is feted by many after the fight including her new pal and mentor... Joan Van Ark. Hingis awards Sue's bikini to Joan as a sign of her victory. Bird lay naked in the ring for 1/2 an hour after the crowd filed out. Even Naomi left her there in disgust.