COVER: Eliza Dushku in a black bikini with a gold sheriff's star pinned to the left bra cup. Headline in red: SPECIAL GUEST WRITERS' ISSUE!

COVER STORY: That's right, we've given the magazine over to the ladies of the FCBA (including The Sheriff) who've written guest columns on subjects of their choice!

ELIZA DUSHKU: I WAS BACKSTABBED BY CLAIRE! (Picture: Dushku in a white bikini reaching behind to pull a knife out of her back.) As you can tell from the title, Hall Of Famer Eliza Dushku says Claire Danes was behind her exit from HISC!

EMILY BLUNT: NATALIE DORMER IS A FLASH IN THE PAN! (Picture: Blunt in black bikini bottoms and a full-length apron holding a frying pan over a burner.) The lovely Emily says Natalie's 15 minutes are almost up!

CASSIE SCERBO: THE FCBA'S WORST TRADE EVER! (Picture: Cassie in a blue business suit working a boxing glove shaped phone like an NFL GM on draft day.) The FCBA's resident pudding expert says the most one-sided trade in FCBA history was the one that saw Bazz give up Selena Gomez for Brenda Song!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD: WHY YOU CAN'T TRUST LAURA V! (Picture: Winnie smiling sweetly in a red bikini...while looking over her shoulder.) MEW's rivalry with Laura Vandervoort hasn't ended with Laura's move to bantam, as this column shows!

MICHELLE WILLIAMS: YES, I RUINED 'NESSA! (Picture: Mishy in a white bikini tossing a dart at a Hudgens-faced dartboard.) Michelle Williams says her recent defeat of Vanessa Hudgens has put 'Nessa's FCBA career in a death spiral!

MINKA KELLY: ELISHA IS QUEEN...OF SABOTAGE! (Picture: Minka defusing a bomb in a blue bikini.) The lovely Ms. Kelly says stablemate Elisha Cuthbert will stop at nothing to hold on to the alpha bantam role at Lookout!, and her tactics include undermining her intra-stable rivals in an effort to get them beaten in the ring!

CATHERINE BELL: THERON DESERVED IT! (Picture: Bell smiling, arms crossed, in a black bikini.) Cat Bell has grievances, and she tells us all about them and the "Tyranny Of Theron" at The Academy!

NICOLE SCHERZINGER: FRONT STREET QUIT ON ME! (Picture: Nicole exiting the ocean in a metallic green bikini.) The lovely Ms. Scherzinger has changed coasts, but she's not forgotten about her exit from Philly!

LEANN RIMES: I'M THE DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH! (Picture: LeAnn in a diamond-covered bikini.) LeAnn Rimes tells us why her Diamond Boxing Club stablemates make an excellent supporting cast for the girl who's clearly the stable's alpha...Ms. Rimes herself!

KALEY CUOCO: JESSICA CAN'T HANG! (Kaley hangs from a tree limb in a sky blue two piece.) Jessica Biel's stablemate and rival says she knows the secret of Ms. Biel's recent slump, and it has everything to do with her not being able to keep up with a girl named Kaley Cuoco!

ADRIANA LIMA: THE SI GIRLS ARE SECOND RATE! (Picture: Lima in a red bikini tearing apart a "Sports Illustrated" swim suit issue...with Kate Upton on the cover.) The FCBA's top model breaks it down for us, telling us exactly why Victoria's Secret > "Sports Illustrated".

SARAH CARTER: HAYDEN IS THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE! (Picture: Sarah in a white bikini with angel wins and a halo.) Foxfire's resident hard girl says stablemate Hayden Panettiere;s "good girl" act is just that...and Hayden isn't a very good actress!

JENNY MCCARTHY: HOW I'D FIX FRONT STREET (Picture: J-Mac in a yellow bikini standing in front of a huge white board with the names of all the Front Street fighters on it. Red lines are drawn through many, and she's drawing one through "Grace Park" when the picture is snapped.) The self-proclaimed "top trainer in the FCBA" says she can "fix the mess at Front Street" by trimming the roster, pushing fighters like Torv and Sobieski, and bringing Jamie Lynn Spears back to the active list!

TROIAN BELLISARIO: WHY PLP HAS ECLIPSED VAMPY D AND THE ENTIRE CW! (Picture: The ladies of PLP< Hale, Bellisario, Mitchell, and Benson, in matching black bikinis.) The lovely Troi B. says she and her stablemates are the new ingénue queens, and there's nothing the CW can do about it!

WILLA HOLLAND: WHY "THE THRILLA" DESERVES TO BE MANAGED! (Picture: Holland in a hunter green two piece.) Willa Holland says she's the best young bantam on the planet and wonders why girls like Holt, Dobrev, and Rambin are "taking up space" in stables while she's still an indy!

KATE BECKINSALE: PLAYMATES MUST GO! (Picture: Kate in full royal robes with a crown on her head.) Kate The Great says it's time to put the "C" back in the FCBA by getting rid of the "pseudo-celebrities", starting with "trollops famous only for taking their clothes off"!

REBECCA ROMIJN: I AM THE ANSWER! (Picture: Big Becky in a powder blue bikini.) The question, FYI, is "Who can beat Amanda Righetti?" And the lovely Ms. Romijn tells us why she's the girl who can get the job done!

CARRIE PREJEAN: I WANT GRETZKY! (Picture: Carrie in a violet bikini.) The always controversial Ms. Prejean says the FCBA hasn't seen the last of her and that "The Real Carrie 2.0" is going to prove she belongs by destroying Paulina Gretzky!

THE SECRET SOURCE: BRATTY LOWNDES HATED IN OWN STABLE! (Picture: The familiar green question mark on a black background.) Jessica Lowndes is a rising star in the FCBA, but our source says her own stable has had enough of the gorgeous brunette. "You've got three real pros over there," says the source. Freeman is one of the best welters in the world and was on the CW when Lowndes couldn't get arrested. Odette's been in big movies and been fighting over five years, and Eva's a decorated veteran and a huge movie start. None of them are impressed with some little diva with a negative Q score. They're professional enough not to let it get out of hand, but, let's just say there's plenty of eye rolling going on when Lowndes pulls another of her foot-stomping routines."

POINTY'S CORNER: Valentine's Day is on the way and Poindexter Del Crunchy has tips on doing the day right!

ALSO: GENA LEE NOLIN: WHY I SHOULD BE IN THE HALL OF FAME! BLAST FROM THE PAST: CARLY SIMON: THE NIGHT I DESTROYED OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN. AND: KELLY ROWLAND: THE ENTIRE LIGHTWEIGHT DIVISION IS AFRAID OF ME...AND IT SHOULD BE!