BBU & ACB Presents: "The Ashes--Day One"

Posted by Vassago on October 11, 2013, 1:27 pm,

However the BBU lead reporter has fresh news straight off the Cardiff HQ, "It's going to be a busy autumn for Miranda, Kylie. I hear that if Rochelle Humes beats Rachael Finch tomorrow, she will get her chance at Kerr's title very soon indeed. Kimberly Davies and Downunder Boxing's guru Baudo have delivered the papers and while I must admit, the bar is raised very high for Rochelle, let's see now how good - or bad - Miranda looks against the most popular model ever to appear on Page Three of the Sun!"

Miranda Kerr wearing a light green bikini set and yellow gloves. Lucy Pinder wearing a black basque top, red knickers and black gloves. The fight is scheduled for ten rounds in the lightweight division.

Round 1:
Lucy's either very brave or she hasn't heard much about Miranda's past results; she jumps straight at her foe and jabs on the body, clips the blonde's rack and looks for more success but then gets tagged on the mouth with a fierce right hook; Kerr means business and tames the brunette's little foray with ease, sends more punches over the top and snaps her head back repeatedly within the opening minute. Lucy ducks and weaves on her feet, tries to send some leather on the tummy but can't live with her rival's exceptional footwork. Kerr with a clubbing series on the ribcage instead, staggers Pinder in the middle of the ring and whacks her on the jaw with another uppercut as the English vixen slowly realizes what's going on but still looks a bit stunned and doesn't react in time when the Aussie champs nails her on the nose with a hooking combo. Ugh! Lucy wobbles back and drops her arms as Kerr searches more domination, pounds away at the chest and finally pushes Lucy to the ropes with the P3 model's attacks sliding off the arms and enabling Kerr to pulverize the cleavage thereafter. Heavy strikes from both flanks underline the fact that Miranda won't be letting her opponent off the hook very often tonight and when she clubs Pinder on the mouth just before the bell, the first drops of blood cover the canvas as the lightweight champion threatens to deliver another blood bath tonight and in fact Kylie is surprised that the brunette managed to stay upright all the way through the opening round. "Miranda hasn't even kicked into third gear and she's already pounding Pinder's fat ass all over the shop!"

Round 2:
Kerr maintains the high-tempo assault and buries the buxom brunette under a barrage of leather seconds into the next round; Lucy's very brave rather than stupid cause she leaps after the Aussie again only to have her head snapped back back & forth with Miranda spiking her from both arms before sending a gutwrencher on the navel to stagger her on the spot. Left hook on the eye makes a mess of the guard and a clubbing right follow up catches Lucy on the nose and sends spinning onto the ropes. Crowd remains loyal to one of it's glamorous fighters but one simply cannot ignore Miranda's determination as she belts her foe on the tummy and buries in deep trouble. Lucy tries to clinch, eats more shots around the elbows instead and Miranda ravages her rack afterwards. She works the left hand on the cleavage as Pinder's clinching efforts prove worthless; she raises her head and tries to spike the Aussie on the head but a left hook over the top tags her on the jaw and bends to the side again, another right hook on the temple, left on the jugs and Lucy gasps for air, covers up upstairs but exposes her stomach again and gets thumped from point black range, sinks further on her knees and just allows Miranda to beat her up in the final minute as the Aussie drops her tempo, perhaps a sign of sympathy already - and reverts into single punching on the forearms but Pinder truly looks hapless out there and offers nothing back and now Kylie is annoyed that Kerr eased her foot off the gas; so is the ACB coaching team and Miranda is tired of this talk even when given to her by the AWUBA living legend MacPherson.

Round 3:
Miranda's back into punching Lucy's rack as she traps the brunette in the middle of the ring and pounds away at her cleavage, rocks the F cups from side to side and the Page Three model can't even keep her arms together anymore, misses her hooking attempts on the head and enables Kerr to counter her and more shots crash off the cheeks as Lucy's otherwise tanned skin has developed a new shade. Those yellow gloves keep crashing off Pinder's face and simply shover her into the ropes as Miranda blocks off another clinching attempt and switches for the rack assault instead... bashes Lucy's jugs around and the proud brunette finally wilts under all this barrage, tries to catch some air but she's hurting inside and Miranda notices her eyes becoming unsteady, belts a left hook to the jaw AND SENDS PINDER CRASHING ONTO HER SIDE... It looked like this knockdown could have come much sooner and Denise van Outen suddenly thinks that Miranda is really easing off the gas tonight, toying around with the brunette and just getting some ring practice instead... Pinder's up at six but eats more leather after the command, gets pinned to the turnbuckle and as she drops her arms to protect her midriff, Kerr switches up high again and adds more facial lumps, snaps Pinder's head around and the moaning begins to be hard to take even for the most devoted boxing fans as Kerr simply pounds away at Lucy's face and whips another uppercut on the jaw right at the bell with Lucy spitting out her mouthpiece and just sliding on the canvas as she can barely find her breath anymore and needs to be raised to her stool by both the ex-Spice Girls. Liz Hurley doesn't even bother with any advice as Lucy looks utterly spend already after three rounds.

Round 4:
Miranda finally moves for the kill and slows Lucy even further by jabbing at her chest early in the fourth; she switches up high and clips the jaw again which only sags Pinder on her knees and enables the Aussie to work around her elbows and give the ribcage more punishment. Pinder struggles to find her breath in wake of Kerr's clubbing attack on the chest, yellow gloves simply tear the brunette's arms aside and spike the biggest BBU cleavage tonight with no sympathy whatsoever and it's all too easy for Kerr and all too painful to Pinder who drops her head and gets thumped onto the ropes before SLIDING ONTO HER KNEES as the breasts' mauling proved too much for her to take. Lucy spits out her piece again, tries to bide some time but it's a slow count and she manages to raise herself up at eight, still gasping for air and looking frail metally. Her eyes switch from one corner of the ring to another but ref gives her more time, orders the BBU caoches to readjust her basque top which got a bit loose in wake of all those Kerr punches but that little break really throws the Aussie off and she rips into the brunette immediately after the command, belts at her tummy and finds more uppercuts on the chin as she seemingly wants to knock Lucy's head off and pulverizes the brunette with her left hand, sends three more on the nose and Lucy stops moaning, she's out cold on her feet and CRASHES HARD FACE-FIRST ON THE CANVAS at Miranda'e feet. Ref fails to realize that the English brunette is out of here until the count reaches five and only then calls for the medics, Kerr struts away to her corner and doesn't bother looking at the women she's just send to a painful land of dreams.. KO4 Miranda Kerr!!!

AFTER: "Yes, Miranda is THAT good, folks!", Kylie Minogue finally has something to brag about but there are only few worried faces among the BBU camp, one of them belonging to Rochelle Humes. If the The Saturdays singer wanted to Dfind out more about Kerr's current form, she didn't really have the chance since - as Kylie keeps indicating - the super model produced a very reserved showing and was literally cruising all the way through the bout. "It's a shame that Pinder's FCBA exprience counted for nothing tonight", van Outen tries to salvage some BBU pride in wake of her Humes' gossip, "We don't even know if Miranda can take a good punch or not these days. Of course we remember how she broke Charlotte Church's nose at bantam but now that's she's in a higher division, it's a slightly different ball game. And while tonight's bout was all about getting the exposure, filling the front covers and the glamour model's prize, I - as BBU lead reporter - must admit that we gifted this point to the Aussies. Lucy looks awesome in any piece of lingerie but can't box at Miranda's level just yet."

Meanwhile Charlie Webster reports that Yvonne Strahovski has left the VIP lounge to have a couple of drinks and looked confident of achieving the ACB Day One goal of winning three of the remaining four bouts. There's little doubt about Erika Heynatz but next comes the woman labelled as the second coming of Heynatz and Sarah Cummings has placed a personal bet on Charlie that Delta Goodrem will knock the stuffing out of Catherine Tyldesley before half-distance. "Do we really need a Heynatz clone in BBU? I think NOT", Webster concludes her report with a cheeky smile; one wonders if she will regret her audacious remarks?

Final result: Miranda Kerr def. Lucy Pinder KO4.