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31 August 2014 Allison Mack vs Jenny McCarthy

Page history last edited by Vassago 9 years, 6 months ago

 

"BAZZ AND BUNNIES AT THE ASYLUM" - MAIN EVENT

 

Posted by The Grand Wizard on August 31, 2014, 9:48 pm

 

O'Dell: "What a great card we had tonight in Philadelphia, and we'll be right back here next month for another Asylum event, so, until the next time someone signs your committal papers..."

Oh, the shark, babe
Has such teeth, dear

McCarthy: "What the..."

O'Dell: "Hang on a minute, truck...that's Bobby Darin and 'Mack The Knife' and that can only mean Allison Mack is on her way to the ring..."

McCarthy: "What's SHE doing down here! She's not on this card! Get her...DON'T YOU EYE ME, MACK! I'll come up there and..."

O'Dell: "Calm DOWN, Mac! Allison into the ring, wearing that familiar black robe with the gleaming silver knife, a single drop of dark red blood dripping from the tip. Mack into the ring and grabbing a microphone!"

Allison: "What did you think of that card, fans?"

O'Dell: "The fans roaring their approval of tonight's festivities..."

Allison: "I think Avril did a great job of picking the very BEST available opponents for tonight's 'Playboy' card..."

McCarthy: "THAT'S IT! SHE CAME DOWN HERE TO HUMILIATE ME! I'M COMING UP THERE, MACK! IT'S ON!!!"

O'Dell: "Sit DOWN, Mac..."

Allison: "You know what, Jenny O? We booked our normal alotted time for tonight...and we normally have SIX fights. I bet we have enough time left for one more..."

Tess: "Uh oh..."

McCarthy: "You aren't worth my TIME, Mack The Fraud..."

Allison: "Especially considering the last time I fought J-Mac it lasted THIRTY SECONDS..."

McCarthy: "YOU...I'LL SIGN! WHERE DO I SIGN! LET'S DO THIS!"

O'Dell: "Mac, you CAN NOT BE SERIOUS..."

McCarthy: "WHERE DO I SIGN???"

Allison: "Maybe there's a contract back in the locker room. I bet Avril even has a PEN you can borrow...might even have some gear your size back there..."

McCarthy: "Jenny, I've got to go. And, for the record, I pick J-MAC BY KO!"

O'Dell: "And Mac getting up from the table and headed back to the locker room...the fans going nuts..."

Tess: "Cassie?"

Cassie: "Yes, Tess..."

Tess: "When did you know about this?"

Cassie(whistling)

Tess: "I THOUGHT so..."

O'Dell: "Fans, we may have a slight delay here while an actual contract is signed moments before the fight takes place...this place really IS an Asylum, you know that?"

Cassie: "Uncle Wiz likes to keep things interesting..."

O'Dell: "'Interesting' is one word for it. Truck, let's get a highlight package from tonight's first five fights running...we'll apparently be BACK..."


ROUND ONE:

O'Dell: "We're back and getting word from Avril Lavigne that the contract for an 'impromptu' sanctioned fight between Allison Mack and Jenny McCarthy has been signed by all parties with J-Mac also acting as management signatory for Sceej Boxing and approved by the FCBA Commissioner...so this is happening."

Tess: "We showed you earlier tonight that Adrianne Palicki was in the crowd, here most likely to scout Kesha as a possible future opponent. Along side her was Sceej trainer Scrubby McGee. And they're now climbing into the ring, clearly going to work McCarthy's corner..."

Cassie: "Looks like the Old Scrubster may have been doing some imbibing, because he almost fell through the ropes..."

O'Dell: "We have some crew members coming down to the table now, and...guys, we're on the air...what are you...that can wait until after the show! For some reason, the crew thinks now is a good time to remove Mac's chair and headset! Are you boys off the clock or something? I can not IMAGINE what else could happen..."

Rule Britannia!
Britannia rule the waves...

O'Dell: "Why do I SAY things like that? That, of course, is 'Rule Britannia' and that can only mean...what am I saying? At this point it could mean ANYTHING..."

Tess: "But that IS Kate Beckinsale on her way down the aisle...and she's carrying a chair and a headset! She's clearly coming to join us here at the broadcast table! I didn't even know she was in town...but, I'm betting someone ELSE at this table DID..."

Cassie(whistling)

Tess: "Once again, I THOUGHT so..."

O'Dell(sighing): "Pull up a chair, Kate. The only way this could get any stranger would be...well, what do you know? I can't THINK of anything..."

Kate: "...plugged in? Thank you, gentlemen, you may leave now. Good evening Jennifer, Tess, and Cassandra."

O'Dell: "How did you happen to be in the arena, Kate?"

Kate: "Well, the Grand Wizard asked me to be here to help out with tonight's main event. I happened to be at tea with Her Majesty when the call came in, and you can IMAGINE my reaction..."

Cassie: "Oh, please tell us!"

Kate: "At first blush it went something like this: 'Dear God, no!  This cannot be happening!  Just as in one of those dreadful American slasher rubbish videos!  This monstrous combination of silicone and bombast has yet again resurrected and once again defiles an FCBA ring!'"

O'Dell(sighing): "Did Her Majesty do a spit take with her tea?"

Kate(coldly): "Her Majesty NEVER spits! And, fans, allow me to apologize in advance ... this was advertised as an exhibition of CELEBRITY boxing!    The FCBA was founded by and for FILM actresses  ... and here we are faced with a washed up Page 3 girl ... out of shape and of no relevance.  Only one word can be used to describe the situation ... APPALLING! Why, I'd formally request that Her Majesty order that...Playmate...to be burned at the stake if that didn't mean her vile ashes would be blown all across the sacred ground of Great Britain!"

Oh, the shark, babe
Has such teeth, dear

O'Dell: "And, since Allison Mack is already in the ring and that's not Bobby Darin singing, that can only mean J-Mac is on her way to the ring. She's CHARGING down that aisle. This is pure hatred on the face of Mac The Knife! Mac into the ring, and she's immediately jawing with Mack, Campbell, and Jewel, having to be blocked from charging the corner by Palicki..."

Kate: "DON'T YOU PRESUME TO SPEAK TO ME YOU LOW BORN...!"

O'Dell: "And, as you've heard, Mac has seen Kate here at the table and is now having to be stopped from coming down here...referee trying to restore order so he can give instructions to the fighters and their corner people. Mac staring down the Front Street trio of Jewel, Neve, and Allison...and now staring down Kate Beckinsale...and Tess, too!"

Tess: "What did I do?"

Cassie: "I think she's still sore over the Hall Of Fame thing..."

O'Dell: "Instructions over. Palicki and McGee help Mac off with the robe and Scrubby gets tangled in it and takes a pratfall in the middle of the ring!"

Tess: "Life With J-Mac. It could be a sitcom..."

Cassie: "If she could act..."

O'Dell: "Disrobe reveals Mac's favored red bikini, and it's dueling reds, because, of course, as Jewel and Neve help her off with the robe, Mack is wearing the blood red number SHE favors. We've got to get some pics. Tess?"

Tess: "I've got to go with Allison for obvious reasons..."

O'Dell: "Cassie?"

Cassie: "I agree with Tess."

Kate: "And I ALSO agree with Tess. Allison is, of course, but a MINOR actress, but she is at least a celebrity, unlike that Z-list abomination she's fighting!"

O'Dell: "Here we go...and Mac out of the corner and BLITZING Allison! J-Mac on FIRE in there, banging away, driving Allison back to the ropes and pounding her! Mack covering up, leaning back, trying to block and dodge as McCarthy goes to town!"

Tess: "This might have been a mistake..."

Cassie: "Uncle Wiz doesn't MAKE mistakes."

O'Dell: "McCarthy going absolutely WILD in there, throwing punches with both hands from all angles and she's landing as much as she's missing. Mack's lasted past the 30 seconds she taunts McCarthy about, but she may not last the round. Referee looking closely as the beating continues."

Tess: "Allison going to have to do something offensively here. There's not enough coming back."

O'Dell: "Mac slowing down a little coming down the stretch. Maybe getting arm weary..."

Kate: "Of COURSE she is! She's out there brawling like a BARBARIAN..."

O'Dell: "Mack jabbing back now in the final seconds. Backing Jenny up a bit. There's the bell, and Allison survives, but a big round for J-Mac who's now jawing with Neve Campbell, telling her she's next!"

Beckinsale: "Don't you talk to ME, you TROLLOP!"

O'Dell: "And Jenny has words for Kate as well. She's apparently ALSO next, though I'm not sure what order Mac plans to fight Kate and Neve in."

Beckinsale: "If she has a BRAIN, even that reptilian primordial walnut-sized brain of HERS, she'll avoid fighting me at ALL."

Tess: "10-9, J-Mac after one."

ROUND TWO:

O'Dell: "Second round begins with J-Mac going to the jab. She's on her toes, sticking and moving."

Tess: "Couldn't go back to that all out barrage like in the first round. Burns too much energy. She'd have been blown up by the fifth."

O'Dell: "Allison adjusting well to this, however, she's in that quarter-crouch she likes, penetrating and working body. Mack picking off a lot of McCarthy's punches on the way in. Showing great movement. Matching footwork. Getting to spots and getting work done."

Cassie: "This is Allison taking a page from Neve's book. The way to beat McCarthy is to work the body. Of course, not many fighters have succeeded at that with the exception of Neve."

O'Dell: "Allison certainly making an investment, working the ribs and midsection. Mac moving and circling for space, picking off Allison with some jabs, but not able to put punches together this round thanks to movement and defense from Mack. Final seconds tick off and there's the bell. Allison's round."

Kate: "And she's now evened the fight at 19."

ROUND THREE:

O'Dell: "Third begins with Jenny on her bicycle! McCarthy now doing some serious legging. No desire to get back to the grinding of the last round. She's circling, pivoting, reversing, making Allison chase. Mack continues working forward, picking off some of those jabs, banging body when she gets in close."

Tess: "But Mac not allowing much of that kind of work. She's all movement, all speed."

O'Dell: "There's a lot of natural athleticism on display right now, no question. Jenny just moving so well for someone who didn't know she was fighting an hour ago. Mack very deliberate. Continuing to work forward. Not really getting touched up as she does so, but not able to get much done."

Kate: "All Allison need do is continue to pursue. That guttersnipe can not continue to run all night with her advanced age and the silicone weighing her down!"

O'Dell: "Might not be able to go all night, but she can do it for three minutes. We're heading down the stretch now and Mac all dance and prance. Allison unable to bring her to battle and there's the bell...close one to McCarthy...and J-Mac has some words for Tess, who's ALSO apparently next..."

Tess: "What'd I DO?"

Cassie: "It's that Hall of Fame thing, Tess..."

Tess: "She doesn't QUALIFY!"

Kate: "She doesn't qualify as a CELEBRITY, either, yet there she is besmirching the ring."

Cassie: "And leading 29-28 after three."

ROUND FOUR:

O'Dell: "Fourth round underway and Allison Mack quickly solving J-Mac's movement and getting things rolling. Mack in that quarter crouch, guard up high, all head and shoulder movement as she works forward. McCarthy wants to stick and move, but Mack catching J-Mac's punches on her gloves, getting past her defenses, getting inside, then working body."

Cassie: "This is vintage Allison Mack. Mack maybe the best defensive fighter Front Street has. Very hard to square up. Can get where she needs to get and get work done when she gets there, and you're seeing that now."

O'Dell: "Mack slowly taking control of this thing. She's crowding Mac, cutting off the ring, banging body at every turn. Jenny wants space, wants to jab and move, wants to extend, but she's not getting her terms."

Tess: "Allison trying to lower that guard, Jenny. Mac isn't biting right now, because she's well aware of what can happen when Allison lands one of those hooks flush."

O'Dell: "McCarthy tying up, shoving off, trying to keep Allison off, but not succeeding. Mack where she wants to be, and doing plenty of what she wants to do, getting into those ribs and that midsection. McCarthy shipping the punishment well, but definitely getting the worst of things to the bell ending the fourth."

Kate: "And Mack has tied it at 38-38."

ROUND FIVE:

O'Dell: "Fifth round underway and we've settled on terms much more to the liking of Mack The Knife than Mac The Knife. McCarthy still looking to stick and move, fight on her toes, but Allison's footwork impeccable as she cuts the ring, brings Mac to battle, and wears out the body."

Cassie: "J-Mac banging back downstairs now, and this might not be a bad strategy. If she can't keep Allison off, she might have to see if she can't get something done on Mack's terms."

O'Dell: "Allison having the better of things, though. This close-in grinding something she's good at."

Beckinsale: "Allison, however, is not a one-trick pony by any means. She can box very well if she wants to, but, as Cassandra said earlier, she clearly believes the way to defeat that...PLAYmate...is to batter her overrated, overexposed body."

O'Dell: "Allison beginning to work her way up more now, landing some solid hooks to the head. J-Mac ripping back with some hard rights, but most of them being blocked or deflected. It's phone booth stuff as we head down the stretch. Mack pinking up McCarthy's ribs..."

Kate: "She MUST be careful to stay below the bustline as she works the body, else we may have a toxic chemical spill..."

O'Dell: "Final seconds tick off and there's the bell and J-Mac in a staredown with Neve Campbell!"

Tess: "Mac needs to concentrate on Allison and not worry about jawing with Neve, Jewel, Kate or I..."

Kate: "Yes, she MUST keep her limited brain power on one thing at a time. Why, with the gray matter she has, I'm surprised she can blink and breathe at the same time..."

Tess: "With Allison winning this round, she now leads 48-47. Anyone's fight with five to go."

ROUND SIX:

O'Dell: "Sixth round begins with more pressure from Allison. Mack working her way past McCarthy's defenses, dipping, moving the head and shoulders, gloves high, crouching slightly. J-Mac able to slow her a bit, but Allison gets in tight and the body work commences."

Tess: "Mac firing back in kind now. She's decided to commit to the body herself. Like Cassie said, she doesn't have a choice at the moment."

O'Dell: "She does not. She's being forced to play by Allison's rules, and she's doing it pretty well. We're in grinding mode as the two women fight heads on shoulders at times, just thumping ribs, belly, lats. Hooks slamming home as leather pounds flesh."

Kate: "Allison working precisely, however. McCarthy just mindlessly swinging leather like the Neanderthal she is."

O'Dell: "As we head down the stretch, we've moved into an even smaller phone booth. The fighters are toe-to-toe banging away, clearly trying to impose will by getting the other fighter's body to quit. Lot of hurt being dished out on both sides and both girls shipping it very well right to the bell. Close round, but I think J-Mac dug this one out...and she's jawing at the Front Street corner again!"

Tess: "And we're even at 57 with four to go!"

ROUND SEVEN:

O'Dell: "Seventh round begins with more forward aggression from Allison. Mack upping the workrate, pounding away. McCarthy responding in kind, but she's getting backed up now as Allison's investment in the body may be paying off."

Cassie: "Seems like that's the case, Jenny. J-Mac slowing down. Legs aren't moving as well as they did and she's not as busy."

O'Dell: "And Allison is even busier. She's working her way upstairs more frequently now, backing Mac up with solid left and right hooks to the head. McCarthy firing back, but not keeping up with the volume Allison is putting out."

Kate: "As I predicted, McCarthy's advanced age is doing her in. Allison's work is breaking down McCarthy's overrated body, which will leave only her brain. And what a horrific thought THAT is!"

O'Dell: "McCarthy game in there, she's trying to grind back, but Mack having it all her way right now, body, up to the head, back to the body, backs Mac up to the ropes and bangs away. McCarthy ties up, forces a break, but Allison right back to work pinking up Mac's midsection and ribs. It's Mack bell to bell in our first shutout round of the night."

Tess: "And Allison back to a narrow 67-66 lead. But that lead looks a lot bigger after that round."

ROUND EIGHT:

O'Dell: "Eighth round underway and Mack right back to work. McCarthy trying to keep her off again with the jab, trying to circle and create space, but Allison cutting her off, closing, and working the body."

Tess: "This is getting very grim for Mac. Not sure what she has left at this point."

O'Dell: "Allison working her way upstairs again and DOWN GOES J-MAC! Left hook from Mack!"

Kate: "Yes! Yes! Smite her, Allison! Smite her!"

O'Dell: "Count at three. Four. Five. Six. McCarthy to her feet at seven. Referee gives her the mandatory. And he'll allow it to continue. Here comes Allison! Mack going to work with both hands, backing McCarthy into the ropes and lighting her up with a barrage of hooks. McCarthy wobbled, holding on, covering up."

Cassie: "Referee about to stop this thing..."

O'Dell: "J-Mac countering now, doing just enough to keep the ref at bay. Allison going back to the body and hammering away at it, again working from downstairs to up, NAILING McCarthy with another left hook. Final seconds ticking off and there's the bell. Mac survives, but a big round for Allison!"

Tess: "77-74 with two to go."

ROUND NINE:

O'Dell: "Ninth begins with J-Mac on the offensive! McCarthy off her stool and after Allison, all guns blazing! Mack giving ground now, backing up, not engaging."

Cassie: "Might be a last throw from McCarthy. Her corner has to know what the cards show and they show Mac needs something big."

O'Dell: "And she's GOING for it! J-Mac winging away at Allison AND DOWN SHE GOES! McCarthy dropped with a quick left hook!"

Kate: "Lovely! Just a lovely punch from Allison!"

O'Dell: "Mac dropped to her back. Count at three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. And Jenny to her feet at eight. Referee looking closely during the mandatory, but Mac says she's good to go and he waives Allison forward. Mack now boring in, working body with those hooks. McCarthy covering up, backing up, tying up, trying to slow Allison down and DOWN GOES MCCARTHY! Mack with a right hook as she pops out of the crouch..."

Tess: "Same punch she got the KO with in 'The Gauntlet'..."

O'Dell: "Mack to a neutral corner. Count at three. Four. Five. Six. McCarthy on her back, head lolling side to side. Eight. Nine. TEN! It's over! McCarthy still on her back and the winner by KO9 is Allison 'Mack The Knife' Mack!"

Kate: "Yes! McCarthy well and truly smitten! Great work by Allison Mack!"

AFTER:

O'Dell: "Security has quickly poured into the ring here to keep the corners apart. Probably a good idea considering the bad blood between McCarthy and Front Street. Fighters in the center as the decision is announced and Tess, we may have to forgo the post-fight interview, because I fear no one's getting in that ring..."

Kate: "I shall handle this!"

O'Dell: "Kate grabbing the hand held mic and heading for the ring..."

Kate: "Make way! Make way! Lay a finger on me you hoodlums and HER MAJESTY will hear of it! Out of my way!"

O'Dell: "Security letting Kate into the ring as the result is announced and KATE TOSSES THE MIC TO THE CANVAS AND PUTS THE HEADLOCK ON MCCARTHY! BECKINSALE GIVING J-MAC THE WALK OF SHAME!"

Tess: "This isn't right! Kate didn't beat her!"

Cassie: "And, before you ask, Tess, Kate is ad-libbing up there. This is off-script...not part of Uncle Wiz's plan..."

O'Dell: "Palicki trying to get into the ring to put a stop to this but security keeping her back. Mack standing bemused in the middle of the ring, the Front Street corner, behind the security screen with the same looks on their faces. Beckinsale MERCILESS, taking Mac around the ring a second time...J-Mac struggling feebly and they're going around AGAIN..."

Cassie: "I'll be back!"

Tess: "Now what?"

O'Dell: "Scerbo now into the ring and grabs the mic. She's going to...oh, no...she's going to interview..."

Cassie: "Our winner tonight is 'Mack the Knife', and, Mac, what a great effort tonight..."

McCarthy: "There was no doubt about it, Sawbones...Scabbones...Scabalo...ScarJo!The hypotenuse of her equilateral trigonometric ratios is far inferior to the power of my nephrons! Her loop of Henle is weak, and my nephrons are POWERFUL! Feel the power of my nephrons!"

Cassie: "And, it looks like Mac is going for another little walk. Back to you, Jenny O'Dell!"

O'Dell: "Beckinsale taking Mac around the ring a fourth time and THAT'S ENOUGH! Palicki through security and Beckinsale quickly behind the security screen on the other side of the ring, dropping a dazed Mac to the canvas! Adrianne pursues for a second, then turns back to J-Mac to help her back to the corner. Kate standing smugly in a neutral corner. Palicki staring daggers at her...and security now begins to clear the ring. I think that's enough for one night, fans. So, until the next time someone signs your committal papers, good night from The Asylum!" 

 

 

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