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30 January 2015 Jessica Simpson vs Lindsay Lohan

Page history last edited by Vassago 9 years, 2 months ago

OFFICIAL SSB PPV

(Jugs Of Mass Destruction Rules)

Posted by Lookout! Boxing on January 30, 2015, 8:37 pm

Jessica Simpson (35, 5'4”, 34D) v Lindsay Lohan (29, 5'5”, 34D) by Lookout/OddMan/Ginny
WARNINGS & DISCLAIMERS!
1. The American Dairy Council has NOT approved and does NOT endorse JMD fights!
2. PETA strongly disapproves of the unethical treatment of assets!
3. Tess Valmore is a scold!

Since 12-31-11, Lohan is 12-5 in FCBA fights and Simpson is 6-6 over the same time.
Simpson can make a good claim to be the 'poster girl' for JMD, our research staff tells us this is her twenty-third (23) JMD fight - yet the ONLY title she's held was back in 2009 when she beat the woman she'll face tonight, Lindsay Lohan, to win the belt. Jessica has lost five other times when challenging for the JMD title.
Like Simpson, Lindsay Lohan has held the JMD title once, beating Scarlett Johansson before promptly losing it to Simpson in 2009! After losing the JMD jewel encrusted bra to Jessica, Lohan never fought JMD again until 2012 when she “put the girls at risk” - beating heavyweight Kendra Wilkinson, then again in 2014 when she stopped Ricci. In all, Lohan's only had six JMD contests and whether that will be an advantage, or disadvantage, we won't know until later tonight.
“Ginny's made it crystal clear,” Lohan says. “The stable has to start making expenses, if not a profit and right now in the FCBA, there's money to be made in bosoms. I'm as willing as the next girl to put myself out there, but with Charlize being 'the next girl' it kinda falls on me to step up.” After a brief pause for non-existent laughter, Lindsay quickly adds, “Hey, I was just kidding. I love Char.
“Seriously, Cat Bell's been an inspiration to me and she's coached me up on several techniques she's used in her long career. I know I've got a tough road ahead of me with Simpson. Like me, she's all natural, so at least we won't have to pee in a cup afterward.” (Pause) “OK, now you're just annoying me. You do realize I have some experience with drug testing, right? You know that was a joke. Jeez!”
Simpson her usual chipper, bubbly self; rocking newly re-designed “mommy body” in a pink “Dukes of Hazzard” cleavage enhancing bikini with matching pink gloves and shoes. Loose, blond hair messy and shoulder length. Lohan in dark bikini (see photo below), dark gloves, dark shoes; hi-lited hair pulled into a battle braid. A smirking grin completes the confident picture.

Referee calls the girls together to go over the all-important “JMD rules as approved by the California Celebrity Boxing Commission.” Once the boilerplate is dispensed with, the girls smack gloves, flip hair, do a spin-turn and prance back to their corners where they doubtless kiss good-bye to any chance of an Oscar nomination again this year!
* * *
During R1: Simpson with the more JMD experience on her resume, confidently forward behind a high guard, left foot mini-stepping, weight back. A girl's gotta be careful not to let her JMD's get too far in front of her gloves. Lohan, perhaps because she doesn't have many JMD bouts on what is an otherwise glittering entertainment resume that includes Parent Trap; Freaky Friday; Mean Girls; Herbie, Fully Loaded; I Know Who Killed Me; Machete; The Canyons...and coming soon to a 'late nite cable channel' or direct-to-video outlet near you...Six Gun Dead; Soul Carriers; & Life Travelers. While Simpson's uber-cautious, Lohan is all about getting' after it and she charges forward, ignoring the threat to her own taa-taa's to swing wildly, throwing punches at Simpson's head with both hands and defense be dammed! Jessica recoiling under duress, leaning back, hands up protecting her face. That's just fine with Li-Lo who immediately shifts her aim point to plunder puppies! Simpson lets out a yelp as her milky white juggs are send sloshing left-right-left under Lohan's lash. Jessica quicky regains her composure, however, and begins peppering Linds' face with a surprisingly stiff jab. A couple of pops in the puss convince Lohan defense is the better part of valor and she backs off, pausing briefly to adjust her teeny-tiny top which had become unsettled as she threw punches. Simpson also “took a moment to put the girls in their place” before advancing again, this time with “payback” on her mind. The remainder of the opening round was spent at, or around, center ring with both pocket size punchers throwing punches at one anothers “prow” with both scoring. The crowd enjoyed the show, but neither came away with much of an advantage. Still, judges saw fit to give Jessica the edge for her aggression and she has a 10-9 lead after one.

R2: Simpson standing in her corner before the bell, grabs her bazoom with her gloves and shakes it at Lohan, mouthing, “Come and get some.” Lohan, in a shocking display, performs a move rarely seen in a boxing ring - giving Simpson “the finger” while wearing boxing gloves...at least that's how it was reported by TMZ who backed it up with cellphone video. Simpson again the aggressor, walking right up to Li-Lo, sticking out her chest and daring the busty redhead to hit it. Lohan shrugs, the slams both gloves straight out into Jessica's chest, sending her reeling backward with her mouth open in a cute little “o” which, we're told, is French for moue. Grinning, Lohan stomps forward, winds up and, POP receives a cuffing backhand across the mouth for her trouble! Both women's faces were flushed with anger and they forgot all they'd been taught about the “womanly art of self defense.” Too bad they had those big, old, clumsy, boxing gloves because if they hadn't, they could've pulled hair, scratched and clawed for the next two and a half minutes. The fight degenerated into what could only be described as a catfight, although the gloves prevented most “cat” moves so they had to content themselves with open handed slaps in between the bosom-busting punches each used on the other, and frequently landed. At the end of the round, both look exhausted and arm-weary and as they trudge to their corners, each is met by an irate trainer threatening all manner of “extra training if you don't pull your head out” etc., etc. Everyone at ringside looking around nervously. It finally dawns on the promoter they're looking for Tractorpull's “blond at ringside” - probably praying she'd taken a pass on this travesty so they won't read another angry “opinion piece” about how JMD is “dragging the fine art of pugilism down into mud and oil 'rasslin' territory.” Yet, somehow, no one at ringside was seen to be storming out and demanding his/her money back!

R3: Properly chastened by their seconds, both women came out, bosom's heaving excitedly, gloved fists raised in the proper manner, and briefly touched gloves before they commenced trying to render one another insensate. Simpson found the jab she'd put away earlier and by the end of the round, it had found Lohan's nose often enough to draw blood. Lohan, fighting with her hands loose at her sides, would try to slip the jab by ducking or dipping to one side or the other, then come up from below with the left or right, depending on which was she was tilted. Other times, she'd lean back, Ali-style, to let the blonde's fist sweep by just short of her chin. But when Jessica was able to close the distance she scored to Lohan's head - and her body - especially the parts nearest to her, her bulging JMD's! Naturally, being the shorter girl, Simpson had to run the gauntlet of Lohan's punches to get to her body, and Li-Lo made her pay to get there. Technically, Lohan appeared more skillful, but she also seemed to be wary of protecting her chin as much as her assets and would often slide away from Simpson to circle, rather than engage. As a result, while this round was the most technically proficient and skillful so far, it was also far less entertaining than the first two. But, as in the first two rounds, the judges saw fit to award Ms. Simpson the 10-9 score - her third straight round.

R4: The Academy's head trainer Natasha Ragosina paying Lohan's corner a brief visit, holding a brief, whispered, conference with Lohan's trainer, Cat Bell, while Janet Jones rubbed her down and tried to stop her bloody nose. When Bell returned, she knelt in front of Lohan, grabbed Li-Lo's JMD's and gave them a squeeze, growling something about, “feeling the pain” and warning her, “do something about it right now!” Whatever she said must have awakened Lohan because for the first time in the fight, she was the aggressor at the bell, bull rushing Simpson and driving her back into her corner with a flurry of punches. Jessica crouching low with her back on the turnbuckles, working up under Lohan's punch-pushing elbows, slamming uppercuts in her soft 'puppies' while Lohan was head-hunting. Simpson's knees gave a shimmy and she sat down on the middle strand after Li-Lo's right caught her flush on the side of the head in front of her left ear. Arms wrapped around Lohan's waist, Jessica hung on for dear life as Lindsay pounded both flanks until the referee pushed in between them, using a hand on each woman's chest to part them. Simpson gave a yelp of protest and slapped his hand from her breast, but Lohan just grinned and blew him a kiss! Simpson trying to fight off the ropes, is driven back again by the suddenly relentlessly, hard punching, Lohan. (Whatever Ragosina's message to Bell, Cat's delivery of it to Li-Lo must have been Emmy worthy!) Simpson spending the last minute of the round abused by Lohan with her back on the ropes. The final fifteen seconds saw Lohan “go jugg mugging” criss-cross puppy punching with both hands as tears streamed down Jessica Simpson's pink cheeks. Bell: referee has to pull Li-Lo off of Simpson, then take the blonde's elbow to steer her to her stool. A big 10-8 round without a KD puts Lohan right back in the hunt!

R5: “If it ain't broke, don't fix it.” Simpson on her stool at the bell for the first time in the fight, nearly gets caught but manages to duck under Lohan's head-high right and lope along the ropes to escape. Lohan no longer grinning, the girl is looking serious as a heart attack now as she stalks Simpson like a lioness with a wounded Springbok; slowly, deliberately and with a steely determined expression that must surely strike fear into the stoutest heart. Simpson pawing the jab in retreat, no longer able to put anything into it, just using it as a delaying tactic or a ranging tool for her right hand which she carries 'cocked and locked' at her chin level. Lohan keeps coming forward, no longer respecting Simpson's right hand - even when Jessica throws it, Li-Lo's left deflects or blocks it, then she unloads with her own right, twice rocking Jessica; the second time spilling her into the ropes where she's forced to hang on. With Simpson stacked up against the ropes, Lohan tees off, working her up and down the body and, while paying the requisite attention to those big, lovely, breasts, her hardest connects are to Simpson's head which is rocked and buffeted from side to side. Time and again, Lohan will land two or three punch combinations, then have Jessica wrap her up in a clinch and hold until the referee releases her. As in the previous round, the final 30-40 seconds are all Lohan...her flashing fists just softening up that taut flesh between the top of Simpson's pink bikini bottom and the top of her pink bikini top. By the time the bell rings, it's hard to tell where the pink bikini stops and the bright pink skin begins.

R6: Between rounds, Simpson's corner icing down her bright red decolletage thanks to the attention Lohan gave it that last round. But Simps' been in this position many times before and knows its the price she has to pay for the life she's chosen. Lohan's corner: Bell almost giddy. “You've come all the way back and she's on the ropes, now put the pedal down and crush her spirit,” she pants excitedly.
“Screw her...spirit,” Linds' gasps between gulping inhales. “I'm gonna...crush her... boobs. That blond'll... never step in... another JMD ring... when I'm done... with her rack.”
But when the bell rings, neither gladiatrix seems all that willing. Lohan carefully picking her spots, looking to land one, big, punch to end the fight, or at least Simpson's resistance. Jessica either can't, or won't, risk more punishment and stays well back out of harm's way; flicking her once potent jab listlessly; like waving a red cape in front of a bull who refuses to lower his head and charge. So at long range, both women dance around in an ever-widening circle until after a minute of nothing happening, the referee warns them if they don't start fighting, he's “...gonna stop da fight 'n' declare no contest” - something neither proud woman can accept. It's Lohan who takes the initiative, moving forward to jab-jab-jab Simpson's bulging bra, sending ripples through the big, soft, orbs. When that doesn't get a reaction, Li-Lo grins and does it again. Jab-Jab...WHAP! Jessica's right hand smacks Lohan upside the jaw and her knees buckle momentarily, but she quickly rights herself and steps back...just in time to avoid being hit with a wild left! Simpson rolling forward now behind windmilling punching - most missing as Lohan bobs, weaves, ducks and dodges in hurried withdrawal. But it's a show again and with those puppies jumpin' and shakin' nobody's thinking “punch stats.” With her back to the ropes, Lohan is forced to make a stand and she does, stopping Jessica in her tracks with a left hook, then tying her up. They wrestle in a high clinch, belly-to-bell, bra-to-bra, twisting and turning...first Simpson's back is on the ropes, then they spin and it's Lohan again. Lindsay fights her way off the ropes, digging into the lush softness of Simpson's hulking hooters; the blond wincing as she's beaten backward across the ring. When her butt hits the ropes, however, she bends into an uppercut that stuns Lohan and the tables turn once more. Jessica heaps hurtin' on Lohan's straining bikini top as she pounds her stutter-stepping back across the ring. Fans on their feet screaming as first one tiny top, then the other, threaten to give up and flutter away in disgust and despair at the monumental task assigned them. Final seconds see both women toe-to-toe trading punches to the chest, eschewing the “easy” and “open” head shots for the more satisfying JMD method of beating another woman's womanly assets until she gasps “no mas” and surrenders. Bell: both warriors chests shiny with sweat and bright pink from abuse but neither has had enough and the referee jumps in to slap their hands down and wedge them apart. Even then, the angry blond leaps up and throws a final punch over the referee's shoulder, hitting Lohan harmlessly on top of the head. Judges at ringside struggle with scoring, finally give the slightest of an edge to Simpson...let's call it 10-9. Jessica stopping Lohan's brief run of success at two rounds, but on the all-important points front it couldn't be closer! Depending on your preferred scoring method, it's 4 rounds to 2 for Simpson, but 47 points each.

R7: Two arm-weary fighters come out for the seventh and it's still anybody's fight. Both pacing themselves after their frenetic finish the prior round, but that doesn't mean they're taking it easy on one another. Less running, more trading at close quarters. The taller Lohan fighting in a more upright stance, popping her jab with more discipline this round; right cocked at her cheek ready to take advantage of any opening - which she does several times, scoring solid connects. Simpson, in an exaggerated crouch, taking many of Lohan's jabs high on her head as she slips in to work Li-Lo's jiggly body, targeting especially her suspect mid-section. Lohan's rep as a 'party girl' has always led people to believe her training and fitness were sub-par so her body became a natural target. But lately she's improved in all respects and while her abs aren't going to grace the cover of fitness magazines anytime soon, they hold up well under Jessica's assault this round. Naturally, in the closing minute, each tries to throw in a flourish or two to impress the judges; Simpson shoe-shining Lohan's overhanging hooters coming up from below to give them a workout before slipping away. Lohan taking the overhead route to rack, driving her punches down from shoulder height into the top of Simpson's fleshy ledge. Only thing of importance to the disappointed fan boys at ringside was that both tops held up admirably. The judges were equally satisfied, giving Lohan the nod by the narrowest of 10-9 scores. It's still too close to call at this point.

R8: Simpson pawing the canvas eager to get back into Lohan's jubblies; Li-Lo standing before the bell, chest heaving, belly pumping rapidly in-out as she tries to get her breath. That last round was the roughest and most brutal of the fight and it seems to have taken a lot out of both women. Jessica bouncing across the ring at the bell, leading with an overhand right that rocks Lohan. Linds' lands a glancing left and misses with a right. Simpson, head down, straight punching into Lohan's goodie bags with both hands, pancaking the soft, natural, flesh. SHE'S HURT! Uppercut Lohan hurt Jess and the blonde's in retreat with Lohan chasing! Left hook, right cross and SIMPSON'S DOWN. Jess blown onto her back by a Lohan 1-2 in the first minute of the round. Ref has to leave Jessica to escort Lohan to a neutral corner as Li-Lo would have preferred to hover and enjoy the sight up close. Count picks up at five as Simpson uses the ropes to make it up to beat the count. Ref checks gloves, waves Lohan in. Jessica Simpson immediately clinches, bogging down Lindsay's attack. Simpson scrubbing her forehead under Lohan's chin, chugging uppies to the juggs inside as Li-Lo struggles to free her arms to get punching room. Referee parts them and Jessica lands a sharp elbow to Lohan's left cup. Ouch! Red faced Lohan angrily tries to kick Simpson - luckily it misses and Li-Lo escapes a possible penalty with just a finger wagging warning. Lohan chases Simpson to the ropes, shoves her back by the shoulders and attacks her torso with malicious intent to do damage to Jess's money makers. Simpson doubled forward in breast pain as Lohan's non-stop 'jugg mugging' is paying off. BIG UPPERCUT and Simpson's hanging on for dear life. Lohan slaps down Jessica's gloves with her left hand, then drills Jessica's left cup, smashing it flat. Simpson squeals in pain but there's no let-up. Lohan again uses her left hand to bat open Simpson's defense, then brings the right hand up the middle, crushing Jessica's right cup like squashing a paper cup! Simpson, tears streaming, tries to grab Lindsay by the head and throw her, but Lohan's having none of it. She puts Simpson in a headlock and pumps punches up into her low-hanging “fruits.” Nothing coming back from the weeping blonde and the referee's seen enough! He steps in, wraps Lohan up in a reverse bearhug, lifts her off her feet and carries her to her corner. Shaking his finger at her, he tells her, “Stay put!” then he waves his arms overhead and stops the fight. Winner by TKO8, Lindsay Lohan!
* * * *
After: At ringside, Ginny is glaring at her purse and muttering under her breath. Her cellphone is ringing and ringing and ringing. Finally, she reaches in...and shuts it off. “I can't stand it when he calls to gloat, that pointy hatted b@st@rd.” she mutters to the woman sitting next to her as Li-Lo rushes over to the body of the curvaceous blond challenger and struts around her in the center of the ring.
The woman heading the militant wing of the “Pectoralis Society of Southern California” (Major Pecs, a former stripper) presents a certificate to Lohan recognizing her as winner of the first JMD bout of 2015 involving “all natural participants” and naming her “the rightful #1 contender for Lowndes title.”
This is Lohan's first win over her nemesis Simpson, and there's no doubt she intends to enjoy it to the fullest! Lohan slips it off and sheds her gloves, then makes a bee line for Simpson's corner where Nicole Kidman, knowing of the bad blood between the two fighters, gets out of the way of her former pupil. Julie Benz hesitates to abandon her girl, but when she sees the look in Lohan's eyes, realizes this isn't the time, or the place, for a battle and grudgingly steps aside, leaving the still weeping Simpson at Lohan's mercy.
Simpson slides off her stool and starts to crawl under the bottom rope to escape, but Lohan grabs her ankle and drags her back out into the ring. She kicks her over onto her back, the steps over her and straddles her waist, glaring menacingly down at her. Jessica raises her hands in a pleading gesture, only to have them slapped down by Lohan.
Fans on one side of the ring begin to chant, “LI-LO! LI-LO! LI-LO!”
ans on the opposite side begin a counter chant, “JMD! JMD! JMD!”
Soon, both groups are alternating their chants. LI-LO!” “JMD!” LI-LO!” “JMD!” “LI-LO!” “JMD!”

Lindsay grins down at the trembling blonde and smiles. “They're calling my name. Guess I better give 'em what they want.” She reaches up and pulls down her top a bit to give the crowd a generous look at her pale, freckled breasts spilling forth accompanied by a huge roar of approval from the audience.

Lindsay walks around and stands at Jessica's head, kneels and pulls her limp, unresisting arms back above her head. She plants a knee on each bicep, pinning her arms above her, then leans forward and drops her big, fleshy, breasts on Simpson's teary face. Jessica struggles, her feet lifting up, hips bucking off the mat. It's not a very effective breast smother, with most of Jessica's body unrestrained. But then Lohan rears up and SPLAT! hammers her fist deep into the pit of Simpson's belly, driving all the wind from her. Lindsay quickly squeezes her elbows together, sealing her flesh over Jessica's nose and mouth.
Unable to get any air into her oxygen deprived lungs, Simpson goes out in a matter of seconds. Lohan stands up, turns her back to Simpson and scuffs her feet, figuratively kicking dirt onto Jessica's grave. Then she raises her arms and prances around the ring, stopping at each side to give her fans a good, long, look at her JMD bosom.

Retrieving her top, Lindsay fastens it around her bosom and makes another slow tour of the ring. When she returns, Simpson is starting to come around. Lohan looks at her for a long moment, contemplating what additional humiliation she can inflict, then shrugs and goes to join the rest of the Academy girls for a combination Victory and Going Away Party, for it's a bitter sweet night for the Academy, saying good-bye to two old, veteran, warriors while at the same time celebrating Lohan's return to the ranks of the JMD greats!